Just what we're waiting for. The end of the season and thankfully, the end of this blog.
So we were hangin last night, playing a little card and one guy, we'll call him Gary, had an observation. At the end of last week Bret tells Taya why he chose her. Reason one, she's hot. Reason two, she's hot enough to be a playmate. Reason three, did he mention that she's hot? After some deliberation today, I've come to realize that Gary was dead-on. And not that there is anything wrong with Bret's lines, but I just figured out that there's nothing to Taya except her hotness. She's soo focused on how she looks and what others think of her. I don't mean soo focused, but totally focused. There's nothing to her. She's as hollow as a chocolate Easter Bunny (sorry, wrote the first part before I could come up with something hollow. Daisy's head maybe??)
Do you think they'll bring Heather and Laci back for the reunion?? And if yes, why???
As we start the show, we have a commercial for the world premier of Greenday's new video on VH1. First, isn't VH1 for older people like us? Two, aren't video premiers one of the lamest thoughts you've heard in a while. Who in their right mind would go out of their way to watch the premier of a video?? They are midgets aren't they???
So they are introducing the girls. Hell, don't remember half of them. One of them looks like the chick from 'band camp' in American Pie.
They start us off with the belly dancer. What a wierd chick. Then she drops the bomb about her vow of celebacy. They they decide to interview her. She's contributed absolutely nothing to the show and they bring her up. Now, she's MARRIED. So, let's get this straight. She turned down Bret then blew the vow when she left and got married on Christmas night by a naked cowboy in Times Square. Damn, to top it all off, she gives him a third-eye dot to stick on his bandana. Someone, please, pull her off of the stage. That was painful.
So how do you get into the audience for this show? Do you get paid? Free drinks?? Something. Anything.
Two of the girls are already married and one is even pregnant. And she's someone I don't even recognize.
We get Marcia next. The puking kisser. Then back to the screaming on the original bus loading with the chick too drunk to stand at the first elimination. Oh, all three drunks. To Marcia's credit, no regets. So what does this contribute? "DJ Lady Tribe" (PA-Leeeeeze) says that "alcohol rehab is cool". Bottom feeders of the world unite!!!!
Laugh track??? Lame. Audience??? Fake.
Does anyone think that if Ashley's hair was allowed to be naturally dark that she'd fall in line with Elvira? Her hair is hideous. Would you give $20 for a lap dance from that??
They bring down the Blondeterage. Melissa. Oh yeah, the chick that blew the boob on the ice. Ah, and Ashley is drunk again.
Farrah is doing a great impression of Daisy with her "like" use. And she carries the lip gloss in between the boobs. What's really funny is that the last time we saw Farrah, she came as close as she could to being a real person when she was eliminated and then she mixes with Ashley and it all goes ugly again. Charming, to the last.
Brittaney. Lame. Lame. Lame. She really needs to go back to porn. So they go down the race card with girl who used to be a guy. Then, the girl who used to be a guy goes off on one of the others who claimed she was actually "Nathaniel" instead of "Natalie" who responds with the claim that s/he makes six-figured doing porn. Is that hermaphroditic porn? Is she a chick with a dick??? Either way, s/he kicks some ass. One last cat fight for the road. Paging Big John.
Now we're down to Mindy. Yep, we're right. She's still the class of the show. And she looks as hot as she did on that final night. Holy hell, are they gonna do it in the welcome kiss? Bret's adjusting. The wife did notice that he comes out with some awfully tight pants in this show.
Did the host just say that Daisy is one of his best friends??? Ricky Rackman, who produces the show and a lame Rock of Racing show on radio, has Daisy as one of his best friends?? Maybe he should re-evaluate his friend selection criteria? Maybe he should embrace "alone time"; it is really not that bad.
That said, we love it when Ricky lays it on the line and says that Bret made the wrong choice.
Mindy is pouring her heart out. Big John is near to tears. Awww. Bret says that he thinks they'll be close in the future. For what??? Why would she want to hang with him? Who puts themselves through that torture? A daily kick in the gonads is what everyone wants.
To Taya. In the recap we see the wedding chapel scene where she gives him a copy of a her first photo shoot and the lingerie she was wearing. Do Penthouse Pets carry around copies of their spread like we do a business card?
Oh, BTW, at the Peace Street Market yesterday we saw the Penthouse issue with her on the cover. Great restraint from buying it. What's a man to do when his wife says, "What? We're not getting the Penthouse?" You have to seize these moments, I'm sure that one may never come again.
The stripper blondteragecrowd turns their back on Taya. Funny.
Mindy is calling Taya out. Getting a little catty. How much facial surgery has Taya had?
We get down to the ring. This is stupid. So stupid. Would anyone in their right mind propose in front of that crowd to someone they, frankly, hardly know and haven't seen or spent any time with in MONTHS? What kind of memory would that plant. Do you want to look back ten years from now and wax poetic about the proposal someone else scripted in front of these skanks and these losers in the crowd? (the crowd sucks. seriously.)
Someone should get sharp objects away from Mindy. She's in a whole new brand of funk. Poor girl.
Taya just painted herself as a victim. Poor Taya. Everyone say it, "Poor Taya." She won the event and is playing the sympathy card. Taya is hedging her bets against it all falling apart. And Bret backs her up. Weak.
All in all, we regret losing that hour of our life. We'll never get that back. Booo.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Season Finale
This is it. The end of the line. No, really, this is the end. THE END. Bret said so. Why do you doubt me? Why would I lie. I mean, I'm just reporting the facts and laid out from our man and we all know that he's as honest and straight-up as the day is long. Well, not like these last few days since this was a three-day weekend that went WAY too fast, but a long day. You know, like a Tuesday. Those are long damned days. But I digress. Where was I? Oh yeah, Bret said, under no uncertain terms, that this is the end for him. And who are we for doubting him in any way.
On with the show. Which hottie will Bret choose? The one with the international pedigree (don't forget, Penthouse is the International Magazine for Men) who may or may not be a dancer or the Southern Belle that we know NOTHING about? Oh, the quandry.
FINALE
Gasp!!! Did the preview show a ring? Maybe he means what he says. Eek.
We do a season in review. And my bride is snoring she is so bored. Damn, Mindy is hot. Not a debatable issue.
Man is Taya is a sensitive wench. Not a debatable issue. Allie chimes in with "she's an emotional shit bag." Not too sure what that means, but it can't be good. (FYI, the spell-check on this thing just told me that shit bag is two words, not one. Allie insists it is one word, though. In case you ever need to know)
IN THE HOTEL
Taya is a Barbie doll. They are both downplaying their looks.
Hold the phone. We have the first bit if news on Mindy. In the season finale we learn that she's from Cincinnati. You're telling me that she's not from Grennbow, AL??
He's grilling them over breakfast. He notices that Taya is high maintenance. 'bout damned time. Man, that's a lot of bacon on the table. Is that metaphor for someone getting porked???
FLYIN to the DR
Oh, check how he gets into the limo. Nice adjustment of the package as he slides into the middle.
He's taking Mindy out for the evening. And he bought her an outfit. That's a risk.
Good plan. Mindy takes some notes to make sure that she covers all the areas she needs. Good idea. This is the failure of Jamie. I'm still convinced that Jamie had all the right things to say, she just didn't say them well and the garbled message burned her. Mindy has no idea of that, but her plan of using a crib sheet may take her a long way.
Oh, she is blowing it by not taking the notes out of the bag. WTF????? You idiot. Bringing out the notes shows forthought and lets him know that you take this seriously. Dumbass. KEEP THE NOTES BACK IN YOUR PURSE. I'm really hoping that the notes taking was just to help her organize her thoughts so she could remember everything. Hey, we all do that at times.
Bret has a plan to open her up. Yep, get her liquored up. (If that doesn't work, the roofies are comin' out.) While not a novel approach, it has proven very effective over the centuries. Oh, and a curveball. Tango classes. And it is a good idea. Props to Bret for a novel idea.
Walk on the beach. And she brings out the notes. Thankfully, she does it. And it pays off as they head to the love-den.
TAYA in the TUB
She just said that she's bothered by the fact that Mindy isn't back yet. So she's going to have a "romantic alone time" in the tub. By herself. Does she know that water and "electric devices" are not a good mix?
We have Mindy's 'walk of shame'. Mindy is feeding into the headgames for Taya. Wow, Mindy pulls a Heather and just flaunts it in her face. It must be the smell of Bret that makes girls do that. Taya has lost respect for her (but not Precious Bret, I'm sure). What in the world is she thinking? Has she never seen this show before? Is she unaware of the three-some with Laci, Heather, and Brandi B in season one? Stupid, stupid girl.
TAYA'S DATE
They are going on a zip line. Who doesn't want to be the guy strapping Taya in? A few well-placed hands while "strapping her in". Which is much better than letting her "strap one on" in case you need to know.
Dinner. Will he ask the hard questions? Yep, he does. He is a little troubled by her sincerity. Oh, and the producers are eating this up. I feel like I'm watching Talk Soup by the graphics.
Bret plays the "take it back to my room." And the woman who judged Mindy pretty hard last night didn't blink when they got up from the table. He was pretty smooth tho, eh? But wait, there's more.
I just realized that she isn't wearing her Penthouse necklace. What a shock. "He knows how to crawl into your heart and stick in there", and I'm thinking he knows how to do some more 'stickin' if you know what I mean - and I'm sure that you do. So Taya doesn't put out. Really. Who would have called that?? We are shocked.
The next day
Mindy is in a good mood. Taya needs to "get her mind in a good place." Christ, I don't care how hot she is, and Taya is hot, but that's the kinda phrase that just makes one go soft. Crackers in bed? Don't give a damn. But "mind in a good place" is not the phrase that pays for this compadre.
Ouch!!! Did they have to show Mindy's lip-waxing? Oh damn, just get a razor for Pete's sake. Guess they aren't going to show the Brazillian wax job. That must have been what that scream was for. Have to buy the DVD for that.
Engagement rings. Man, this could be construed (mis or not) as one Hell of a head game. They both are floored as they should be. This message says "the one of you that doesn't get this, came this close." I'd think this would send Taya into a tizzie.
Elimination:
Are Mindy's breasts real? Discuss.
Bret makes a joke regarding his commitment phobia. Damn, that's funny. We should have a beer with him one of these days.
Could Bret be any farther apart from them? It has to be fifty feet. Is he yelling? With the ocean in the background, who could hear anything. I think he could let one rip and no one would hear it. Not that anyone is close enough to pull his finger.
The conversations on the goods and bads of each. He seems to have Mindy nailed. I like that he recognizes that others probably thought they could walk over her. More astute than we gave him credit.
He tears Taya down pretty hard before the commercial. Are they messin with us??
And he calls Mindy down. The spacing is working out to drown out their conversation. And he turns Mindy down. Poor choice. Wow, watch her face get hard, fast. Like her interview lines - just another asshole in rockstar clothing. I guess she did miss seasons one and two. Don't get me wrong, Bret's cool in my book, but any girl wanting to date him should have no illusions.
He spent three-hours walking up and down the beach pondering what to do. What slays me is that he pulls this crap where he has to set 'the scene' to show himself as a deep thinker by "walking three hours on the beach" or some other shit.
The wife is not pleased. Pretty douche ending to all in all a douche season, compared with the other two. The producers made him work the engagement ring in but he'll hang on to that for safe keeping!!! HA! At least we got one last laugh from the Rock of Love Bus!!!
On with the show. Which hottie will Bret choose? The one with the international pedigree (don't forget, Penthouse is the International Magazine for Men) who may or may not be a dancer or the Southern Belle that we know NOTHING about? Oh, the quandry.
FINALE
Gasp!!! Did the preview show a ring? Maybe he means what he says. Eek.
We do a season in review. And my bride is snoring she is so bored. Damn, Mindy is hot. Not a debatable issue.
Man is Taya is a sensitive wench. Not a debatable issue. Allie chimes in with "she's an emotional shit bag." Not too sure what that means, but it can't be good. (FYI, the spell-check on this thing just told me that shit bag is two words, not one. Allie insists it is one word, though. In case you ever need to know)
IN THE HOTEL
Taya is a Barbie doll. They are both downplaying their looks.
Hold the phone. We have the first bit if news on Mindy. In the season finale we learn that she's from Cincinnati. You're telling me that she's not from Grennbow, AL??
He's grilling them over breakfast. He notices that Taya is high maintenance. 'bout damned time. Man, that's a lot of bacon on the table. Is that metaphor for someone getting porked???
FLYIN to the DR
Oh, check how he gets into the limo. Nice adjustment of the package as he slides into the middle.
He's taking Mindy out for the evening. And he bought her an outfit. That's a risk.
Good plan. Mindy takes some notes to make sure that she covers all the areas she needs. Good idea. This is the failure of Jamie. I'm still convinced that Jamie had all the right things to say, she just didn't say them well and the garbled message burned her. Mindy has no idea of that, but her plan of using a crib sheet may take her a long way.
Oh, she is blowing it by not taking the notes out of the bag. WTF????? You idiot. Bringing out the notes shows forthought and lets him know that you take this seriously. Dumbass. KEEP THE NOTES BACK IN YOUR PURSE. I'm really hoping that the notes taking was just to help her organize her thoughts so she could remember everything. Hey, we all do that at times.
Bret has a plan to open her up. Yep, get her liquored up. (If that doesn't work, the roofies are comin' out.) While not a novel approach, it has proven very effective over the centuries. Oh, and a curveball. Tango classes. And it is a good idea. Props to Bret for a novel idea.
Walk on the beach. And she brings out the notes. Thankfully, she does it. And it pays off as they head to the love-den.
TAYA in the TUB
She just said that she's bothered by the fact that Mindy isn't back yet. So she's going to have a "romantic alone time" in the tub. By herself. Does she know that water and "electric devices" are not a good mix?
We have Mindy's 'walk of shame'. Mindy is feeding into the headgames for Taya. Wow, Mindy pulls a Heather and just flaunts it in her face. It must be the smell of Bret that makes girls do that. Taya has lost respect for her (but not Precious Bret, I'm sure). What in the world is she thinking? Has she never seen this show before? Is she unaware of the three-some with Laci, Heather, and Brandi B in season one? Stupid, stupid girl.
TAYA'S DATE
They are going on a zip line. Who doesn't want to be the guy strapping Taya in? A few well-placed hands while "strapping her in". Which is much better than letting her "strap one on" in case you need to know.
Dinner. Will he ask the hard questions? Yep, he does. He is a little troubled by her sincerity. Oh, and the producers are eating this up. I feel like I'm watching Talk Soup by the graphics.
Bret plays the "take it back to my room." And the woman who judged Mindy pretty hard last night didn't blink when they got up from the table. He was pretty smooth tho, eh? But wait, there's more.
I just realized that she isn't wearing her Penthouse necklace. What a shock. "He knows how to crawl into your heart and stick in there", and I'm thinking he knows how to do some more 'stickin' if you know what I mean - and I'm sure that you do. So Taya doesn't put out. Really. Who would have called that?? We are shocked.
The next day
Mindy is in a good mood. Taya needs to "get her mind in a good place." Christ, I don't care how hot she is, and Taya is hot, but that's the kinda phrase that just makes one go soft. Crackers in bed? Don't give a damn. But "mind in a good place" is not the phrase that pays for this compadre.
Ouch!!! Did they have to show Mindy's lip-waxing? Oh damn, just get a razor for Pete's sake. Guess they aren't going to show the Brazillian wax job. That must have been what that scream was for. Have to buy the DVD for that.
Engagement rings. Man, this could be construed (mis or not) as one Hell of a head game. They both are floored as they should be. This message says "the one of you that doesn't get this, came this close." I'd think this would send Taya into a tizzie.
Elimination:
Are Mindy's breasts real? Discuss.
Bret makes a joke regarding his commitment phobia. Damn, that's funny. We should have a beer with him one of these days.
Could Bret be any farther apart from them? It has to be fifty feet. Is he yelling? With the ocean in the background, who could hear anything. I think he could let one rip and no one would hear it. Not that anyone is close enough to pull his finger.
The conversations on the goods and bads of each. He seems to have Mindy nailed. I like that he recognizes that others probably thought they could walk over her. More astute than we gave him credit.
He tears Taya down pretty hard before the commercial. Are they messin with us??
And he calls Mindy down. The spacing is working out to drown out their conversation. And he turns Mindy down. Poor choice. Wow, watch her face get hard, fast. Like her interview lines - just another asshole in rockstar clothing. I guess she did miss seasons one and two. Don't get me wrong, Bret's cool in my book, but any girl wanting to date him should have no illusions.
He spent three-hours walking up and down the beach pondering what to do. What slays me is that he pulls this crap where he has to set 'the scene' to show himself as a deep thinker by "walking three hours on the beach" or some other shit.
The wife is not pleased. Pretty douche ending to all in all a douche season, compared with the other two. The producers made him work the engagement ring in but he'll hang on to that for safe keeping!!! HA! At least we got one last laugh from the Rock of Love Bus!!!
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Episode Eleven
Eleven. I think, not sure. It seems so long since we hung with Bret and the girls. Kinda lose count after a while.
As an aside, those of you in the NC/SC area, Bret will be performing in Myrtle Beach on June 10th. Yeah, it is a Wednesday, but for Bret, wouldn't you risk it all??? Hell, these girls did... Of course we will be in Richmond at EFO, but you gotta make sacrafices. He's a country star now so bring your boots and hat and yeeee-hawwww. Allie says that if The Girls were going to be there, a birthday trip to Myrtle would be in my future.
What do we have, three girls left? Taya, Penthouse Pet of the Year and all-around hottie, Mindy the southern belle that we know NOTHING about, and Jamie who we also have no clue about either. So we have a known and two unknowns.
So on a hotness factor, we have to go with Taya, with a close second from Mindy who is no slouch, just doesn't have the resume. For stability I'd put them in the opposite order 'cus Jamie seems to have her head together, Mindy's relationship poor and seems to overthink things, and Taya has taken the role of the cry-er.
And it is nice that I finally got the names right.
On with the show.
It is all about the hotel. The Sagamore - The Art Hotel. We looked it up. Seems kinda nice. Little bit outta our range. Rated #16 out of 200+ hotels in the greater Miami area. Jamie has gone for the headband/flapper look. Not too sure 'bout that.
Bret gives them the outfits for Mardi Gras. Leaves nothing to the imagination. Taya is right at home. Mindy is uncomfortable. She's in awesome shape and this bothers her??? Of course, the outfit is bad looking. Bitch, bitch, bitch and she won't get into the outfit. Does she not get that it is all down to three. Crunch time and she's caving. No prime time player. And Allie mentioned the full moon. Yep, and it all makes sense.
Captain Buzzkill. And he's struggling with this??
He's going hard core with the questions. Puts each on the spot about the others. Whew, does anyone think it is hot in here? "The road does mysterious things to people." Mindy pulls the drama about Taya. Can they, for the love of Pete, just take care of their own business. It is Catty (with a Capital C) and Jamie is digging this. She's playing the Survivor strategy. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? We've voted for YES.
Miami by helicopter. Nice. Good call. Did they do that in Vegas in a previous season?
Taya goes ugly. She is spilling the beans of their conversation from last night. Getting nasty.
Jamie's headband has to go.
Bret spills his guts that he isn't sure what he's looking for. No shit. Isn't that the whole point of these three seasons?!?!?
Strong move. Divide and conquer. I'm starting to thing that Mindy blew it yesterday by doing nothing while she was at the hotel. In a way to show a level of devotion, she should have done something to demonstrate her commitment. Like nude pictures or a Rock of Love Bus 3 tattoo.
Gator date. Jamie - "I'm totally feeling Bret right now" while his hand is running up her thigh. No Jamie, Bret's totally feeling you up. Kinda the same, but different.
Now, props to the girls on the Gator trip for not mentioning Taya. Then Bret brings it up. I gotta say, he could dump Taya or Mindy for just cause, but they are both hotter than Jamie. Whew. Tough choice between hotness and coolness.
Taya says she "feature danced", but she's not a stripper. We went to the dictionary to look it up, but can't come up with anything exept a video on go-go dancing. I think that makes her a stripper. One that splits hairs on technical points.
Action packed episode. Half way through and two dates down. This is full-on.
Dead-silence dinner. Oh, this is funny as hell. Three seasons in a row he's had one of these dinners with no action. Does he never learn? Taya's day is in a funk since she didn't go on the date and all she did was her nails. Don't these girls read a paper? Watch the news? Grab a copy of People or US Weekly and find something to talk about? Where's the depth of character???
Jamie opens it up. She openly admits that she's waiting for Taya and Mindy to attack one another so she can watch the spectacle. That was too damned funny. I don't think the other realize this, no, I'm sure they don't realize it, but that was a HUGE put-down on her part and Taya comes back with an apology??? UG.
Damn, Jamie towers over those two.
Mindy goes down the defeatest road. That's how she gets by - lowers expectations and detaches so she won't get hurt if it goes bad. Common defense mechanism.
We get tears from Taya 'cus she hasn't seen him today. What a flake. "I don't have insecurities 'cus I have a nine-year old." "I'm 29 going on 129". What the hell is that?? That's funny as hell that he showed up and then turned on his heel and left. Wonder if they had any idea they chased him away.
Elimination.
He starts out by picking out their flaws. That's warm and fuzzy. Puts everyone in a great mood and fires up the waterworks.
Mindy makes the cut.
Down to two. Hotness or coolness. Tick-tock, tick-tock. I get the feeling that Taya can't handle rejection or failure.
I just have to say that this is low-brow entertainment. Really? you say. But when I look at the commercials for the other shows, I realize that this may be the top of the bottom heap.
Bret sends Jamie off. Bad move. But she struggled to tell him what she was truly thinking/feeling and her message got off-track. He didn't think she cared and she didn't convey that she did. Sucks because she actually has the most realistic expectations about what this could truly be and is as low key as they come.
Since Bret claims this is the last time he's doing this and will present a ring to the lucky girl next week, join us for one last Bret Blog next week!!!
As an aside, those of you in the NC/SC area, Bret will be performing in Myrtle Beach on June 10th. Yeah, it is a Wednesday, but for Bret, wouldn't you risk it all??? Hell, these girls did... Of course we will be in Richmond at EFO, but you gotta make sacrafices. He's a country star now so bring your boots and hat and yeeee-hawwww. Allie says that if The Girls were going to be there, a birthday trip to Myrtle would be in my future.
What do we have, three girls left? Taya, Penthouse Pet of the Year and all-around hottie, Mindy the southern belle that we know NOTHING about, and Jamie who we also have no clue about either. So we have a known and two unknowns.
So on a hotness factor, we have to go with Taya, with a close second from Mindy who is no slouch, just doesn't have the resume. For stability I'd put them in the opposite order 'cus Jamie seems to have her head together, Mindy's relationship poor and seems to overthink things, and Taya has taken the role of the cry-er.
And it is nice that I finally got the names right.
On with the show.
It is all about the hotel. The Sagamore - The Art Hotel. We looked it up. Seems kinda nice. Little bit outta our range. Rated #16 out of 200+ hotels in the greater Miami area. Jamie has gone for the headband/flapper look. Not too sure 'bout that.
Bret gives them the outfits for Mardi Gras. Leaves nothing to the imagination. Taya is right at home. Mindy is uncomfortable. She's in awesome shape and this bothers her??? Of course, the outfit is bad looking. Bitch, bitch, bitch and she won't get into the outfit. Does she not get that it is all down to three. Crunch time and she's caving. No prime time player. And Allie mentioned the full moon. Yep, and it all makes sense.
Captain Buzzkill. And he's struggling with this??
He's going hard core with the questions. Puts each on the spot about the others. Whew, does anyone think it is hot in here? "The road does mysterious things to people." Mindy pulls the drama about Taya. Can they, for the love of Pete, just take care of their own business. It is Catty (with a Capital C) and Jamie is digging this. She's playing the Survivor strategy. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? We've voted for YES.
Miami by helicopter. Nice. Good call. Did they do that in Vegas in a previous season?
Taya goes ugly. She is spilling the beans of their conversation from last night. Getting nasty.
Jamie's headband has to go.
Bret spills his guts that he isn't sure what he's looking for. No shit. Isn't that the whole point of these three seasons?!?!?
Strong move. Divide and conquer. I'm starting to thing that Mindy blew it yesterday by doing nothing while she was at the hotel. In a way to show a level of devotion, she should have done something to demonstrate her commitment. Like nude pictures or a Rock of Love Bus 3 tattoo.
Gator date. Jamie - "I'm totally feeling Bret right now" while his hand is running up her thigh. No Jamie, Bret's totally feeling you up. Kinda the same, but different.
Now, props to the girls on the Gator trip for not mentioning Taya. Then Bret brings it up. I gotta say, he could dump Taya or Mindy for just cause, but they are both hotter than Jamie. Whew. Tough choice between hotness and coolness.
Taya says she "feature danced", but she's not a stripper. We went to the dictionary to look it up, but can't come up with anything exept a video on go-go dancing. I think that makes her a stripper. One that splits hairs on technical points.
Action packed episode. Half way through and two dates down. This is full-on.
Dead-silence dinner. Oh, this is funny as hell. Three seasons in a row he's had one of these dinners with no action. Does he never learn? Taya's day is in a funk since she didn't go on the date and all she did was her nails. Don't these girls read a paper? Watch the news? Grab a copy of People or US Weekly and find something to talk about? Where's the depth of character???
Jamie opens it up. She openly admits that she's waiting for Taya and Mindy to attack one another so she can watch the spectacle. That was too damned funny. I don't think the other realize this, no, I'm sure they don't realize it, but that was a HUGE put-down on her part and Taya comes back with an apology??? UG.
Damn, Jamie towers over those two.
Mindy goes down the defeatest road. That's how she gets by - lowers expectations and detaches so she won't get hurt if it goes bad. Common defense mechanism.
We get tears from Taya 'cus she hasn't seen him today. What a flake. "I don't have insecurities 'cus I have a nine-year old." "I'm 29 going on 129". What the hell is that?? That's funny as hell that he showed up and then turned on his heel and left. Wonder if they had any idea they chased him away.
Elimination.
He starts out by picking out their flaws. That's warm and fuzzy. Puts everyone in a great mood and fires up the waterworks.
Mindy makes the cut.
Down to two. Hotness or coolness. Tick-tock, tick-tock. I get the feeling that Taya can't handle rejection or failure.
I just have to say that this is low-brow entertainment. Really? you say. But when I look at the commercials for the other shows, I realize that this may be the top of the bottom heap.
Bret sends Jamie off. Bad move. But she struggled to tell him what she was truly thinking/feeling and her message got off-track. He didn't think she cared and she didn't convey that she did. Sucks because she actually has the most realistic expectations about what this could truly be and is as low key as they come.
Since Bret claims this is the last time he's doing this and will present a ring to the lucky girl next week, join us for one last Bret Blog next week!!!
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Episode Ten
Again, week after week I am flabbergasted at how the season has just flown by. We're down to four girls and it is starting to get tight. The wierd part is that we have four "good" girls. No outlandish stripper contributions, no overly botoxed nasty chicks covered in tatts, just four upstanding young ladies. Or maybe not. They gotta do something to spice up the end of the season.
We wake up and they're are all in one room. Bev is shit-talking the blond-terage - sweeeeet. Good for her. Revenge is sweet. If only there was money involved for making the final four.
We start busting on Taya. Taking turns trashing her and her neurotic running of the mouth. Fair 'nuf.
Excellent. Universal Studios. Thank goodness they didn't go to Disney. Parents would be sending their kids' therapy bills to Bret Michaels and VH-1.
Faces are cracking. Bitching about Taya. Mindy crying for no reason. Has anyone noticed that Jamie is just the most level-headed one in the group? But Mindy is hot, Jamie is not. (Allie wonders, doesn't anti-drama count towards hotness? John confirms, NO.)
Here's the problem, Mindy is spilling her heart out to the chicks that could take him away from her. Does anyone see the irony? Wait, they do this every season.
They have to put together a song. This could be a disaster. Quite possibly the lamest contest yet. Kinda like that dance contest they had in season two. Mindy is just collapsing. Big John should pick her up later for a cast-off. He could do worse. Taya is knocking this out while calming Mindy down. Hmmm.
Did I miss the part where we went from everyone busting on Taya to Mindy's crack-up. AYE CAHNT SANG. Enough! Just give up and shut up. Ug.
They just playing with our emotions. Does anyone think that Mindy looks like Janet Jackson? Got them cat eyes...
WOW, Bev knocks a home run!!!!!! And it is funny too. "And how many skanks I had to beat". Good line.
Jamie does well too, despite not being able to sing. But, then she gets a little nasty with her opinion of Taya. The cat-fight of the good girls is beginning. Bitchy, bitchy, and bitchy.
What's up with Mindy's shirt? EEEK, she is absolutely tone-deaf. And to top it off, she has no rhythm. She's a perfect mate for Johnson, Naven R. Make it stop.
Man, this blog is lame. I think it is because the show is lame. There's just too little to work with. Good thing Bret is giving up after this season if he can't find his mate. They are gonna cat fight from here on. I'm thinking to pick on Bret's use of the word "un-confidence". As Chris Rock said, "Somebody didn't get enough hugs."
Mindy is messin with Taya's head. This is kinda good. The lineup before he selects the winner you can tell that Taya is distracted. Wow, who farted in the studio? Bitches just getting petty. Wait, that's what makes them bitches.
Bev's fun-bags are just falling out of that top. Who knew she owned something like that??
What can go wrong? Who knows. These are some over-sensetive bitches. Allie is wondering who is getting their period in the next 24 hours... Is it their love for Bret so strong that all common sense and decorum flies out the window? What's amazing is that he hasn't knocked boots with anyone left on the show and this is the reactions that we're getting. Imagine how heated this would get if he'd been throwing the Poison pelvic thrust at one or two.
Yep, this is gonna get lame. Mindy and Jamie are sitting in the hotel. Don't they have any money? Can't they go to the pool or the hotel bar? Wait, props to Jamie for coming up with the idea of slutty photos. Or to the producer who gave them the camera because THEY were dying of boredom in the hotel room with the girls.
The concert. Bev has a corn dog, or otherwise known as a dick on a stick. Couldn't they have done something with that?? Hell, can't I do something with that. Shit, nope.
Back to the hotel. They are still bitchy. Doesn't this shit go on in college sororities?? (Allie says yes.) If we have to witness this, can't they be in lingerie and heels? Boob(s), buttcheeks showing through thongs? Shouldn't we get some nudity to make up for this bitchiness? Will there be a adults-only version of the show released in video? Out-takes on VH1? Anything? We deserve that.
Breakfast:
Lame. Even the cooking looks lame. I cranked out a better breakfast for my baby with expired eggs this morning and she's a sure thing (for me) with whitty banter. WTF: Is Taya crying over eggs benedict without the dick?? Get over yourself.
Mindy is ready to spill. She tries to spill on Taya, but with limited success. What ever happened to people taking care of their own issues? Standing up for themselves. Is this how women work? (Allie says: Only psycho women.) What I'm loving is that Mindy's pissed that Jamie interrupted, but Jamie did her a solid by bringing the pictures. If Jamie hadn't provided the delivery, they'd never get into his hands. If she were Heather or Daisy, she would have conveniently "forgotten" that Mindy was even there when the pics were taken, much less brought a framed photo down for her.
Elimination:
Taya shit talks Bev. You know, I don't really care if she wants to get something for her kids that he signed. Probably the only chance she'll get for something like that, if she doesn't win. Yet the whole damned episode was a chasm between Taya and Mindy. Interesting concept but lame.
Jamie stays??? That's a little surprising. But, good.
Bev gets the shoe. Boots lasted longer than any of the blondes - awesome. In the end, we all can recognize that she didn't sell herself and do things (strip on stage at a club) she'll regret. WOW, made it to the final four with dignity pretty much intact. Well, except for getting shitfaced on multiple occasions in front of everyone and having emotional outbursts. Goodbye Bev - you were Allie's horse from the start!
We wake up and they're are all in one room. Bev is shit-talking the blond-terage - sweeeeet. Good for her. Revenge is sweet. If only there was money involved for making the final four.
We start busting on Taya. Taking turns trashing her and her neurotic running of the mouth. Fair 'nuf.
Excellent. Universal Studios. Thank goodness they didn't go to Disney. Parents would be sending their kids' therapy bills to Bret Michaels and VH-1.
Faces are cracking. Bitching about Taya. Mindy crying for no reason. Has anyone noticed that Jamie is just the most level-headed one in the group? But Mindy is hot, Jamie is not. (Allie wonders, doesn't anti-drama count towards hotness? John confirms, NO.)
Here's the problem, Mindy is spilling her heart out to the chicks that could take him away from her. Does anyone see the irony? Wait, they do this every season.
They have to put together a song. This could be a disaster. Quite possibly the lamest contest yet. Kinda like that dance contest they had in season two. Mindy is just collapsing. Big John should pick her up later for a cast-off. He could do worse. Taya is knocking this out while calming Mindy down. Hmmm.
Did I miss the part where we went from everyone busting on Taya to Mindy's crack-up. AYE CAHNT SANG. Enough! Just give up and shut up. Ug.
They just playing with our emotions. Does anyone think that Mindy looks like Janet Jackson? Got them cat eyes...
WOW, Bev knocks a home run!!!!!! And it is funny too. "And how many skanks I had to beat". Good line.
Jamie does well too, despite not being able to sing. But, then she gets a little nasty with her opinion of Taya. The cat-fight of the good girls is beginning. Bitchy, bitchy, and bitchy.
What's up with Mindy's shirt? EEEK, she is absolutely tone-deaf. And to top it off, she has no rhythm. She's a perfect mate for Johnson, Naven R. Make it stop.
Man, this blog is lame. I think it is because the show is lame. There's just too little to work with. Good thing Bret is giving up after this season if he can't find his mate. They are gonna cat fight from here on. I'm thinking to pick on Bret's use of the word "un-confidence". As Chris Rock said, "Somebody didn't get enough hugs."
Mindy is messin with Taya's head. This is kinda good. The lineup before he selects the winner you can tell that Taya is distracted. Wow, who farted in the studio? Bitches just getting petty. Wait, that's what makes them bitches.
Bev's fun-bags are just falling out of that top. Who knew she owned something like that??
What can go wrong? Who knows. These are some over-sensetive bitches. Allie is wondering who is getting their period in the next 24 hours... Is it their love for Bret so strong that all common sense and decorum flies out the window? What's amazing is that he hasn't knocked boots with anyone left on the show and this is the reactions that we're getting. Imagine how heated this would get if he'd been throwing the Poison pelvic thrust at one or two.
Yep, this is gonna get lame. Mindy and Jamie are sitting in the hotel. Don't they have any money? Can't they go to the pool or the hotel bar? Wait, props to Jamie for coming up with the idea of slutty photos. Or to the producer who gave them the camera because THEY were dying of boredom in the hotel room with the girls.
The concert. Bev has a corn dog, or otherwise known as a dick on a stick. Couldn't they have done something with that?? Hell, can't I do something with that. Shit, nope.
Back to the hotel. They are still bitchy. Doesn't this shit go on in college sororities?? (Allie says yes.) If we have to witness this, can't they be in lingerie and heels? Boob(s), buttcheeks showing through thongs? Shouldn't we get some nudity to make up for this bitchiness? Will there be a adults-only version of the show released in video? Out-takes on VH1? Anything? We deserve that.
Breakfast:
Lame. Even the cooking looks lame. I cranked out a better breakfast for my baby with expired eggs this morning and she's a sure thing (for me) with whitty banter. WTF: Is Taya crying over eggs benedict without the dick?? Get over yourself.
Mindy is ready to spill. She tries to spill on Taya, but with limited success. What ever happened to people taking care of their own issues? Standing up for themselves. Is this how women work? (Allie says: Only psycho women.) What I'm loving is that Mindy's pissed that Jamie interrupted, but Jamie did her a solid by bringing the pictures. If Jamie hadn't provided the delivery, they'd never get into his hands. If she were Heather or Daisy, she would have conveniently "forgotten" that Mindy was even there when the pics were taken, much less brought a framed photo down for her.
Elimination:
Taya shit talks Bev. You know, I don't really care if she wants to get something for her kids that he signed. Probably the only chance she'll get for something like that, if she doesn't win. Yet the whole damned episode was a chasm between Taya and Mindy. Interesting concept but lame.
Jamie stays??? That's a little surprising. But, good.
Bev gets the shoe. Boots lasted longer than any of the blondes - awesome. In the end, we all can recognize that she didn't sell herself and do things (strip on stage at a club) she'll regret. WOW, made it to the final four with dignity pretty much intact. Well, except for getting shitfaced on multiple occasions in front of everyone and having emotional outbursts. Goodbye Bev - you were Allie's horse from the start!
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Episode Nine
OK, before we watch, I'm betting that he'll use the phrase "the sexy six." With such a limited budget, I'm sure they are struggling with finding writers so they'll just retread the previous season's lame nicknames. Couldn't they have brought Flav in to give an assist? I gotta believe he'll work for cheap and was full of nicknames during FoL.
So who do we have left? Let's see (hand rubbing on chin)...
Ashley: Stripper. Single mom. Set new levels of trashy-ness with every word that comes out of her mouth. Imagine coming home to her when she's in a bad mood. That vicious attitude and razor tongue unleashed on you, and not in a good way. I can't, for the life of me, see what is to like about her. Nasty tats, circus boobs, bad makeup, and bad hair. Take away the freakish boobs, she looks to be in shape, a must for her job (but not for Farrah) - yep, that's the compliment that I can come up with for her.
Taya: Penthouse Pet. Single mom. Former stripper. Gets into too much drama. Other than that, just not sure what's wrong with her. Based on Bret's previous relationships (re: Pam Anderson) it seems like she'd be right up his alley.
Julie: We think a stripper, since they did pick her up at the strip club after the show started. Seems level headed, doesn't get into any issues with anyone else. But nothing stands out about her.
Brittanya: "Go Go Dancer". Single mom and possibly not a good one. Vapid was our word from day one. We've consulted Roget and like "namby-pamby" and "vacant" as other strong adjectives. Wierd tats. Strange pierced dimples (run out of things to pierce???). Nice figure. But the girl can't carry a conversation to save her life. There's nothing there, or certainly nothing worth talking about upstairs. Crickets.
Mindy: Great body. Yep, that's what we know. I think she's from Alabama, but that's all we know. She didn't mention kids, did mention that she has a real job, and that's what I recall. Older than most of the rest, I think in her early thirties.
Beverly: No occupation that we know of. Single mother of three. Drunk. Serious drunk. Anger issues when drinking. Real boobs. Rocker kinda chick. She's the real fan of his and is comfortable with the lifestyle, except for the other girls around him. Maybe too comfortable with the lifestyle. I'd have some serious questions if the three kids are from different fathers.
Does anyone remember the big deal of Rodeo's kid? Two years ago this was monumental. Even last season with Christy Joe and her two kids there was some level of taboo-ness. This year I think we have four moms left. Does that mean next week we can have the fertile five??? I think even Flav could come up with that one.
I'm all about Taya or Mindy. Of course, I'm in for the good girls. When I count down the remaining six, we have one bad girl in Ashley, one potentially bad girl (if she had a brain) in Brittanya (BTW, did anyone see her dumping OJ during the infamous salsa incident last week?), and four nice girls with Bev nice, but strange and with issues. I'm betting Bret will go for Ashley and Mindy for the final two.
On with the show.
They open with the girls waiting to see who won and who didn't. Ashley takes it hard that Farrah is gone, weeping for her eliminated BFF.
I'm wrong, "The Smoking Hot Six".
I just found out that her name is Jamie, not Julie. Yeah, that's how much she stands out. Oops.
Nicer conversation, the girls just chatting. Ashley: "This is the most boring conversation I've ever had. I'd rather say nothing than talk to this group."
Ambre is back. She still looks real good. Oh, and they dated for ten months. Do the math. How can that be right? And how often could they have been together. And Heather. Allie is thinking Heather is looking better, definitely better than she did in season one. She's aged reasonably well. The money she gets from these things are probably paying for some 'work'. And Brittanya has issue with Heather 'cus Heather had issue with Daisy. I imagine that she and Daisy could have been BFFs in a different time and place.
The ex's episode. Bev takes it badly that her ex didn't show. Too badly. So, he didn't want to air his dirty laundry on a cheesy VH-1 show...honestly, having a hard time holding that against him.
Here's what I love, they use the term ex. I've said this before and I'll say it again, unless you were married, the term 'ex' should not be used in any way. Dating, living together, none of it means a damned bit if you didn't make the commitment to get married. To call an old boyfriend/girlfriend an 'ex' is a poor way of trying to parallel that relationship with being married. Feh. [John has ranted. WTF, it is our blog, ranting is what it is here for.]
Oh, and the trash comes out. Brittanya's guy is named Royal T. Oh, that's too funny. And, so so so fitting.
Bret takes the girls for a few drinks. Yeah, just a recipe for disaster with Bev already in a bad mood. Throwing oil into a hot pan.
So Jamie is a rock groupie. Hmmmmm. Could be good.
Now we meet Ashley's left tit moniker, James. This guy is here to take her back. Yeah, I want to meet the guy who's name is on my girl's fun bag. This guy is a little too confident. Thinking that Bret hasn't bagged Ashley? He's fooling himself. Roll back the tape!!
Volcano Bev is about to erupt. Awesome. In an effort to "help", Ashley offers a shot of alcohol. Nice move on her part. Turn up the heat on the drunk.
"Whassa Going On Court". We love the use of Allie's favorite Bret quote. Nice. Maybe they did hire a writer. This is beyond Flav.
Is Jamie a gypsy? What's with the headband? Little bit of a crazy groupie. Is she just in for the band life? ABBA cover band groupie wanna be?
Ashley is thinking about leaving. Sweet - The gig is up! You knew that evil hosebag (wife's word) has got plenty to be ashamed of and not enough character to stand up for her history. To be expected. Taya is just pissing on the fire (smells very bad by the way) and telling her that she shouldn't be afraid of anything if it isn't true. It is like the angel and devil sitting on Pinto's shoulders in Animal House: Devil - "Fuck her. Go ahead, look at those cream puffs." Angel - "No, that would be wrong." Taya is playing the angel and getting into Ashley's head. Sweet. This is the kinda thing we all hoped would happen one day to her, and to Laci from the first season. You know that Big John will be reporting back on this.
DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!! Ashley lives with this guy. Fire. Flames. Absolute combustion. We're talking Independence Day blow ups. Watch for them on the next season of "Vegas Ink".
Taya was doing fine. She's a burlesque dancer. The this Jaz freak goes off. He just gets a little nutty. You wonder if he intentionally went off just to deflect the attention from her. Of course he did seem kinda weird when Ambre was talking to him previously. Very very psycho.
Brittanya's day in "court". The previews made this seem like an event. Bret's line of the year, "Lies make baby Jesus cry." The wife cackles. Nice. This guy, Royal T, is also out of control. Brittanya then gets all emotional. Here's the best part, while I know this was edited, she didn't even listen to what Heather was saying. He did say that shit and she's not even listening. This girl has gone from waterish (Roget) to pungent in a few minutes. What I've just realized is that this girl isn't vapid, she's stupid (or stoopid for those in WVA). Here's no higher thoughts out of her besides eating, screwing, and fighting. Nothing. Ok, fair enough, we'll add getting tattoos and piercings. But, after that, NOTHING. Got the three+ basic levels down, but I don't see her reading Proust late into the night. Beetle Bailey maybe, but that's as far as she goes.
Now, Bret just realizes what's he's got left. This was absolutely the best thing they could have done. While I personally never care to meet my wife's former boyfriends, this has been revealing. So far, every girl that we consider trash, has shown her true colors through her own actions and those of the boyfriends and proved to the "jury" beyond any reasonable doubt that they are trash.
Beverly: No one stands in for her. She was pregnant at 17. Yeah, that can cause some serious anger. She held up well in front of Ambre and Heather, but her out-takes afterwards showed some bile. They are probably right though, she never got a chance to cut loose so now is her chance. Fair enough - known plenty of people like that.
Mindy comes out smelling like a rose. Like we knew she would. What I am getting out of Mindy is that she's moldable to who she's dating. We still have no idea what she does for a living or how she passes her time.
Ashley and James. Yep, she couldn't even spit it out that they live together. One mark that she has for her is that they have a kid together and are raising the child. Daisy had no excuse. And they differ on whether they still sleep together. He says yes, she says no. This is too damned funny. He's here to take her home, she tells us she's ready to move on. How can you move on when you share a roof? Stupid girl. And amazingly stupid choice of sperm donor.
As an aside, like any crazy situation, it's the kids who are the victims. Wish them the best, they are gonna need it with these people for parents.
The review. Bret may have just nailed it with Bev. The girl didn't get her teens and twenties since she was married and raising kids. Not having custody of the kids is a mark in my eyes as well - what's the story on that?
Elimination:
So who do we say good-bye to tonight. I'm going with Ashley, Allie is saying the spitter, Brittanya.
Ashley came up to the hotel room to talk to Bret. The girl is desperate. And Bret must be thinking she is lying her ass off. Here's the funny part. Can he imagine being with her, having joint custody of the child, and this asshole showing up for visitation on a regular basis? No chance. Just stepping into a mess with this skank. Who wants that at 44 when you already have your own child-rearing issues?
Jamie just goes nuts when she's picked for her pass.
Taya gets emotional. She is a drama queen. Love the violins in the background.
Beverly needs counseling. Maybe she just needs a good lay? At least she got married. Props for her over the two remaining skanks.
And the candle burns down.
No big shock and no big heart ache that "The Spitter" is sent packing. Adios.
Ashley said that not telling him about living with James is just "the one thing." There's no understanding for her beyond this. She does not get the gravity of her situation. If she's just say that she is here open and ready to fall in love, she can stay. Hmm, ah, silence...
And they are both gone!!!!!!!!!! Let the trumpets blare. Fanfare. We're both right!!! Yep, the skank couldn't look him in the eye. The best part is that she lashes out at the others after she's gone. No concept that she's responsible for her own actions.
Holy shit. We just got four good girls. How in the hell did that happen? Has Bret really figured it out? Does he finally know what he's looking for? Or at least think he knows? The earth has shaken, the seas boil, and the heavens open! The week will go so slowly until next Sunday...
So who do we have left? Let's see (hand rubbing on chin)...
Ashley: Stripper. Single mom. Set new levels of trashy-ness with every word that comes out of her mouth. Imagine coming home to her when she's in a bad mood. That vicious attitude and razor tongue unleashed on you, and not in a good way. I can't, for the life of me, see what is to like about her. Nasty tats, circus boobs, bad makeup, and bad hair. Take away the freakish boobs, she looks to be in shape, a must for her job (but not for Farrah) - yep, that's the compliment that I can come up with for her.
Taya: Penthouse Pet. Single mom. Former stripper. Gets into too much drama. Other than that, just not sure what's wrong with her. Based on Bret's previous relationships (re: Pam Anderson) it seems like she'd be right up his alley.
Julie: We think a stripper, since they did pick her up at the strip club after the show started. Seems level headed, doesn't get into any issues with anyone else. But nothing stands out about her.
Brittanya: "Go Go Dancer". Single mom and possibly not a good one. Vapid was our word from day one. We've consulted Roget and like "namby-pamby" and "vacant" as other strong adjectives. Wierd tats. Strange pierced dimples (run out of things to pierce???). Nice figure. But the girl can't carry a conversation to save her life. There's nothing there, or certainly nothing worth talking about upstairs. Crickets.
Mindy: Great body. Yep, that's what we know. I think she's from Alabama, but that's all we know. She didn't mention kids, did mention that she has a real job, and that's what I recall. Older than most of the rest, I think in her early thirties.
Beverly: No occupation that we know of. Single mother of three. Drunk. Serious drunk. Anger issues when drinking. Real boobs. Rocker kinda chick. She's the real fan of his and is comfortable with the lifestyle, except for the other girls around him. Maybe too comfortable with the lifestyle. I'd have some serious questions if the three kids are from different fathers.
Does anyone remember the big deal of Rodeo's kid? Two years ago this was monumental. Even last season with Christy Joe and her two kids there was some level of taboo-ness. This year I think we have four moms left. Does that mean next week we can have the fertile five??? I think even Flav could come up with that one.
I'm all about Taya or Mindy. Of course, I'm in for the good girls. When I count down the remaining six, we have one bad girl in Ashley, one potentially bad girl (if she had a brain) in Brittanya (BTW, did anyone see her dumping OJ during the infamous salsa incident last week?), and four nice girls with Bev nice, but strange and with issues. I'm betting Bret will go for Ashley and Mindy for the final two.
On with the show.
They open with the girls waiting to see who won and who didn't. Ashley takes it hard that Farrah is gone, weeping for her eliminated BFF.
I'm wrong, "The Smoking Hot Six".
I just found out that her name is Jamie, not Julie. Yeah, that's how much she stands out. Oops.
Nicer conversation, the girls just chatting. Ashley: "This is the most boring conversation I've ever had. I'd rather say nothing than talk to this group."
Ambre is back. She still looks real good. Oh, and they dated for ten months. Do the math. How can that be right? And how often could they have been together. And Heather. Allie is thinking Heather is looking better, definitely better than she did in season one. She's aged reasonably well. The money she gets from these things are probably paying for some 'work'. And Brittanya has issue with Heather 'cus Heather had issue with Daisy. I imagine that she and Daisy could have been BFFs in a different time and place.
The ex's episode. Bev takes it badly that her ex didn't show. Too badly. So, he didn't want to air his dirty laundry on a cheesy VH-1 show...honestly, having a hard time holding that against him.
Here's what I love, they use the term ex. I've said this before and I'll say it again, unless you were married, the term 'ex' should not be used in any way. Dating, living together, none of it means a damned bit if you didn't make the commitment to get married. To call an old boyfriend/girlfriend an 'ex' is a poor way of trying to parallel that relationship with being married. Feh. [John has ranted. WTF, it is our blog, ranting is what it is here for.]
Oh, and the trash comes out. Brittanya's guy is named Royal T. Oh, that's too funny. And, so so so fitting.
Bret takes the girls for a few drinks. Yeah, just a recipe for disaster with Bev already in a bad mood. Throwing oil into a hot pan.
So Jamie is a rock groupie. Hmmmmm. Could be good.
Now we meet Ashley's left tit moniker, James. This guy is here to take her back. Yeah, I want to meet the guy who's name is on my girl's fun bag. This guy is a little too confident. Thinking that Bret hasn't bagged Ashley? He's fooling himself. Roll back the tape!!
Volcano Bev is about to erupt. Awesome. In an effort to "help", Ashley offers a shot of alcohol. Nice move on her part. Turn up the heat on the drunk.
"Whassa Going On Court". We love the use of Allie's favorite Bret quote. Nice. Maybe they did hire a writer. This is beyond Flav.
Is Jamie a gypsy? What's with the headband? Little bit of a crazy groupie. Is she just in for the band life? ABBA cover band groupie wanna be?
Ashley is thinking about leaving. Sweet - The gig is up! You knew that evil hosebag (wife's word) has got plenty to be ashamed of and not enough character to stand up for her history. To be expected. Taya is just pissing on the fire (smells very bad by the way) and telling her that she shouldn't be afraid of anything if it isn't true. It is like the angel and devil sitting on Pinto's shoulders in Animal House: Devil - "Fuck her. Go ahead, look at those cream puffs." Angel - "No, that would be wrong." Taya is playing the angel and getting into Ashley's head. Sweet. This is the kinda thing we all hoped would happen one day to her, and to Laci from the first season. You know that Big John will be reporting back on this.
DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!! Ashley lives with this guy. Fire. Flames. Absolute combustion. We're talking Independence Day blow ups. Watch for them on the next season of "Vegas Ink".
Taya was doing fine. She's a burlesque dancer. The this Jaz freak goes off. He just gets a little nutty. You wonder if he intentionally went off just to deflect the attention from her. Of course he did seem kinda weird when Ambre was talking to him previously. Very very psycho.
Brittanya's day in "court". The previews made this seem like an event. Bret's line of the year, "Lies make baby Jesus cry." The wife cackles. Nice. This guy, Royal T, is also out of control. Brittanya then gets all emotional. Here's the best part, while I know this was edited, she didn't even listen to what Heather was saying. He did say that shit and she's not even listening. This girl has gone from waterish (Roget) to pungent in a few minutes. What I've just realized is that this girl isn't vapid, she's stupid (or stoopid for those in WVA). Here's no higher thoughts out of her besides eating, screwing, and fighting. Nothing. Ok, fair enough, we'll add getting tattoos and piercings. But, after that, NOTHING. Got the three+ basic levels down, but I don't see her reading Proust late into the night. Beetle Bailey maybe, but that's as far as she goes.
Now, Bret just realizes what's he's got left. This was absolutely the best thing they could have done. While I personally never care to meet my wife's former boyfriends, this has been revealing. So far, every girl that we consider trash, has shown her true colors through her own actions and those of the boyfriends and proved to the "jury" beyond any reasonable doubt that they are trash.
Beverly: No one stands in for her. She was pregnant at 17. Yeah, that can cause some serious anger. She held up well in front of Ambre and Heather, but her out-takes afterwards showed some bile. They are probably right though, she never got a chance to cut loose so now is her chance. Fair enough - known plenty of people like that.
Mindy comes out smelling like a rose. Like we knew she would. What I am getting out of Mindy is that she's moldable to who she's dating. We still have no idea what she does for a living or how she passes her time.
Ashley and James. Yep, she couldn't even spit it out that they live together. One mark that she has for her is that they have a kid together and are raising the child. Daisy had no excuse. And they differ on whether they still sleep together. He says yes, she says no. This is too damned funny. He's here to take her home, she tells us she's ready to move on. How can you move on when you share a roof? Stupid girl. And amazingly stupid choice of sperm donor.
As an aside, like any crazy situation, it's the kids who are the victims. Wish them the best, they are gonna need it with these people for parents.
The review. Bret may have just nailed it with Bev. The girl didn't get her teens and twenties since she was married and raising kids. Not having custody of the kids is a mark in my eyes as well - what's the story on that?
Elimination:
So who do we say good-bye to tonight. I'm going with Ashley, Allie is saying the spitter, Brittanya.
Ashley came up to the hotel room to talk to Bret. The girl is desperate. And Bret must be thinking she is lying her ass off. Here's the funny part. Can he imagine being with her, having joint custody of the child, and this asshole showing up for visitation on a regular basis? No chance. Just stepping into a mess with this skank. Who wants that at 44 when you already have your own child-rearing issues?
Jamie just goes nuts when she's picked for her pass.
Taya gets emotional. She is a drama queen. Love the violins in the background.
Beverly needs counseling. Maybe she just needs a good lay? At least she got married. Props for her over the two remaining skanks.
And the candle burns down.
No big shock and no big heart ache that "The Spitter" is sent packing. Adios.
Ashley said that not telling him about living with James is just "the one thing." There's no understanding for her beyond this. She does not get the gravity of her situation. If she's just say that she is here open and ready to fall in love, she can stay. Hmm, ah, silence...
And they are both gone!!!!!!!!!! Let the trumpets blare. Fanfare. We're both right!!! Yep, the skank couldn't look him in the eye. The best part is that she lashes out at the others after she's gone. No concept that she's responsible for her own actions.
Holy shit. We just got four good girls. How in the hell did that happen? Has Bret really figured it out? Does he finally know what he's looking for? Or at least think he knows? The earth has shaken, the seas boil, and the heavens open! The week will go so slowly until next Sunday...
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
E True Hollywood Story
Oh, this should be good. Some how, some way, we have a true Hollywood story on our man Bret. I mean, really, he's no Tawny Kattaan.
And there we have it, the prototypical kid photos. There's his Dad, Wally. Yep, same guy that we saw at the Nichols' wedding.
Yes, they are telling us that Bret was anything buy normal. Yeah, that's fair. Oh they are talking about his diabetes. You know, this could explain a lot. Maybe he's living day to day since we never know what could happen to him next 'cus of the disease.
Oh, did we mention that this episode is sponsored by Midol? I shit you not. Right-hand corner of the screen.
Oh, on camera he just admitted that his buddy Ricky is the first and only guy to give him a perm. Who EVER wants to admit to that??? I guess we shouldn't be ashamed of our past - a lesson from Bret.
You know, it would cool to see the numbers about his Q-rating. Let's face it, four years ago he's a total schmuck. If you mentioned his name, you laughed and compared him to Vince Neal of Motley Crue. Losers. I mean, at least Vince at least had a porn filmed with Janine Lindemuller. But he's really gone somewhere with this reality TV thing.
Oh, this makeup thing really grew quickly. Kinda like a disease. But apparently it worked. Who knew? I'm thinking punk bands like the Cure going with makeup, but rock bands? Really did go on a limb with that one. And Glam-rock was born.
"An important business meeting at the Dairy Queen." Can you imagine being able to look back on yourself and laugh that much for such a rediculous scene?
You know, I expected to watch this and laugh my ass off, but I gotta say that the way this show is playing out, these guys really did lay it all out there. Getting kicked out of apartments quarterly. Sounds funny now, but could you imagine living that lifestyle? Hell, I've never missed a payment on anything. Rule follower, and they did it as a way of life. Rock on boys!!!
Now, I just recognized something. I don't think anyone would mistake Bret for being a talented musician, although that's what I think the recognition he's dying for. All of the interviews done with him are in the studio in front of the mixing board. Yeah, he's crying out for recognize him. He loves calling himself a 'rocker' but I think he wants to be a latter day Dylan. He really wants to be considered a musician, not a rocker. Maybe not Mozart, but I think he'd settle for Dan Fogelberg.
I love the way he put it "I was tempted." With the chicks they are putting on camera, he was a lot more than tempted.
Oh, this is kinda cool to see his different looks. There's different looks all through the years, some of which you can not recognize, but the voice is the same.
Uh oh, time for the drama part of THS. If you don't know, everyone that they profile has some major crisis that they have to overcome to be the success they are. And Bret's issue is a bike wreck. Drink riding. Damn.
"Every Rose has it's Thorn", has entered the room. It was the 900 lb. gorrilla we've been waiting for. And he comes clean that it is the exotic dancer he was dating that cheated on him that drove him to write it. Check the previous entries regarding Bret and the bad girls. This must have been the skank that started it all.
Bret finds a girl. Yeah, she's pretty hot.
And CC is the hardest drinker and drug guy in the band. Who knew?? And it all falls apart at the MTV Music Awards. Trading punches backstage between Bret and CC. Mebbe he's as tough as he presents to be.
And the band falls down.
How do you replace your lead guitar player mid-way through a tour? Do you just keep players that know your repetoire in your rollodex??
Damn, another wreck. This time on four wheels. 80 miles a hour wrecking a Ferrari. Who knew that he was so beat up? Lost four front teeth, broken nose, ribs, fingers... eeek!!!
He shagged with Pamela Anderson? Before Tommy? Good for him 'cus no one wants go in behind that. If you know what I'm talkin 'bout...
Oh no. He wanted to be a movie star. Oh, this is stuff that shouldn't come out. "A Letter From Death Row" Look it up. Straight to video.
There was a secret sex tape with him and Pam?? Again, beats Tommy to the punch. This puts him way above Vince. Janine was hot, very hot, but she's no Pam. He sued the guys trying to push the tape and they each took home over a mil. So what made her willing to put out another film? Could it be the thunder??? Does Bret have something to hide?? OK, just kidding, can't bust unless I'm willing to go there myself??
Bret goes solo. Oh, second album is a country album. This explains the hat. So he blends the bandana with the hat to meld his two worlds of rock and country.
Two kids, Rain and Georgia. Their mom's pretty hot in her own right. He was with her for nine years. So it is possible.
Big John shows up. Good to see ya. Bret going to Iraq.
Oh snap, they are talking about some crazed fan that took gun shots at his tour bus. Oh, that's screwed up. Someone is willing to take pot shots at Bret?? It isn't like he's Celine Dion.
Ah on to the show. Jes gets very little mention. Daisy gets lots of camera time. What a shame. No view of Ambre. I guess we'll just have to wait for next weeks RoL for her guest spot.
So who's the production company behind RoL?? Is it Michaels Entertainment?? He could be making serious bank pulling this off.
So that is the burn-through on Bret's THS. No wife editing, no deep thoughts, just a rant as I watch.
Till Sunday, rock on. Time for some hoops.
And there we have it, the prototypical kid photos. There's his Dad, Wally. Yep, same guy that we saw at the Nichols' wedding.
Yes, they are telling us that Bret was anything buy normal. Yeah, that's fair. Oh they are talking about his diabetes. You know, this could explain a lot. Maybe he's living day to day since we never know what could happen to him next 'cus of the disease.
Oh, did we mention that this episode is sponsored by Midol? I shit you not. Right-hand corner of the screen.
Oh, on camera he just admitted that his buddy Ricky is the first and only guy to give him a perm. Who EVER wants to admit to that??? I guess we shouldn't be ashamed of our past - a lesson from Bret.
You know, it would cool to see the numbers about his Q-rating. Let's face it, four years ago he's a total schmuck. If you mentioned his name, you laughed and compared him to Vince Neal of Motley Crue. Losers. I mean, at least Vince at least had a porn filmed with Janine Lindemuller. But he's really gone somewhere with this reality TV thing.
Oh, this makeup thing really grew quickly. Kinda like a disease. But apparently it worked. Who knew? I'm thinking punk bands like the Cure going with makeup, but rock bands? Really did go on a limb with that one. And Glam-rock was born.
"An important business meeting at the Dairy Queen." Can you imagine being able to look back on yourself and laugh that much for such a rediculous scene?
You know, I expected to watch this and laugh my ass off, but I gotta say that the way this show is playing out, these guys really did lay it all out there. Getting kicked out of apartments quarterly. Sounds funny now, but could you imagine living that lifestyle? Hell, I've never missed a payment on anything. Rule follower, and they did it as a way of life. Rock on boys!!!
Now, I just recognized something. I don't think anyone would mistake Bret for being a talented musician, although that's what I think the recognition he's dying for. All of the interviews done with him are in the studio in front of the mixing board. Yeah, he's crying out for recognize him. He loves calling himself a 'rocker' but I think he wants to be a latter day Dylan. He really wants to be considered a musician, not a rocker. Maybe not Mozart, but I think he'd settle for Dan Fogelberg.
I love the way he put it "I was tempted." With the chicks they are putting on camera, he was a lot more than tempted.
Oh, this is kinda cool to see his different looks. There's different looks all through the years, some of which you can not recognize, but the voice is the same.
Uh oh, time for the drama part of THS. If you don't know, everyone that they profile has some major crisis that they have to overcome to be the success they are. And Bret's issue is a bike wreck. Drink riding. Damn.
"Every Rose has it's Thorn", has entered the room. It was the 900 lb. gorrilla we've been waiting for. And he comes clean that it is the exotic dancer he was dating that cheated on him that drove him to write it. Check the previous entries regarding Bret and the bad girls. This must have been the skank that started it all.
Bret finds a girl. Yeah, she's pretty hot.
And CC is the hardest drinker and drug guy in the band. Who knew?? And it all falls apart at the MTV Music Awards. Trading punches backstage between Bret and CC. Mebbe he's as tough as he presents to be.
And the band falls down.
How do you replace your lead guitar player mid-way through a tour? Do you just keep players that know your repetoire in your rollodex??
Damn, another wreck. This time on four wheels. 80 miles a hour wrecking a Ferrari. Who knew that he was so beat up? Lost four front teeth, broken nose, ribs, fingers... eeek!!!
He shagged with Pamela Anderson? Before Tommy? Good for him 'cus no one wants go in behind that. If you know what I'm talkin 'bout...
Oh no. He wanted to be a movie star. Oh, this is stuff that shouldn't come out. "A Letter From Death Row" Look it up. Straight to video.
There was a secret sex tape with him and Pam?? Again, beats Tommy to the punch. This puts him way above Vince. Janine was hot, very hot, but she's no Pam. He sued the guys trying to push the tape and they each took home over a mil. So what made her willing to put out another film? Could it be the thunder??? Does Bret have something to hide?? OK, just kidding, can't bust unless I'm willing to go there myself??
Bret goes solo. Oh, second album is a country album. This explains the hat. So he blends the bandana with the hat to meld his two worlds of rock and country.
Two kids, Rain and Georgia. Their mom's pretty hot in her own right. He was with her for nine years. So it is possible.
Big John shows up. Good to see ya. Bret going to Iraq.
Oh snap, they are talking about some crazed fan that took gun shots at his tour bus. Oh, that's screwed up. Someone is willing to take pot shots at Bret?? It isn't like he's Celine Dion.
Ah on to the show. Jes gets very little mention. Daisy gets lots of camera time. What a shame. No view of Ambre. I guess we'll just have to wait for next weeks RoL for her guest spot.
So who's the production company behind RoL?? Is it Michaels Entertainment?? He could be making serious bank pulling this off.
So that is the burn-through on Bret's THS. No wife editing, no deep thoughts, just a rant as I watch.
Till Sunday, rock on. Time for some hoops.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
What episode is it again???
Aw hell, it has been a few weeks since we last saw one another, and I have to say that we missed you dearly. Of course, a weekend bender playing golf with the boyeez and another weekend in the 70's with no plans really took our attention from Bret. It is Tuesday, part of the week is gone, and time to get back in the groove.
While I wait for the end of Dante's Peak so I can press play, I'll take this time for a little pontificating. I am shocked at the level of trash that they have found for this season of the show. The first season seemed so innocent and cute, but there were a few bitches, original personalities, and our initiation to Bret's inner struggle between the good girl and bad girl (read stripper). Ultimately, the good girl was chosen, then the abomination that is his life took over and they never spent any time together after the show. Season two gives us more of the same, but takes us to a new level of nasty, dirty, tattood, skanky, botox-injected, saline maxxed-out hooker in Daisy. But we also found an equal to Bret in Ambre. Equal in age and self-assuredness. She is what appears to be the only professionally successful contestant.
This year we just have a bunch of nasty chicks with very little going for them. Sure, there's a Penthouse Pet, but that's about it. While I'll never consider season one girls dreamboats, we are clearly scraping the bottom of the barrel. We've got three strippers, one Pet, a GoGo dancer, a mother of three, and whatever Mindy is. Bret says that this the last season. Thank God 'cus I dont' think that they can get any lower in their contestants and the skanky drama.
But still we watch, and I blog. Press play now.
This is a good competition, even though it conjures some bullshit about Bret and his relationship with his kids and incorporates giving back to the armed forces. Sweet, they are taking care of the kids in bikinis by the pool. [later edit: after the THS, looks like the Iraq interest is genuine. My bad.]
Shocker, Brittanya has a kid, but kids "get on my nerves". Taya has one too, shocking. Farrah could feed an army of mutant mites, but she is bloated in that bikini. Who's flippin her a sawbuck for a lap dance? Who's' legs are that strong???
Getting a little girl to paint your nude tats. Christ, that girl is the queen of trash. [later edit: just found out that the tat is of her. Nude. Should I be shocked??]
Another shocker, Ashley has a kid too. That is seven women and at least four have kids. What ever happened to the scarlet letter? I mean, we can't all have the nuclear family, but these numbers are prepsterous.
Good move by Taya for courting the kids. Will it work out??? Who is the best??
Oh, from the mouths of babes, about Bret's babes.
Oh, and Ashley's naked tat is of herself. Too rich.
Beverly is just just out of control. She doesn't handle losing well. Oh, she's gettin plowed - have another pint of Grey Goose. Who's gonna be holding her hair back when she's riding the ceramic throne? Not handling her liquor well, or at all. You gotta believe that this is her ticket home.
Anyone notice that Big John is completely in his element on the road? He was cool and shit at the house, but this is where he thrives.
Oh, dagger eyes from Beverly. Getting psycho... And she's wearing cammo. Guys dig the cammo. Going through the levels of drunkeness. Self loathing is stage seven.n Next mood swing in only three minutes (need time for another shot first - please hold).
Yep, I'm missing the McLaughlin Hour for this.
Ah, bitches by the fire. For a guy who is totally washed up, he's having a great time. Not a shabby gig, if you can find it.
Back to the drama that is Bev. Bev on the wagon. Brittanya is taking command. She's got nothing between the ears and it is all still working for her.
Props to Taya and Mindy for finding each other in this myriad of disaster. Mebbe Bret isn't the only one that finds true love on the road. Yum.
Oh, strong move by Jamie. She's been a fly on the wall for weeks with nothing to show for it, but she waited her turn and slid right in when the window opened. Those bitches must have been pretty hammered to run off like that and leave one girl alone with Bret. What statergery.
Great, it is getting bad. Salsa in someone's suitcase. Mmmm, crossing a line, perhaps, but pass the chips (waste not, want not). The best part is that Brittanya is nothing but a follower. She's catching on with the strippers without the game.
Ashley on a date with Bret. And Farrah has to suffer the fools in the room. "Lame"
Oh, nothing says romance like skull vases at the dinner table.
Allie has thrown down that Ashley is Laci, Heather, and Daisy all in one. I believe that we've found one of our finalists. Unless she blows it, she's got the golden ring. And then she blows it by taking up for Farrah. Who gives a crap about Farrah?? What the hell are you here for?? 'Cus there are plenty of stripper girlfriends you can make on the road. But, they do make out a lot. Hmmmm.
Bret is letting us know that he's disenchanted with Taya. How? I'm going on the record that either Taya or Mindy plays the good girl role in the finals. If they keep with the same formula, he's got good versus bad. Dead on that the producers are in his ear letting him know that he needs to keep one of them around.
DOH!!! The "friendship zone" with Farrah. S.W.A.K.O.D. Sealed with a kiss of death. What is really funny is that she may actually be a real person, but she's such a follower of Ashley that there's no chance that the real her will come out. I actually think that about most of the girls.
Bev lays it on the line. If she gets the boot, she had her chance, said her peace, and has to just take what comes knowing that she was honest to him and with herself. And, what she's saying is a fair and reasonable argument.
The Elimination
I wonder, how can he be suddenly soured on Taya when she was great with kids? Next to Mindy, Taya is the hottest one.
Allie just made a parallel. Freeze frame on the girls right after Ashley gets her pass. See Farrah on the right. Give her some leather gloves with her nails sticking out and a can of tear gas and she turns into Big Boob Beth, wife of Dog the Bounty Hunter. Yep, good eye, honey.
Bev seems shocked that Brittanya gets by. Fair 'nuff. And she stays! I'm a little shocked. Mortified is a good word, thank you Taya. Allie thinks she sucks. John thinks she brings nothing to the table other than her looks and the pierced dimples are just fucking stupid. Vapid describes it best.
So who is it? Is there a chance that he's gonna throw out the Pet of the Year??? Really??? There are six women he'd choose over a Pet of the Year?
Nope!! See-ya, Farrah. There are a hundred strippers in Vegas hotter than you.
PS: Catch the "E! True Hollywood Story: Bret Michaels" on Wednesday, March 11, at 8pm on E!
While I wait for the end of Dante's Peak so I can press play, I'll take this time for a little pontificating. I am shocked at the level of trash that they have found for this season of the show. The first season seemed so innocent and cute, but there were a few bitches, original personalities, and our initiation to Bret's inner struggle between the good girl and bad girl (read stripper). Ultimately, the good girl was chosen, then the abomination that is his life took over and they never spent any time together after the show. Season two gives us more of the same, but takes us to a new level of nasty, dirty, tattood, skanky, botox-injected, saline maxxed-out hooker in Daisy. But we also found an equal to Bret in Ambre. Equal in age and self-assuredness. She is what appears to be the only professionally successful contestant.
This year we just have a bunch of nasty chicks with very little going for them. Sure, there's a Penthouse Pet, but that's about it. While I'll never consider season one girls dreamboats, we are clearly scraping the bottom of the barrel. We've got three strippers, one Pet, a GoGo dancer, a mother of three, and whatever Mindy is. Bret says that this the last season. Thank God 'cus I dont' think that they can get any lower in their contestants and the skanky drama.
But still we watch, and I blog. Press play now.
This is a good competition, even though it conjures some bullshit about Bret and his relationship with his kids and incorporates giving back to the armed forces. Sweet, they are taking care of the kids in bikinis by the pool. [later edit: after the THS, looks like the Iraq interest is genuine. My bad.]
Shocker, Brittanya has a kid, but kids "get on my nerves". Taya has one too, shocking. Farrah could feed an army of mutant mites, but she is bloated in that bikini. Who's flippin her a sawbuck for a lap dance? Who's' legs are that strong???
Getting a little girl to paint your nude tats. Christ, that girl is the queen of trash. [later edit: just found out that the tat is of her. Nude. Should I be shocked??]
Another shocker, Ashley has a kid too. That is seven women and at least four have kids. What ever happened to the scarlet letter? I mean, we can't all have the nuclear family, but these numbers are prepsterous.
Good move by Taya for courting the kids. Will it work out??? Who is the best??
Oh, from the mouths of babes, about Bret's babes.
Oh, and Ashley's naked tat is of herself. Too rich.
Beverly is just just out of control. She doesn't handle losing well. Oh, she's gettin plowed - have another pint of Grey Goose. Who's gonna be holding her hair back when she's riding the ceramic throne? Not handling her liquor well, or at all. You gotta believe that this is her ticket home.
Anyone notice that Big John is completely in his element on the road? He was cool and shit at the house, but this is where he thrives.
Oh, dagger eyes from Beverly. Getting psycho... And she's wearing cammo. Guys dig the cammo. Going through the levels of drunkeness. Self loathing is stage seven.n Next mood swing in only three minutes (need time for another shot first - please hold).
Yep, I'm missing the McLaughlin Hour for this.
Ah, bitches by the fire. For a guy who is totally washed up, he's having a great time. Not a shabby gig, if you can find it.
Back to the drama that is Bev. Bev on the wagon. Brittanya is taking command. She's got nothing between the ears and it is all still working for her.
Props to Taya and Mindy for finding each other in this myriad of disaster. Mebbe Bret isn't the only one that finds true love on the road. Yum.
Oh, strong move by Jamie. She's been a fly on the wall for weeks with nothing to show for it, but she waited her turn and slid right in when the window opened. Those bitches must have been pretty hammered to run off like that and leave one girl alone with Bret. What statergery.
Great, it is getting bad. Salsa in someone's suitcase. Mmmm, crossing a line, perhaps, but pass the chips (waste not, want not). The best part is that Brittanya is nothing but a follower. She's catching on with the strippers without the game.
Ashley on a date with Bret. And Farrah has to suffer the fools in the room. "Lame"
Oh, nothing says romance like skull vases at the dinner table.
Allie has thrown down that Ashley is Laci, Heather, and Daisy all in one. I believe that we've found one of our finalists. Unless she blows it, she's got the golden ring. And then she blows it by taking up for Farrah. Who gives a crap about Farrah?? What the hell are you here for?? 'Cus there are plenty of stripper girlfriends you can make on the road. But, they do make out a lot. Hmmmm.
Bret is letting us know that he's disenchanted with Taya. How? I'm going on the record that either Taya or Mindy plays the good girl role in the finals. If they keep with the same formula, he's got good versus bad. Dead on that the producers are in his ear letting him know that he needs to keep one of them around.
DOH!!! The "friendship zone" with Farrah. S.W.A.K.O.D. Sealed with a kiss of death. What is really funny is that she may actually be a real person, but she's such a follower of Ashley that there's no chance that the real her will come out. I actually think that about most of the girls.
Bev lays it on the line. If she gets the boot, she had her chance, said her peace, and has to just take what comes knowing that she was honest to him and with herself. And, what she's saying is a fair and reasonable argument.
The Elimination
I wonder, how can he be suddenly soured on Taya when she was great with kids? Next to Mindy, Taya is the hottest one.
Allie just made a parallel. Freeze frame on the girls right after Ashley gets her pass. See Farrah on the right. Give her some leather gloves with her nails sticking out and a can of tear gas and she turns into Big Boob Beth, wife of Dog the Bounty Hunter. Yep, good eye, honey.
Bev seems shocked that Brittanya gets by. Fair 'nuff. And she stays! I'm a little shocked. Mortified is a good word, thank you Taya. Allie thinks she sucks. John thinks she brings nothing to the table other than her looks and the pierced dimples are just fucking stupid. Vapid describes it best.
So who is it? Is there a chance that he's gonna throw out the Pet of the Year??? Really??? There are six women he'd choose over a Pet of the Year?
Nope!! See-ya, Farrah. There are a hundred strippers in Vegas hotter than you.
PS: Catch the "E! True Hollywood Story: Bret Michaels" on Wednesday, March 11, at 8pm on E!
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Episode Seven
Whew, after a much needed break, we're back. Yep, Bret and the girls took last week off and it gave us all time for reflection. At some point we really do need to ask ourselves what the hell we're doing watching this show. Or, what the hell WE are doing watching and writing about this dribble. Isn't there some good Tolstoy lying around somewhere????
On with the show.
Ashley is just full of bile. What an angry woman. I don't think that I've seen such an angry woman. At least not since Hugh Grant found cheated on Liz Hurley with Devine Brown.
Going to Alabama. Excellent. Mebbe we're gonna learn to stew up some possum for good eats.
Truck shop games. Finally, an original idea for season three. We've retreaded for six full episodes up till now. Let's git it on!!!
BAM. And it comes out. Taya looks down on Ashley and Farrah because they are strippers. Yep, we nailed it a few weeks ago when we called them out as being dancers. Really, what else could these two be good for. The dichotomy of Bret keeping strippers around after all the shit-talking he's done about them the last two years (Heather, Brandi B, Daisy). He lets them get close, just not to the holy grail.
Beer belly flop. Excellent. And little Kelsey from Utah goes for the no-bra flop. Now that's thinking outside the box. Or maybe with her box. And Ashley again just brutal with the venom toward Beverly, her teammate. At this point, Ashley defines a "hater".
The go-go dancer sucked at the pole dance. Cami's a stripper too??????? Whoah. Nice move.
So Farrah goes for the whole "reverse psychology" and wants Taya to dance with the pole. Yep, let her embarrass herself in front of everyone. That Farrah, she's a thinker alright. Taya has got skills with the pole. Must be jacked up from winning the Pet of the Year award. Or maybe they practice pole dancing in between shoots at the Ranch.
Farrah and Kelsey figuring it out like "Scooby and Shaggy, solving a mystery." Oh, that's rich. Nothing like an obscenely-breasted stripper comparing herself to a couple of cartoon boobs.
Loving the way that Farrah pulls her shirt down trying to influence the judges. She's letting us know that she's real "creative". Creativity is spelled b-o-o-b-s.
Kelsey wants to thank her girls. Which girls? Teammates or 'the girls'?
Now we're in Alabama.
Bret visits the hotel room to chat it up with the ladies. What's going on with the chick with pierced dimples? Did they take markers to her chest? What up with that? Idle minds and hands ...
Aw, Bret is spending some quality time with the Blue Team. Ashley takes command. Beverly gets sloppy with no idea what's going on.
Kami has issue with other girls throwing themselves at him. How does she not know this is going on? Does she live in a cave? Is she not familiar with the casting couch? Rock groupies? Whores in general?? And Bret is rather unsympathetic. One more gone. This may be the best self-selection in three seasons. She made the decision and didn't get all wishy-washy like CJ and some of the others.
And Kelsey starts to show her true colors. Getting a little bitchy.
Damn, they get their own Wally World adventure. All by their lonesome.
This is the episode of quotes. First, we had Farrah as "Scooby and Shaggy". Next we've got her saying "I don't want to speak badly about anyone, but I think Taya is kinda fake." Does that parallel with the Southern tradition of, "_______, bless her soul . . ." Well, we are in 'Bama after all. The cat-claws are coming out strong.
See, now Kelsey shows a sweeter side. Oh, and Farrah chimes in again with "she looks like she's kissing her dad." Man, that girl is on a role. If this gig doesn't work out and the stripping thing gets old, she's a ringer for the opening act in Vegas.
Oh, and it gets ugly on the bus. Tag team on Taya.
Who are these people getting this crazy for Bret?
Man, Farrah and Kelsey are slammed. Big John lays down the law. They are shit-tay. And the quote of the year, "I specifically asked you not be slutty." Kelsey just loses it. A total meltdown. Holy crap. Laying on the speed bump crying, with cigarette in her hand. Awesome.
And here comes Big John, enforcer, coach, inspirational leader. He's greater than Ghandi.
Elimination.
The stage seems a little bare. These three are worse off than the girl from the first episode. OK, if you record this, just freeze it right before Bret walks in. In recap from left to right. Mindy's looking cute, ready to see her man. Plus, she's at home in the South. Brooklyn is composed, stickin the plan. Taya is her usual narcessistic self. Farrah, with her hand on her hip, leg sticking out, trying not to too drunk. Kinda like the first time when you come home drunk in high school. Kelsey is just glassey-eyed. Ashley, barely standing. Brittanya looks pissed with her hands on her hips, etc. Even her tits look pissed. No one likes an angry boob. And Beverly is a bit miffed as well. The bet is that Bev's picked up a few lbs. on the road. That lifestyle can really pack on the pounds.
Ashley picks up the best quote. "I puked like, a lot." Smooth.
Kelsey says she's ready to face the music. And the music slams her in the face. In front of one and all he gives her the boot. And Ashley asides to Farrah, "I don't think she has any of my clothes so it is OK." She does not quit. As drunk as she is, it just keeps spewing out of her. Someone must have killed her puppy as a child.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Episode Six
Now we're talking. Finally Bret gets some ass and we're getting into the swing of things. I think most of us could have picked that it'd be Ashley who'd break the seal.
I love that he's hanging out with the new chicks and having a great time with the new girls. Nice spin on the fact that he can't remember their names so he steals a page from Flava-flav and names them by the town they're from. Nice.
Opening:
Going to Nashville. This could be good. Mebbe we won't go to another strip club this episode.
What's up with the 'et' letters on the back of one girl's leg? Did she write his name on her ass? That's always a way to a man't heart. Pause while Allie goes to write my name on her ass.
Check out Big John. Looking respectable. We haven't seen much of him, but now he's sporting a new 'do and a baseball hat instead of a do-rag. Good to see him breaking out of his shell.
MUD BOWL!!!!!
While a lot of the repeat items on this show are tired, this gives your money worth.
Holy crap. Farrah and Ashley could be men. Splitting it up by bus. This is perfect. Working out agressions against one another. Now I'll admit that Ashley can occasionally show some wit with her nastiness, but Farrah is just one angry girl with no game. She tries to be Ashley, but not enough cells upstairs to make a memorable comment.
Wow, this year they are even wearing mouthpieces. The first play has a clothesline tackle. These are some angry bitches and bruises are the course of the day.
Mindy shows good anger. No mercy? No kidding. This is great. Taya's girls get in the way. A booberception. As Ashley says, it is the only times when your boobs DON'T help you score.
Ashley is going Bret (and the firemen) a favor and making it nekkid football.
Kami really doesn't appear to have a whole lot of game. Not much of a conversationalist.
Who's the one trying to tackle Bret? I didn't know he's fair game. Good for him.
Who doesn't want to be one of those firemen?? This is a story that they'll be telling forever in the fire house.
This is too rich. Farrah comes up with a "If he'd been going off of hotness, we would have won." What in the world makes her think she's hot? $10K in vastly oversized funbags to cover the gut she's carrying around? There's some real loss of a sense of reality with some of these girls. I was thinking I'd use the word perspective, but these girls have no perspective. That's a leap that is soooo beyond the capacity of these girls - especially Farrah.
The Date With Mindy
She's home grown southern. That may even be a stronger accent than Rodeo.
That makes me think what's missing with this season. There are just no memorable, unique personalities. Season One gave us Laci, Rodeo, and Heather. We hardly even remember Jes, the girl that won (Allie had to correct me on her name, I called her Jen. That's how much she sticks out), but the other three left a pretty strong impresson. Season Two gave us "Face-time", Angelique the whacked-out French hooker/stripper, and the nasty Daisy. What will we remember from this season? We're six episodes in and there's really not much to hang our hat on. Ashley's a nasty, mean girl, but completely forgettable with not one original thing coming out of her head. And everyone else is just blah. Heck, but this time in Season One we already had a four-way in Bret's room. They really need to get to work here.
Back to the show. Just a bunch of whiney bitches. Man, I feel like I'm letting the blog down, but these folks really aren't giving us a whole lot of material. Well, except for Mindy and the corndog that could easily have come from Wilt Chamberlain, if you know what I mean.
The piped-in crowd noise is great. There looks to be 500 people there, but they make it seem like there are 10,000 cheering fans. Good work by the production crew.
"Leapord is my favorite cat." Yeah, I'm thinking it is a cat that starts with a P.
They are definitely making Nashville look pretty good.
Mindy can't even walk. She's got a noticeable limp. She totally plays these other girls and they think nothing went on. While I don't think that Mindy is a savvy player, this is a good move on her part to keep her lips sealed, well, at least once she got back to the hotel. Kelsey totally fell for it.
There's no way in my mind that Farrah and Ashley aren't strippers.
Date With the Winners
Real bummer for Bret. A guy he knew passed in Iraq. While I'm cynical about Bret since I find him pretty shallow, this is a tough part for him. And that kills the date for these girls. Too bad for them that they played so hard, but they get nothing on their date.
Brittanya is mute. I think I hear crickets. Nice. I think I called her vapid last week. I'm not sure that I'm off base there. For a girl with the tats and piercing, I'd expect more of an outgoing, self-confident personality, but there's nothing coming from her. But, this is the girl who pierced her dimples...
Touching moment between Bret and the girl lost her Dad and Bret. She does seem like she wants to be there tho...
Elimination
I'm thinking Brittanya is headed out. She's hot, but there's nothing coming out of her.
Ow. Mindy doesn't get the first tag and she's butt-hurt. But she get's number two. And she's 34!!???!!!!??? Who could tell that? Gotta say that I'm surprised. I figured almost all of them were in their early twenties.
Down to three. What's up with Jen's lopsided hair?
Does anyone else think that Kelsey is Brandi B from the the first season?
And he sends Jen home. Man, that's tough. But, probably a wise move - she's not in the right emotional headspace to deal with these crazy bi-otches.
OK, what is up with her hair? Long on the right, then long on the left. Make up your mind!!! UG - thank god this is the last season!!!
I love that he's hanging out with the new chicks and having a great time with the new girls. Nice spin on the fact that he can't remember their names so he steals a page from Flava-flav and names them by the town they're from. Nice.
Opening:
Going to Nashville. This could be good. Mebbe we won't go to another strip club this episode.
What's up with the 'et' letters on the back of one girl's leg? Did she write his name on her ass? That's always a way to a man't heart. Pause while Allie goes to write my name on her ass.
Check out Big John. Looking respectable. We haven't seen much of him, but now he's sporting a new 'do and a baseball hat instead of a do-rag. Good to see him breaking out of his shell.
MUD BOWL!!!!!
While a lot of the repeat items on this show are tired, this gives your money worth.
Holy crap. Farrah and Ashley could be men. Splitting it up by bus. This is perfect. Working out agressions against one another. Now I'll admit that Ashley can occasionally show some wit with her nastiness, but Farrah is just one angry girl with no game. She tries to be Ashley, but not enough cells upstairs to make a memorable comment.
Wow, this year they are even wearing mouthpieces. The first play has a clothesline tackle. These are some angry bitches and bruises are the course of the day.
Mindy shows good anger. No mercy? No kidding. This is great. Taya's girls get in the way. A booberception. As Ashley says, it is the only times when your boobs DON'T help you score.
Ashley is going Bret (and the firemen) a favor and making it nekkid football.
Kami really doesn't appear to have a whole lot of game. Not much of a conversationalist.
Who's the one trying to tackle Bret? I didn't know he's fair game. Good for him.
Who doesn't want to be one of those firemen?? This is a story that they'll be telling forever in the fire house.
This is too rich. Farrah comes up with a "If he'd been going off of hotness, we would have won." What in the world makes her think she's hot? $10K in vastly oversized funbags to cover the gut she's carrying around? There's some real loss of a sense of reality with some of these girls. I was thinking I'd use the word perspective, but these girls have no perspective. That's a leap that is soooo beyond the capacity of these girls - especially Farrah.
The Date With Mindy
She's home grown southern. That may even be a stronger accent than Rodeo.
That makes me think what's missing with this season. There are just no memorable, unique personalities. Season One gave us Laci, Rodeo, and Heather. We hardly even remember Jes, the girl that won (Allie had to correct me on her name, I called her Jen. That's how much she sticks out), but the other three left a pretty strong impresson. Season Two gave us "Face-time", Angelique the whacked-out French hooker/stripper, and the nasty Daisy. What will we remember from this season? We're six episodes in and there's really not much to hang our hat on. Ashley's a nasty, mean girl, but completely forgettable with not one original thing coming out of her head. And everyone else is just blah. Heck, but this time in Season One we already had a four-way in Bret's room. They really need to get to work here.
Back to the show. Just a bunch of whiney bitches. Man, I feel like I'm letting the blog down, but these folks really aren't giving us a whole lot of material. Well, except for Mindy and the corndog that could easily have come from Wilt Chamberlain, if you know what I mean.
The piped-in crowd noise is great. There looks to be 500 people there, but they make it seem like there are 10,000 cheering fans. Good work by the production crew.
"Leapord is my favorite cat." Yeah, I'm thinking it is a cat that starts with a P.
They are definitely making Nashville look pretty good.
Mindy can't even walk. She's got a noticeable limp. She totally plays these other girls and they think nothing went on. While I don't think that Mindy is a savvy player, this is a good move on her part to keep her lips sealed, well, at least once she got back to the hotel. Kelsey totally fell for it.
There's no way in my mind that Farrah and Ashley aren't strippers.
Date With the Winners
Real bummer for Bret. A guy he knew passed in Iraq. While I'm cynical about Bret since I find him pretty shallow, this is a tough part for him. And that kills the date for these girls. Too bad for them that they played so hard, but they get nothing on their date.
Brittanya is mute. I think I hear crickets. Nice. I think I called her vapid last week. I'm not sure that I'm off base there. For a girl with the tats and piercing, I'd expect more of an outgoing, self-confident personality, but there's nothing coming from her. But, this is the girl who pierced her dimples...
Touching moment between Bret and the girl lost her Dad and Bret. She does seem like she wants to be there tho...
Elimination
I'm thinking Brittanya is headed out. She's hot, but there's nothing coming out of her.
Ow. Mindy doesn't get the first tag and she's butt-hurt. But she get's number two. And she's 34!!???!!!!??? Who could tell that? Gotta say that I'm surprised. I figured almost all of them were in their early twenties.
Down to three. What's up with Jen's lopsided hair?
Does anyone else think that Kelsey is Brandi B from the the first season?
And he sends Jen home. Man, that's tough. But, probably a wise move - she's not in the right emotional headspace to deal with these crazy bi-otches.
OK, what is up with her hair? Long on the right, then long on the left. Make up your mind!!! UG - thank god this is the last season!!!
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Where's Obama for This Crisis???
As avid viewers of the Rock of Love Bus, we too have noticed that this years 'contestants' are reaching new levels. I believe these folks said it the best.
http://www.theonion.com/content/video/in_the_know_are_reality_shows
http://www.theonion.com/content/video/in_the_know_are_reality_shows
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Episode Five
This afternoon, before we started into our weekly little ditty, I had a thought about Marcia. You know, she really did it right. She was completely honest that she really doesn't have the hots for Bret, but she was the queen of the party scene. In the belief that "it is better to burn out, than to fade away," Marcia took that to heart. She's off somewhere right now burning out...
Oh, and another thing. Allie noted how there's no more 'touching good-byes' during elimination. No hugs, kisses, last minute grab-a-thons, nuthin. The girls just get the "your tour ends here, I gotta a bus to catch so just stand there feeling ashamed with the cameras on you while I walk away." Yep, life is hard on the road. Back at the house, he'd at least walk them to the door.
OK, on with the show. I wonder where we'll go this week. I've heard great things about Edna, OH.
Still in Chicago. Headed to St. Louis. Woooooo! None of them know where that is.
So, we're travelling. Man, Ashley is hard core. Can you imagine coming home to that each night. Leave one sock laying on the floor and she's gonna be all over your "sloppy" ass.
I swear, we're omnicient. Last episode we noted that Bret hasn't had as much hands-on luvin as in the past. Opening right up, he comes out with it. Yep, he hasn't had any "connections" on the tour. In other words, Bret needs to get his freak on and can't believe he hasn't shagged any of the posse as of yet.
Oh, another strip club. What a shock. I may have to turn in my 'man-badge' pretty soon 'cus this is getting old. Well, a twist, he found three chicks at the Greyhound station and wants to make them into hotties.
Natasha steps forward. "This will be a piece of cake. I know what I'm doing. I've been to cosmetology school." Thank God for that. Whew, what a relief to know that the bag ladies are in such experienced hands. Reminds Allie of Dumb and Dumber when he's running down the jetway screaming back at security, "it's OK, I'm a limo driver." If they wind up staying at a Holiday Inn Express, it is all over.
Yeah, it is a total put-on. Pretty sure the bag-ladies have some "experience".
Ashley's team is loaded. You've got Natasha, the cosmetologist, and Ashley who's main qualification in the area of makeovers is that she's "hot", if she does say so herself. Somehow I gots to believe that this won't be a What Not to Wear episode.
Anyone notice that Farrah is speaking a lot more? She's a clear little sister of Ashley.
He's pulled a twist with a three-way tie and dating all of the captains on a date. And he's gonna bring the new skanks onto the bus. Yeah, he's playing the numbers game. He didn't get any ass in the first four episodes so he needs to increase his odds. Good plan.
Finally, Bret comes to the realization that some of these girls "may just be here to party." Oh, and he comes clean that "he's a little hurt right now." New math: brutha ain't got no ass equals "feelings hurt." He's a bitch.
Brittanya thows down class warfare. Too hot to compete with this girls. Almost feel sorry for these new girls, they can't help it if Bret wanted them to stay.
Aw, Ashley starts crying. Give us strength. She's got a bruised ego, nothing but. Holy crap, did she really accuse Natasha of being a man?? Bret is "really attracted to" Ashley. Why not - it's a sure thing. I got $50 that says that she's a stripper. He's said time and time again that he has issues with that, but he's working to get some ass.
How did the new girls suddenly get luggage? Clothes?
You know, Ashley may have a point. Natasha does have a tu-tu on that could be covering the package...
The Date:
Mindy throws her hat in the ring. Gotta admit, she's hot and seems relatively sane. Not clowned-up like Ashley, Farrah, and several of the others. Could this be the good girl that makes it to the final two? I say it is between her and Taya for the good girl role. I'm thinking Beverly is now on the way out. I would say she's on the way down, but that could paint the wrong picture.
Man, Brittanya has a temper. What a whack-job. Her ritalin prescription must have run out in Indy.
Wait, Bret says that he and Natasha are brutally honest with each other. There's some build up. How does one subtly ask such a thing? Say it. SAY IT!!! "Are those beans and franks under that tutu or are you just happy to see me???"
Tick-tock-tick-tock
He chickens out. Couldn't he at least have searched for an Adams apple?
Back to the hotel:
Bret's getting to know the new girls. One has a daughter turning three. He's got a three and eight year old. Whoah, did we just have a Keanu Reeves moment? Isn't this the third season? Three year old? Checking the math, he started filming this stuff when his youngest either wasn't born yet, or at least less than one. Now that's staying power.
Bev decides to call him out in front of everyone. And he lays it out. Well, that soured the mood. Truth hurts, don't it BITCHES?!?!
Time for Bret to get some Ashley. Yeah, just what we figured. He could call almost any girl into his bus and a get it on. Just snap the fingers and it is on like Donkey-Kong. If the bus is rockin, don't come a-knockin.
Bev gets upset over this. Did she not see either of the first two seasons?? Is there a mystery here? The only mystery we were aware of was how long it took for the bus to start rocking this season!
Ashley's walk of shame. She and Farrah are clearly two birds of a feather.
Next morning:
Bret pulls the new girls out on a date. Yeah, this is sweet. He's playing the jealousy game to see who of the originals really gives a damn. Head games. Now we see the dastardly plan in it's entirety.
Date night at the bowling alley. Good move. This is real quality time. This will wind up the other hens in a HUGE way.
Pre-Elimination:
We're back for the requisite Bret work out scene. Didn't have any kick boxing practice or Thai Chi to make him appear all intellectual, worldly, and shit.
Brittanya walks in saying that she's shy and innocent. And she's walking in wearing nothing but a small piece of tin foil. Yep, that's shy and demure. There's nothing upstairs with this girl. And again, while we're at it, what's up with the pierced dimples? Her pierced cheeks look like the little silver candies you put on a gingerbread man. Ridiculous - Put the piercing gun down.
Elimination:
He keeps the new girls. Good way to stir the pot. Allie is pleased as she is already sick of the other girls.
He kept Beverly. I thought he may have booted her or she self-selects.
Down to three. Farrah is kept. Booo! In reality, she could tryly be a man - that would be irony considering her smack about Natasha. Did you see the legs on her? Like tree trunks. Squats 350-400 easy.
OOOOO, he drops the 'friend' line to Natasha. We all have had the "Friend" line dropped on us at some point in our lives...Kiss of death. Yep, she's gone. There'll be a strip search on the way out. No Willie Wonka underneath that skirt. He breaks with tradition and he gives her a hug. Bret does have a heart in season three. Except he walks her back to her position on the stage so they can film the last few minutes of humiliation. Sweet.
The close:
Bret, in his own words, wants everyone to know taht he didn't kick Natasha off 'cus he thinks she's a man. Just for posterity. But, one can't be too safe in this day and age........
Oh, and another thing. Allie noted how there's no more 'touching good-byes' during elimination. No hugs, kisses, last minute grab-a-thons, nuthin. The girls just get the "your tour ends here, I gotta a bus to catch so just stand there feeling ashamed with the cameras on you while I walk away." Yep, life is hard on the road. Back at the house, he'd at least walk them to the door.
OK, on with the show. I wonder where we'll go this week. I've heard great things about Edna, OH.
Still in Chicago. Headed to St. Louis. Woooooo! None of them know where that is.
So, we're travelling. Man, Ashley is hard core. Can you imagine coming home to that each night. Leave one sock laying on the floor and she's gonna be all over your "sloppy" ass.
I swear, we're omnicient. Last episode we noted that Bret hasn't had as much hands-on luvin as in the past. Opening right up, he comes out with it. Yep, he hasn't had any "connections" on the tour. In other words, Bret needs to get his freak on and can't believe he hasn't shagged any of the posse as of yet.
Oh, another strip club. What a shock. I may have to turn in my 'man-badge' pretty soon 'cus this is getting old. Well, a twist, he found three chicks at the Greyhound station and wants to make them into hotties.
Natasha steps forward. "This will be a piece of cake. I know what I'm doing. I've been to cosmetology school." Thank God for that. Whew, what a relief to know that the bag ladies are in such experienced hands. Reminds Allie of Dumb and Dumber when he's running down the jetway screaming back at security, "it's OK, I'm a limo driver." If they wind up staying at a Holiday Inn Express, it is all over.
Yeah, it is a total put-on. Pretty sure the bag-ladies have some "experience".
Ashley's team is loaded. You've got Natasha, the cosmetologist, and Ashley who's main qualification in the area of makeovers is that she's "hot", if she does say so herself. Somehow I gots to believe that this won't be a What Not to Wear episode.
Anyone notice that Farrah is speaking a lot more? She's a clear little sister of Ashley.
He's pulled a twist with a three-way tie and dating all of the captains on a date. And he's gonna bring the new skanks onto the bus. Yeah, he's playing the numbers game. He didn't get any ass in the first four episodes so he needs to increase his odds. Good plan.
Finally, Bret comes to the realization that some of these girls "may just be here to party." Oh, and he comes clean that "he's a little hurt right now." New math: brutha ain't got no ass equals "feelings hurt." He's a bitch.
Brittanya thows down class warfare. Too hot to compete with this girls. Almost feel sorry for these new girls, they can't help it if Bret wanted them to stay.
Aw, Ashley starts crying. Give us strength. She's got a bruised ego, nothing but. Holy crap, did she really accuse Natasha of being a man?? Bret is "really attracted to" Ashley. Why not - it's a sure thing. I got $50 that says that she's a stripper. He's said time and time again that he has issues with that, but he's working to get some ass.
How did the new girls suddenly get luggage? Clothes?
You know, Ashley may have a point. Natasha does have a tu-tu on that could be covering the package...
The Date:
Mindy throws her hat in the ring. Gotta admit, she's hot and seems relatively sane. Not clowned-up like Ashley, Farrah, and several of the others. Could this be the good girl that makes it to the final two? I say it is between her and Taya for the good girl role. I'm thinking Beverly is now on the way out. I would say she's on the way down, but that could paint the wrong picture.
Man, Brittanya has a temper. What a whack-job. Her ritalin prescription must have run out in Indy.
Wait, Bret says that he and Natasha are brutally honest with each other. There's some build up. How does one subtly ask such a thing? Say it. SAY IT!!! "Are those beans and franks under that tutu or are you just happy to see me???"
Tick-tock-tick-tock
He chickens out. Couldn't he at least have searched for an Adams apple?
Back to the hotel:
Bret's getting to know the new girls. One has a daughter turning three. He's got a three and eight year old. Whoah, did we just have a Keanu Reeves moment? Isn't this the third season? Three year old? Checking the math, he started filming this stuff when his youngest either wasn't born yet, or at least less than one. Now that's staying power.
Bev decides to call him out in front of everyone. And he lays it out. Well, that soured the mood. Truth hurts, don't it BITCHES?!?!
Time for Bret to get some Ashley. Yeah, just what we figured. He could call almost any girl into his bus and a get it on. Just snap the fingers and it is on like Donkey-Kong. If the bus is rockin, don't come a-knockin.
Bev gets upset over this. Did she not see either of the first two seasons?? Is there a mystery here? The only mystery we were aware of was how long it took for the bus to start rocking this season!
Ashley's walk of shame. She and Farrah are clearly two birds of a feather.
Next morning:
Bret pulls the new girls out on a date. Yeah, this is sweet. He's playing the jealousy game to see who of the originals really gives a damn. Head games. Now we see the dastardly plan in it's entirety.
Date night at the bowling alley. Good move. This is real quality time. This will wind up the other hens in a HUGE way.
Pre-Elimination:
We're back for the requisite Bret work out scene. Didn't have any kick boxing practice or Thai Chi to make him appear all intellectual, worldly, and shit.
Brittanya walks in saying that she's shy and innocent. And she's walking in wearing nothing but a small piece of tin foil. Yep, that's shy and demure. There's nothing upstairs with this girl. And again, while we're at it, what's up with the pierced dimples? Her pierced cheeks look like the little silver candies you put on a gingerbread man. Ridiculous - Put the piercing gun down.
Elimination:
He keeps the new girls. Good way to stir the pot. Allie is pleased as she is already sick of the other girls.
He kept Beverly. I thought he may have booted her or she self-selects.
Down to three. Farrah is kept. Booo! In reality, she could tryly be a man - that would be irony considering her smack about Natasha. Did you see the legs on her? Like tree trunks. Squats 350-400 easy.
OOOOO, he drops the 'friend' line to Natasha. We all have had the "Friend" line dropped on us at some point in our lives...Kiss of death. Yep, she's gone. There'll be a strip search on the way out. No Willie Wonka underneath that skirt. He breaks with tradition and he gives her a hug. Bret does have a heart in season three. Except he walks her back to her position on the stage so they can film the last few minutes of humiliation. Sweet.
The close:
Bret, in his own words, wants everyone to know taht he didn't kick Natasha off 'cus he thinks she's a man. Just for posterity. But, one can't be too safe in this day and age........
Monday, January 26, 2009
Episode Four - Strike the Stage
Episode Four
Now we're getting to the meat of the schedule. Heck we might even get to know some of the names of this season's nasty young ladies. I do wonder some times where the drama is going to come from now that Brittaney is gone. We've got some angry women this season, I do wonder if this episode is the spark that ignites the fire.
The preview makes us think that there's Beverly Drama.
Is that Bret singing in the beginning during the opening credits? Oh, that's terrible. You couldn't pay me to go to one of his concerts.
Snap, Maria is gone. Maria the model is gone. "A medical condition". Damn, she is hot and could have been a real contender. Cryin' shame.
They are headed to Chicago. Finally going to a town of more than 35,000 folks. No more Paduka, KY. Going to the second city.
Marcia is not only a party girl, she's a bruised party girl. Check out the hip-pointer as she moons the other van.
The girls are looking especially nasty as they walk to the stage. Oh, and I love how Bret is strumming the guitar with Joey and Big John on stage as the girls come in. As if the guys were having some quality 'guy time' talking about the fate of the universe and whether there will be peace in the Middle East in our lifetime.
Allie asks a good question. Do they give these outfits to the girls or do they bring their own. There is a similarity to the sluttiness of the girls' outfits.
We're down to nine girls. I'm starting to hedge my bets and thinking the penthouse pet could be in the running. A sleeper, if you will. We just froze the frame on the girls while they stand there. The Penthouse chick is tiny. Much smaller than all of the others by it looks like 5 inches - well, the way John measures five inches. I think her name is Tia. Oh, Taya.
Joe, the stage manager, stresses safety. The girls have on slutty "underwear", at best. But they'll be safe since they get boots. Yep, boots, that'll help.
This competition is bad news. Taya drops off the stage bigtime. OUCH! Stop showing the footage! Eek. To her credit, yeah, she shows Bret her determination. She's in pain maybe with a broken leg and there's two guys watching her work. Where's their beer?
Marcia is huge. She may be an Amazon. Sure, she's the South American and all so it is an easy correlation. Did anyone notice that they keep blurring her chest? She's wearing 'clothes', but it must be made of cellophane.
All the drama was with the losers. Mindy's bitching, Taya's crying. Sour grapes all the way around.
VIP SuiteGifts from Bret. Skanky dresses and crappy jewelry. They have set the bar so low with these girls yet they are still impressed.
Farah hates being with the losers and now she's alone with bitchy and the crier. Ginormous boobs is not happy. Oh, that's too rich. The whiney twins and Farah are in general admission.
There's more covering up of the girls on stage. These babes are falling out all over the place. Remember the good old days when there was a little scantily clad outfits and occasional nudity? These ladies are just looking to get nekkid whenever they can. Brittanya is just falling out all the time.
Oh, let's meet the band. Hanging with the boys. Beverly makin time with the drummer with the mohawk. And Ashley, the big blonde, has an issue with this? Who is she, the social conscience of the group? Whew, thank goodness, and her tit with 'James' tattood she's the perfect one to judge fidelity.
So all the more sweet when the "Social Conscience" starts pukin on the bus. "I'll puke on your Mom". Yep, that's the girl for Bret. He needs to take her home so she can puke on good 'ol Mom. Hey, it is the life of a rock star, or so we're told.
The next morningAshley comes clean that they weren't making out, just a kiss, but later, I don't feel that was her story. Yeah, she's less psycho than Laci, but just as two-faced. And, at least Laci was entertaining - this girl is just a bitch.
Allie thinks Marcia has a problem. Yes, English as a second language is her first problem. The old Te-Kill-Ya might be #2.
On the roof:
It is a tear down on Mindy. Yep, she's busted as little Miss Poopy Pants at the concert. She may have totally blown it.
Doh, and from left field Ashley throws Marcia under the bus on the lunch date. Hell, both busses. Yeah, she's an evil woman. But, Bret lets that slide with a "she's got a good heart." So, Ashley moves on to target #2 on her self professed "agenda".
Beverly is called out for kissing the drummer. Ashley can't wait to start the piling on. She'd be a good Survivor player. The lie of the day: Bret takes the high road and says to Bev, "it doesn't matter how drunk I get, if I came to your party, I wouldn't be making out with your friends." Oh, that's just a load of BS. He'd be banging your best friend, and her sister, Laci would be filming it and Circus Boobs would be doing the lighting. THEN, Bret would be getting pissed off if you didn't join them. There's no high road for Bret. He doesn't know that path.
Down to Elimination
Nine girls, do we even need to have someone gone since we lost Maria in this episode?
What is his plan? Has anyone noticed that we're four episodes in and he hasn't knocked boots with anyone that we can tell? Is he behind schedule? At first I was thinking because he hasn't spent any time with these girls alone, but then I don't think that would hold most of these girls back. It is a very different dynamic on the road versus the house from Season 1 &
2.
So we're down to three. And there's a curve ball. He's sending Big John away. I guess he doesn't want any witnesses for what's going to go down, mafia style.
At this point, I think he needs to boot Marcia. She brings nothing to the table aside from comic relief and a higher bar tab. Mindy blew it by being pissed and showing it at the concert, but that shouldn't be too bad. But, not Bev! She's getting the shaft if she's voted off. He checked with CiCi on Daisy, I'm sure this can all be cleared up with a quick chat to Mohawk Boy. Aw hell, what do I know??
All three on thin ice. Props to Marcia for coming clean that she doesn't know him. It isn't like he's Ricky Martin, you know.
He's pissed about giving the gift away. Oh, and she can't even get his name out. Chad? Bret? Sally? She's going out a winner. Holding her head high. Or her hair out of the toilet. Whatever - She partied harder than anyone else on the bus - we'll miss her Dorito-breath and body shots.
Now we're getting to the meat of the schedule. Heck we might even get to know some of the names of this season's nasty young ladies. I do wonder some times where the drama is going to come from now that Brittaney is gone. We've got some angry women this season, I do wonder if this episode is the spark that ignites the fire.
The preview makes us think that there's Beverly Drama.
Is that Bret singing in the beginning during the opening credits? Oh, that's terrible. You couldn't pay me to go to one of his concerts.
Snap, Maria is gone. Maria the model is gone. "A medical condition". Damn, she is hot and could have been a real contender. Cryin' shame.
They are headed to Chicago. Finally going to a town of more than 35,000 folks. No more Paduka, KY. Going to the second city.
Marcia is not only a party girl, she's a bruised party girl. Check out the hip-pointer as she moons the other van.
The girls are looking especially nasty as they walk to the stage. Oh, and I love how Bret is strumming the guitar with Joey and Big John on stage as the girls come in. As if the guys were having some quality 'guy time' talking about the fate of the universe and whether there will be peace in the Middle East in our lifetime.
Allie asks a good question. Do they give these outfits to the girls or do they bring their own. There is a similarity to the sluttiness of the girls' outfits.
We're down to nine girls. I'm starting to hedge my bets and thinking the penthouse pet could be in the running. A sleeper, if you will. We just froze the frame on the girls while they stand there. The Penthouse chick is tiny. Much smaller than all of the others by it looks like 5 inches - well, the way John measures five inches. I think her name is Tia. Oh, Taya.
Joe, the stage manager, stresses safety. The girls have on slutty "underwear", at best. But they'll be safe since they get boots. Yep, boots, that'll help.
This competition is bad news. Taya drops off the stage bigtime. OUCH! Stop showing the footage! Eek. To her credit, yeah, she shows Bret her determination. She's in pain maybe with a broken leg and there's two guys watching her work. Where's their beer?
Marcia is huge. She may be an Amazon. Sure, she's the South American and all so it is an easy correlation. Did anyone notice that they keep blurring her chest? She's wearing 'clothes', but it must be made of cellophane.
All the drama was with the losers. Mindy's bitching, Taya's crying. Sour grapes all the way around.
VIP SuiteGifts from Bret. Skanky dresses and crappy jewelry. They have set the bar so low with these girls yet they are still impressed.
Farah hates being with the losers and now she's alone with bitchy and the crier. Ginormous boobs is not happy. Oh, that's too rich. The whiney twins and Farah are in general admission.
There's more covering up of the girls on stage. These babes are falling out all over the place. Remember the good old days when there was a little scantily clad outfits and occasional nudity? These ladies are just looking to get nekkid whenever they can. Brittanya is just falling out all the time.
Oh, let's meet the band. Hanging with the boys. Beverly makin time with the drummer with the mohawk. And Ashley, the big blonde, has an issue with this? Who is she, the social conscience of the group? Whew, thank goodness, and her tit with 'James' tattood she's the perfect one to judge fidelity.
So all the more sweet when the "Social Conscience" starts pukin on the bus. "I'll puke on your Mom". Yep, that's the girl for Bret. He needs to take her home so she can puke on good 'ol Mom. Hey, it is the life of a rock star, or so we're told.
The next morningAshley comes clean that they weren't making out, just a kiss, but later, I don't feel that was her story. Yeah, she's less psycho than Laci, but just as two-faced. And, at least Laci was entertaining - this girl is just a bitch.
Allie thinks Marcia has a problem. Yes, English as a second language is her first problem. The old Te-Kill-Ya might be #2.
On the roof:
It is a tear down on Mindy. Yep, she's busted as little Miss Poopy Pants at the concert. She may have totally blown it.
Doh, and from left field Ashley throws Marcia under the bus on the lunch date. Hell, both busses. Yeah, she's an evil woman. But, Bret lets that slide with a "she's got a good heart." So, Ashley moves on to target #2 on her self professed "agenda".
Beverly is called out for kissing the drummer. Ashley can't wait to start the piling on. She'd be a good Survivor player. The lie of the day: Bret takes the high road and says to Bev, "it doesn't matter how drunk I get, if I came to your party, I wouldn't be making out with your friends." Oh, that's just a load of BS. He'd be banging your best friend, and her sister, Laci would be filming it and Circus Boobs would be doing the lighting. THEN, Bret would be getting pissed off if you didn't join them. There's no high road for Bret. He doesn't know that path.
Down to Elimination
Nine girls, do we even need to have someone gone since we lost Maria in this episode?
What is his plan? Has anyone noticed that we're four episodes in and he hasn't knocked boots with anyone that we can tell? Is he behind schedule? At first I was thinking because he hasn't spent any time with these girls alone, but then I don't think that would hold most of these girls back. It is a very different dynamic on the road versus the house from Season 1 &
2.
So we're down to three. And there's a curve ball. He's sending Big John away. I guess he doesn't want any witnesses for what's going to go down, mafia style.
At this point, I think he needs to boot Marcia. She brings nothing to the table aside from comic relief and a higher bar tab. Mindy blew it by being pissed and showing it at the concert, but that shouldn't be too bad. But, not Bev! She's getting the shaft if she's voted off. He checked with CiCi on Daisy, I'm sure this can all be cleared up with a quick chat to Mohawk Boy. Aw hell, what do I know??
All three on thin ice. Props to Marcia for coming clean that she doesn't know him. It isn't like he's Ricky Martin, you know.
He's pissed about giving the gift away. Oh, and she can't even get his name out. Chad? Bret? Sally? She's going out a winner. Holding her head high. Or her hair out of the toilet. Whatever - She partied harder than anyone else on the bus - we'll miss her Dorito-breath and body shots.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Episode Three - Goin to Illinois, uh,uh,uh
Episode Three
And we're back. So the promos for this week center around the hockey game. This is a retread event from previous seasons and to demonstrate the retreaded-ness they brought back the ultimate retread - Laci. This chick is a joke. Daddy's little girl, goin through all of the rebellion stuff with the nose piercing, hair dying, and trying to sing in a rock band. A bad, metal
band.
So with those thoughts, on with the show. I'm predicting tears within the first seventeen minutes.
Makin it in Indiana.
We get an intro to Maya. Haven't heard from her yet.And Ashley sets the tone for 'king bitch' this season.
Holy crap, they are headed to Champaign, Illinois. Yeah, you are making it when you are headed there. This makes me think that the Cheboygen trip is a reality.
Man, Laci is lookin ROUGH. Time is not her friend. Neither is smack.
How surprising that Brittaney "could have been an Olympic hopeful if she didn't have to quit". Quit to do what??? But, with tears in her eyes, she"s happy with the way that everything turned out. I'm starting to think that her whole world is some sort of fantasy. She can skate backwards, something I could never accomplish, but then she's done plenty else that I haven't
done either...
This could be painful. I'll be shocked if there are no broken bones. If you put white-bread out there, I'm begging for wrist braces. My money is on the pink team.
Laci decapitates Baby Bret. Too sweet. That girl is going to make some man miserable for the rest of his life.
Anyone know where Mindy's from? She's got one heck of a drawl.
Natasha is laid out. This harkens back to Dallas from a couple of seasons ago getting abused on the motorcross. Oh, this looks serious. Medic!
We stopped it at the fifteen minute mark to take stock. There's Marcia talking about how rough it is out there. Take a look at her right arm. She's pretty bruised. Of course tequila might have something to do with that. Personal experience tells us that tequila makes you bump into things.
Black team out there and all four of them down on the ice at once.
Farrah speaks!!! I think this is the first time we've heard from her. Oh, and as an aside, Circus-boobs Erin from the first season has nothing on lung capacity compared to some of these girls. Farrah and Ashley aren't far behind.
Beverly pulls a fast one and makes everyone think she can't skate. There's some moxi in that girl. Majot points for good, clean, underhandedness on her part. We Love her. That was a good job.
You can pop an implant? Melissa thinking she popped one. Ashley busts on her saying that if she can pop an implant playing Baby Bret hockey, her boob job must have come from Tijuana. Oh, that's good - the laugh out loud moment of this episode. As side note, I was once in the desert of Needles, CA at a sketchy bar called the Red Dog and the bartender was talking about
her boob job from TJ. Seems as though you can get them done for half the cost of work done in the US. So she and her mother both had them done for $5K. And did anyone notice the scar Melissa's lip? We may have to start calling her 'the Joker'.
Damn, no tears and we're at the 25 minute mark.
But we got psycho-Brittaney on the date so you know something bad will happen. Out of the blue I notice that the tit-tat on Ashley says 'James'. No really, that's going a lot too far. First, you defile a breast, a cardinal sin in the first place, but then you do it with some guy's name and then show it on TV while chasing after another guy?? Just what every guy wants to see is some other guys name when they look up from motorboating those puppies. Not a strong decision maker that one.
The Date
Oh these are evil women. Going through Brittaney's stuff. She kept the stinky socks. That is freaking crazy. She's got this homeless-bag lady thing going. Or she's a hoarder. I'm thinking that porn thing didn't pay the bills all that well and she'd got to scrimp and save where she can. Got to save the fries and ketchup.
Oh damn, they are in Peoria at Big Al's. I've been there. I swear, just for work. Back in the early 90's that was THE place everyone had to go to when you visited Peoria. I remember callin my buddy Matty-Matt from there just to let him know I'd made it. Then I hand over the phone to the female bartender and he's asking "what are you wearing?" Smooth operator that
man.
Allie just noticed that Big John hasn't spent much time on screen. He has got to be over this whole thing by now.
One of the girls is 'going to show Bret the real me'. Yeah, acting like a stripper on stage is always a prescription to get to know someone. Beverly is a classy girl, but she may be digging herself a hole.
Anyone notice that Farrah got a lot of air time today? I wonder if she's gettin tossed at the end of the date and this was her day to shine.
OK! Finally, we get the tears from Brittaney at 34 minutes. I was way off. Nice to know that she taught other girls of porn how to save for retirement. Yep, I'll buy that. She's got Certified Financial Planner written all over her. Most Olympic skating hopefuls quit the game, do porn, then a CFP. Makes sense to me. Of course, if it was Katarina Witt...
Uh oh, Bret is having a heart to heart with Bev. Oh snap, she's got three kids at home. Oh, that's a little bit of a surprise. Yeah, he's retarded. He says "be who you are.". That's what she is doing, I think. But three kids...
The return from the date
Brittaney is whacked. OK, she did ask the rink folk if she could have the socks, so it wasn't technically stealing. However, asking for them is just bizarre, so we think that is still fair game to give her shit about it.
Who is calling home? The teasers before the commercials are killing us. It is Melissa. That's a shock. She nearly lost boob for this, but then calls home. Yeah, she's a goner. Maybe when she goes home she can get her roots done while she's at it.
Next morning
Bret's figured out that Brittaney is not just crazy in a fun rock-n-roll kind of way, but crazy-crazy, in a clinical kind of way. Yep, 'bout time. He was talking about the porn-star mystique. Isn't this the same guy who has issues with strippers? Every rose has its thorn and all that? Which reminds us, we haven't heard that song yet this season. I guess it is saved
for those more tender moments that come later.
Is Melissa lying through her teeth? Is she manic-depressive? Split personality? Watch out - Bret can roll the tape back just like they can in a convenience store robbery.
Elimination
Well, the promos show him getting pissed so you got to believe that Melissa is gone. Let's all hope that a Brittaney move is on track as well.
Finally, there's Big John. Bret may need his protection for a psycho Brittaney attack, if she's eliminated. Uh oh. Melissa self-selects. Bret makes a show kicking her out.
And we finally get to know some names. Beverly sticks around, but she could be too nice for him.
Let's all take a moment and say good-bye to Brittaney. This is going to get ugly. Someone get a mop. This could be bad. Gettaing dumped by Bret Michaels is one of the hardest things she's ever done in her life?!?!?!?!!? Really??? No, really?? You must be kidding. At least she has her socks to keep her warm. Oh, and did you all notice them weating those white, long socks?? What up with that??
And we're back. So the promos for this week center around the hockey game. This is a retread event from previous seasons and to demonstrate the retreaded-ness they brought back the ultimate retread - Laci. This chick is a joke. Daddy's little girl, goin through all of the rebellion stuff with the nose piercing, hair dying, and trying to sing in a rock band. A bad, metal
band.
So with those thoughts, on with the show. I'm predicting tears within the first seventeen minutes.
Makin it in Indiana.
We get an intro to Maya. Haven't heard from her yet.And Ashley sets the tone for 'king bitch' this season.
Holy crap, they are headed to Champaign, Illinois. Yeah, you are making it when you are headed there. This makes me think that the Cheboygen trip is a reality.
Man, Laci is lookin ROUGH. Time is not her friend. Neither is smack.
How surprising that Brittaney "could have been an Olympic hopeful if she didn't have to quit". Quit to do what??? But, with tears in her eyes, she"s happy with the way that everything turned out. I'm starting to think that her whole world is some sort of fantasy. She can skate backwards, something I could never accomplish, but then she's done plenty else that I haven't
done either...
This could be painful. I'll be shocked if there are no broken bones. If you put white-bread out there, I'm begging for wrist braces. My money is on the pink team.
Laci decapitates Baby Bret. Too sweet. That girl is going to make some man miserable for the rest of his life.
Anyone know where Mindy's from? She's got one heck of a drawl.
Natasha is laid out. This harkens back to Dallas from a couple of seasons ago getting abused on the motorcross. Oh, this looks serious. Medic!
We stopped it at the fifteen minute mark to take stock. There's Marcia talking about how rough it is out there. Take a look at her right arm. She's pretty bruised. Of course tequila might have something to do with that. Personal experience tells us that tequila makes you bump into things.
Black team out there and all four of them down on the ice at once.
Farrah speaks!!! I think this is the first time we've heard from her. Oh, and as an aside, Circus-boobs Erin from the first season has nothing on lung capacity compared to some of these girls. Farrah and Ashley aren't far behind.
Beverly pulls a fast one and makes everyone think she can't skate. There's some moxi in that girl. Majot points for good, clean, underhandedness on her part. We Love her. That was a good job.
You can pop an implant? Melissa thinking she popped one. Ashley busts on her saying that if she can pop an implant playing Baby Bret hockey, her boob job must have come from Tijuana. Oh, that's good - the laugh out loud moment of this episode. As side note, I was once in the desert of Needles, CA at a sketchy bar called the Red Dog and the bartender was talking about
her boob job from TJ. Seems as though you can get them done for half the cost of work done in the US. So she and her mother both had them done for $5K. And did anyone notice the scar Melissa's lip? We may have to start calling her 'the Joker'.
Damn, no tears and we're at the 25 minute mark.
But we got psycho-Brittaney on the date so you know something bad will happen. Out of the blue I notice that the tit-tat on Ashley says 'James'. No really, that's going a lot too far. First, you defile a breast, a cardinal sin in the first place, but then you do it with some guy's name and then show it on TV while chasing after another guy?? Just what every guy wants to see is some other guys name when they look up from motorboating those puppies. Not a strong decision maker that one.
The Date
Oh these are evil women. Going through Brittaney's stuff. She kept the stinky socks. That is freaking crazy. She's got this homeless-bag lady thing going. Or she's a hoarder. I'm thinking that porn thing didn't pay the bills all that well and she'd got to scrimp and save where she can. Got to save the fries and ketchup.
Oh damn, they are in Peoria at Big Al's. I've been there. I swear, just for work. Back in the early 90's that was THE place everyone had to go to when you visited Peoria. I remember callin my buddy Matty-Matt from there just to let him know I'd made it. Then I hand over the phone to the female bartender and he's asking "what are you wearing?" Smooth operator that
man.
Allie just noticed that Big John hasn't spent much time on screen. He has got to be over this whole thing by now.
One of the girls is 'going to show Bret the real me'. Yeah, acting like a stripper on stage is always a prescription to get to know someone. Beverly is a classy girl, but she may be digging herself a hole.
Anyone notice that Farrah got a lot of air time today? I wonder if she's gettin tossed at the end of the date and this was her day to shine.
OK! Finally, we get the tears from Brittaney at 34 minutes. I was way off. Nice to know that she taught other girls of porn how to save for retirement. Yep, I'll buy that. She's got Certified Financial Planner written all over her. Most Olympic skating hopefuls quit the game, do porn, then a CFP. Makes sense to me. Of course, if it was Katarina Witt...
Uh oh, Bret is having a heart to heart with Bev. Oh snap, she's got three kids at home. Oh, that's a little bit of a surprise. Yeah, he's retarded. He says "be who you are.". That's what she is doing, I think. But three kids...
The return from the date
Brittaney is whacked. OK, she did ask the rink folk if she could have the socks, so it wasn't technically stealing. However, asking for them is just bizarre, so we think that is still fair game to give her shit about it.
Who is calling home? The teasers before the commercials are killing us. It is Melissa. That's a shock. She nearly lost boob for this, but then calls home. Yeah, she's a goner. Maybe when she goes home she can get her roots done while she's at it.
Next morning
Bret's figured out that Brittaney is not just crazy in a fun rock-n-roll kind of way, but crazy-crazy, in a clinical kind of way. Yep, 'bout time. He was talking about the porn-star mystique. Isn't this the same guy who has issues with strippers? Every rose has its thorn and all that? Which reminds us, we haven't heard that song yet this season. I guess it is saved
for those more tender moments that come later.
Is Melissa lying through her teeth? Is she manic-depressive? Split personality? Watch out - Bret can roll the tape back just like they can in a convenience store robbery.
Elimination
Well, the promos show him getting pissed so you got to believe that Melissa is gone. Let's all hope that a Brittaney move is on track as well.
Finally, there's Big John. Bret may need his protection for a psycho Brittaney attack, if she's eliminated. Uh oh. Melissa self-selects. Bret makes a show kicking her out.
And we finally get to know some names. Beverly sticks around, but she could be too nice for him.
Let's all take a moment and say good-bye to Brittaney. This is going to get ugly. Someone get a mop. This could be bad. Gettaing dumped by Bret Michaels is one of the hardest things she's ever done in her life?!?!?!?!!? Really??? No, really?? You must be kidding. At least she has her socks to keep her warm. Oh, and did you all notice them weating those white, long socks?? What up with that??
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Midweek musings
So this week I'm listening to the radio and they are talking about the Dallas Cowboys, especially, Terrell Owens. (stick with me, I'll bring this around to RoLB). The radio guy is talking about what a high-maintenance player TO is and that he'll be nothing but a cancer in the locker room after he's been with a team for a year or so. That first year he's great, second not so much, and by the third, he's an outright distraction and hurts the team.
Radio-guy, Colin Cowherd, a Vegas guy if there's ever been one, puts it this way: You can't give high-maintenance players long-term contracts. You have to keep them on their toes so they'll behave since you always have the ability to dump them at the end of the year. He sums it up with this line "marry the good girl, date the stripper." He goes on to explain, "The stripper says 'I love you, baby', then two days later is taking a twenty in her thong from a long-haul trucker. She says she's 'saving money for nursing school'." Which brings us back to last week's thoughts about Bret and the good-girl /nasty-girl quandary he finds himself in.
With this in mind, this week, start looking at the girls and classifying them as Good or Nasty. The Good list got a lot shorter last week when three Goodies were tossed, but there are still one or two out there. And in what column do you put the Penthouse Pet and the retired model? Good or Nasty? Points to ponder as you watch this week.
Radio-guy, Colin Cowherd, a Vegas guy if there's ever been one, puts it this way: You can't give high-maintenance players long-term contracts. You have to keep them on their toes so they'll behave since you always have the ability to dump them at the end of the year. He sums it up with this line "marry the good girl, date the stripper." He goes on to explain, "The stripper says 'I love you, baby', then two days later is taking a twenty in her thong from a long-haul trucker. She says she's 'saving money for nursing school'." Which brings us back to last week's thoughts about Bret and the good-girl /nasty-girl quandary he finds himself in.
With this in mind, this week, start looking at the girls and classifying them as Good or Nasty. The Good list got a lot shorter last week when three Goodies were tossed, but there are still one or two out there. And in what column do you put the Penthouse Pet and the retired model? Good or Nasty? Points to ponder as you watch this week.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Episode Two
Episode Two:
OK, we've talked a lot this week about the quality of the contestants for this season. With the threat that Bretwill quit if he doesn't find a girl on this season I think they've pulled out all the skanks. Which got me to thinkin, in the first two seasons he wound up with a final two of a good girl (Jes and Ambre) and a skank (Heather and Daisy). And I kind a think the good girls got gooder and the skanks got skankier. As nasty as Daisy was/is, I'm not sure that she holds a candle to some of these girls. And Daisy is a tremendous skank by any, like, measure. So if we're progressively headed in two directions, then what this season is really missing is Sister Mary Margaret. Then, when Bret chooses the good girl, as he's done twice previously, we'll have the two of them run off to the convent together.
Oh, and another thought. We'll try to do a better job of framing where we are in the show when these comments happen. But since the $$ haven't started rolling in yet, you'll get what you get.
While I'm thinking about it, how about the list of towns where he's playing. The opening episode had him playing in Louisville. I think we're going to see the delights of Nantucket, Cheboygen, and Mizzoula.
Did I mention that I predict that we'll see tears in every episode this season. These skanks are trashy, but emotionally crippled at the same time. This is a recipe for fun.
Opening:
Allie is surprised that the girls have to sleep together. No complaining on my part.
Hoo Doggie, we're goin to Indy. And now we'll get to see a complete mockery of the institution of marriage. Good advice on the bus - if you can't come up with vows, start drinkin.
Constandina is going to do some sort of Indian vows. Great, nothing like arranged marriage vows. Priest: "Do your parents take this man to be your lawful wedded husband? Accepting three cows and a goat in exchange for your life as an indentured survant walking five feet behind your husband?" Bride: "Yep, that's me. Ready to donate my clitoris and self respect for the sanctity of marriage. All that talk about the temple and whatnot."
Yeah, these aren't smart girls. It is fine if you don't want to dress the part, but then you better come with some strong vows. Beverly the Rocker Girl could bite it if she doesn't get in the spirit. But we appreciate the attempt at being the non-slutty, more original contestant.
Porn-star is a 'singer-songwriter'? Who knew?? Five pages of vows? She hurts. Definitely not enough hugs.
Yeah, he went for the kiss straight up on the model. She is a strong candidate.
And the belly dance starts. And well received. Also original...she won't make it to the end because she's just too out there, but we may learn more about here.
Samantha is this season's Ambre. "I promise to always be easy". Nice.
Loving Bret's shirt. Note to self, sport the Bret Micheal's look for the wedding in PR.
A plaster mold of her chest by Mindy. That is fantastic. That's a good surprise. I'd think Lloyds of London would require a plaster cast so them puppies can be insured. How else could you identify them if something happened to them. Photos just wouldn't do.
Aw crap, Brittaney is "truly hurt" as she doesn't get picked. This woman is just an open wound. Just plain psycho. Drama, drama, drama and it is just the second episode. Did this chick have to go to therapy after every porn movie 'cus the guy did her, wiped it on her back, and walked away???
And to the reception:
Holy crap, Brittany is over the edge with the bikini dance.
"Are you smarter than a rock star?" That's too good 'cus these girls are thinkers. Taya is a screamer. Look out for that one. These 'interrupt cards were a great idea'. And more tears from Brittaney. Christ, she must be getting dehydrated with all the cryin.
And the race card is played by the porn star. Sweet. They are making this season dynamic.
The date:
"Ah, my future ex-wives". Yeah, he's truly rolling in it now. This is better than being in the house. I hate to say it, but this mobile RoL is truly Bret in his element.
I just figured out that the cheek-pierced chick has a necklace with brass-knuckles. Oh, that just screams she's the one to take home to Mom and Dad. Toss in the clitoral piercing and she's made a name for herself. (BTW, there are to many chicks to get all of the names right. I SWEAR it will get better as the numbers dwindle.)
So what are the other girls doing at the pool:
Marcia is one big lover of the tequila. Yeah, she's a solid drinker.
Melissa, one cute girl who probably should have addressed the roots issue before the show. She's back at sending the ultimatums. Have any of these girls ever seen the show before?
Constantina just threw up the total cock-block. Three year vow of celebacy. Hmmmm, poor timing. Maybe Buddha didn't teach the lessons of the casting couch. Might have to go back and read the Upanishads, baby.
Selection time:
Please, for the love of all that is right in the world, porn-star needs to go home. And check into a facility. I mean really. I have to admit, I wuz loving the thought of having a 'performer' on the show, but this girl has worn out the welcome in two episodes. This was a perfect chance to stand up for mainstreaming porn, much like Ron Jeremy in Big Brother, but this could set the industry back big-time.
Megan is the next Jes.
Oh, three are going home today.
Taya is one confident chick. Of course being a Penthouse Pet doesn't hurt ego.
You have to be kidding me. Brittaney stays? Yep, that's a shocker. He booted two good girls and the Gypsy. What up with that? Yeah, this is a clear case of the producers getting in his ear. I'm betting that none of the last six had any chance, but the three he kept made more noise and will make better TV. And, therefore, more blog fodder. Bring it.
OK, we've talked a lot this week about the quality of the contestants for this season. With the threat that Bretwill quit if he doesn't find a girl on this season I think they've pulled out all the skanks. Which got me to thinkin, in the first two seasons he wound up with a final two of a good girl (Jes and Ambre) and a skank (Heather and Daisy). And I kind a think the good girls got gooder and the skanks got skankier. As nasty as Daisy was/is, I'm not sure that she holds a candle to some of these girls. And Daisy is a tremendous skank by any, like, measure. So if we're progressively headed in two directions, then what this season is really missing is Sister Mary Margaret. Then, when Bret chooses the good girl, as he's done twice previously, we'll have the two of them run off to the convent together.
Oh, and another thought. We'll try to do a better job of framing where we are in the show when these comments happen. But since the $$ haven't started rolling in yet, you'll get what you get.
While I'm thinking about it, how about the list of towns where he's playing. The opening episode had him playing in Louisville. I think we're going to see the delights of Nantucket, Cheboygen, and Mizzoula.
Did I mention that I predict that we'll see tears in every episode this season. These skanks are trashy, but emotionally crippled at the same time. This is a recipe for fun.
Opening:
Allie is surprised that the girls have to sleep together. No complaining on my part.
Hoo Doggie, we're goin to Indy. And now we'll get to see a complete mockery of the institution of marriage. Good advice on the bus - if you can't come up with vows, start drinkin.
Constandina is going to do some sort of Indian vows. Great, nothing like arranged marriage vows. Priest: "Do your parents take this man to be your lawful wedded husband? Accepting three cows and a goat in exchange for your life as an indentured survant walking five feet behind your husband?" Bride: "Yep, that's me. Ready to donate my clitoris and self respect for the sanctity of marriage. All that talk about the temple and whatnot."
Yeah, these aren't smart girls. It is fine if you don't want to dress the part, but then you better come with some strong vows. Beverly the Rocker Girl could bite it if she doesn't get in the spirit. But we appreciate the attempt at being the non-slutty, more original contestant.
Porn-star is a 'singer-songwriter'? Who knew?? Five pages of vows? She hurts. Definitely not enough hugs.
Yeah, he went for the kiss straight up on the model. She is a strong candidate.
And the belly dance starts. And well received. Also original...she won't make it to the end because she's just too out there, but we may learn more about here.
Samantha is this season's Ambre. "I promise to always be easy". Nice.
Loving Bret's shirt. Note to self, sport the Bret Micheal's look for the wedding in PR.
A plaster mold of her chest by Mindy. That is fantastic. That's a good surprise. I'd think Lloyds of London would require a plaster cast so them puppies can be insured. How else could you identify them if something happened to them. Photos just wouldn't do.
Aw crap, Brittaney is "truly hurt" as she doesn't get picked. This woman is just an open wound. Just plain psycho. Drama, drama, drama and it is just the second episode. Did this chick have to go to therapy after every porn movie 'cus the guy did her, wiped it on her back, and walked away???
And to the reception:
Holy crap, Brittany is over the edge with the bikini dance.
"Are you smarter than a rock star?" That's too good 'cus these girls are thinkers. Taya is a screamer. Look out for that one. These 'interrupt cards were a great idea'. And more tears from Brittaney. Christ, she must be getting dehydrated with all the cryin.
And the race card is played by the porn star. Sweet. They are making this season dynamic.
The date:
"Ah, my future ex-wives". Yeah, he's truly rolling in it now. This is better than being in the house. I hate to say it, but this mobile RoL is truly Bret in his element.
I just figured out that the cheek-pierced chick has a necklace with brass-knuckles. Oh, that just screams she's the one to take home to Mom and Dad. Toss in the clitoral piercing and she's made a name for herself. (BTW, there are to many chicks to get all of the names right. I SWEAR it will get better as the numbers dwindle.)
So what are the other girls doing at the pool:
Marcia is one big lover of the tequila. Yeah, she's a solid drinker.
Melissa, one cute girl who probably should have addressed the roots issue before the show. She's back at sending the ultimatums. Have any of these girls ever seen the show before?
Constantina just threw up the total cock-block. Three year vow of celebacy. Hmmmm, poor timing. Maybe Buddha didn't teach the lessons of the casting couch. Might have to go back and read the Upanishads, baby.
Selection time:
Please, for the love of all that is right in the world, porn-star needs to go home. And check into a facility. I mean really. I have to admit, I wuz loving the thought of having a 'performer' on the show, but this girl has worn out the welcome in two episodes. This was a perfect chance to stand up for mainstreaming porn, much like Ron Jeremy in Big Brother, but this could set the industry back big-time.
Megan is the next Jes.
Oh, three are going home today.
Taya is one confident chick. Of course being a Penthouse Pet doesn't hurt ego.
You have to be kidding me. Brittaney stays? Yep, that's a shocker. He booted two good girls and the Gypsy. What up with that? Yeah, this is a clear case of the producers getting in his ear. I'm betting that none of the last six had any chance, but the three he kept made more noise and will make better TV. And, therefore, more blog fodder. Bring it.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Season Premiere
Oh God! It has started. Now I have to admit that the last season hit some pretty new lows w.r.t. social relevence, goodness of mankind, and just plain decency. But we're committed to standing by Bret in his search and seeing this through (well, at least the opening). The preview we watched had one great quote from Big John "I specifically told you girls not to act slutty!!" With that in mind, let's dive into the bus and see where it takes us.
The sluttiest chick that I can think of from the previous seasons was Angelique. Frenchy has no socially redeeming values and under no circumstances could be considered attractive. Somehow I think we could top, or bottom, that in this season. These girls already have incredible levels of bimbocity.
And right out of the gate we have piercings. On has cheeks done, the other the lower lip. Talk about someone that just "needed a few more hugs" growin up...
Aw shit, we got Bret feeling sorry for himself and trying to sell us a sad, sad song of his troubled life. Oh, and he's just thrown down the gauntlet that if he doesn't find the right girl he's giving up. Nooooo. Don't tell us that. No, don't try to make us think you have standards at this point.
Let's meet the "Lovely Ladies":
Whoooooo. First girl is a "former" porn star. (Not that there's anything wrong with that.) Yep, that let's us know what we're in for this season. And that transitions us right into a Subway commercial for five dollar foot-longs. Yep, that's just what she was working for. Oh, and her passion is music. No more pecker-hopping, she's into the vibe.
Holy crap. This is really scary. A lab experienment has gone very wrong. The evil Dr. Feelgood has crossed Frenchie with Daisy and created the monster that is Nikki. Dead ringer with the lips of Frenchie, body of Daisy, and the brains if neither. She's a DJ and got arrested for her "art" of graffiti. Yeah, that's someone with a future. "Six months of 'like' jail time" And she has written the lyrics of her "rap" on the back of a 'genial herpes' flier? What rock did she crawl out from??
"I'm hot just standing there breathing" - Ashley
Heather - "I've never done anything like this." How did they find someone relatively normal?
Oh, we've got someone from the foothills from the Appalachian Mountains. Masters degree in storytelling?? Allison is certain that she went to ETSU for that degree. And while it may seem like we're mocking her, and we will of course, this part is straight up. ETSU and the area is a haven for story telling with festivals in the fall where some pretty talented folk entertain with their delightful delivery. But this chick, Constandina, had us thinking fruit-cake from the very get go with the third-eye (no Doug, I'm not turned on by her red dot). I expeceted to hear she was Shamanda from Kasmir instead of Candy from Bristol.
Natasha is an aspiring Madame, but she sounds like a man.
Marci is Destiny from Season Two. Yeah, we're seeing repeats all over with this new cast.
My father is disabled and married to a 26 year old - Stephanie. We need to hear more about her family.
Kelsey is cute.
Maria is 40. Wow!
Mindy is our token redneck.
Farrah. Now that's one scary smokin chick. All fake in every way that Brett's looking for. Yep, she's my leader.
Brittanya??? Pierced dimples? Just had to go for something different, didn't you. Just when you couldn't think of any where else to pierce.
Beverly is Allison's horse, bringing the cool down to earth attributes of Jess (winner, season 1) and Inna, the Ukranian Love Tank (made decent showing, season 2). Oh, and Beverly dissed Bret "being with Ambre" when he asked whether he's met her back stage at his Atlanta show. So I get this straight, he's still livin the life where he picks out the girls from the crowd and the bouncers bring them backstage to "meet the band." I thought those days were long gone, but I'm thrilled to hear that they have survived.
Samantha has nothing. Nothing stands out about her.
Oh, a Penthouse Pet. Yes!!!!!!!!! We have a leader in the clubhouse. Taya draws the line in the sand with an ass shot.
And here come off the clothes. The first girl to go enter the 'skin to win' cafe is the worst looking one. Doh, and nice bruise on the ass cheek as she just drops the dress. Gia is a hooker.
What, no bandana for Big John??
Commercial for Herpecin L. We, uh, fast forwarded through that, but it did catch the eye.
These girls are incredibly stupid. The Daisy clone is a characture of a real person. Oh, this is sad. Did I really say that we'd see this one through just to support Bret's sincere search?? This is us at our most masochistic, but we do it for you, dear reader. VH1 is run by a bunch of sadists.
All the blondes on one bus. OK, so there are no real blondes on this show, but you know what I mean. Marcia is the new Brazilian Love Tank. There's a lot of retreading of characters here. Where's the Rodeo? Laci? Oh, and we've got crying ten minutes into the ride on the pink bus. I think we're guaranteed tears on every episode.
Whooooo. Partying in Louisville!! Talk about lighting the house on fire. Man, by the time they get to Branson this show will be out of control. The National Guard will be out by Schenectedy.
With all of the girls shitty on stage and the Ma(n)dame is upset because two girls are "swapping diseases"??? What kind of house of prostitution are you gonna run if that bothers you? 'Cus no guy is going to call the agency looking for a little girl on girl action...
Alright, Beverly is ready to live this lifestyle. Sure, she has the personality of a guy, but she's game. And she may be the only one with real boobs.
First night and they are throwing drinks and shit. That's busting the sloppy-drunk cherry pretty damned early, but we're not here to judge.
Oh, and there's some carpet diving on the first night. And there's Melissa the drama queen ready to leave. Sad, sad, sad. Don't they do any vetting on the casting couch?? Oh, and you'd think you'd get your roots done before you met "The Love of Your Life" Bret Michaels.
Big John has to count heads each morning. Nice. Who knew the ex-marine also has skills as a kindergarten teacher?
Samantha is a cross between Rodeo, Peyton, and the one with Elvira hair. I guess it is true when they say that all of the great stories have already been written.
Costandina has a pretty dramatic identity crisis. She's really gone native, but the other kind of Indians. I think I'll refer her 'dances with sacred cows'.
A little "face time" for Beverly. She's a real fan and you all know that strokes the Bret ego. Oh, and they take a slam on my girl CJ from season 2. Why they gots to hate? Yep, she made the top ten just on that sit down.
Oh, and the porn star spills her guts in the hallway. Who ever thought that she could be so needy? Yep, needed them hugs.
Blondterage? These are some scary-assed bitches. Chick-fight in the other room. What is it, 10 in the morning? Marcia's justification to choke the other one is because "you should never waste alcohol" - that's a girl with priorities. And we all know that Bret loves drama. This season started at 20,000 ft.
Yeah, he made the right move dumping Heather and Stephanie since they just can't live that lifestyle. Nikki even has the tats on her hands. It is comical how much she is patterned after Daisy. What band member did she wind up with? (Nikki S. was waiting back stage after elimination).
"Gia can not go home." Great, so we've got her talking about herself in the third person. Who is she, Ricky Henderson?? Was she a boxer in another life?
And he keeps the porn star. Oh, she will not age well. It is nothing about her past professional 'services' that scares us. She's more needy than a cat in heat.
Oh, the segui at the end where we see Bret on the road, playing guitar by himself, contemplating life's deep mysteries. I'll be shocked if we don't have the Dhali Lama at some stop on the road. Gunga-gadunga.
The sluttiest chick that I can think of from the previous seasons was Angelique. Frenchy has no socially redeeming values and under no circumstances could be considered attractive. Somehow I think we could top, or bottom, that in this season. These girls already have incredible levels of bimbocity.
And right out of the gate we have piercings. On has cheeks done, the other the lower lip. Talk about someone that just "needed a few more hugs" growin up...
Aw shit, we got Bret feeling sorry for himself and trying to sell us a sad, sad song of his troubled life. Oh, and he's just thrown down the gauntlet that if he doesn't find the right girl he's giving up. Nooooo. Don't tell us that. No, don't try to make us think you have standards at this point.
Let's meet the "Lovely Ladies":
Whoooooo. First girl is a "former" porn star. (Not that there's anything wrong with that.) Yep, that let's us know what we're in for this season. And that transitions us right into a Subway commercial for five dollar foot-longs. Yep, that's just what she was working for. Oh, and her passion is music. No more pecker-hopping, she's into the vibe.
Holy crap. This is really scary. A lab experienment has gone very wrong. The evil Dr. Feelgood has crossed Frenchie with Daisy and created the monster that is Nikki. Dead ringer with the lips of Frenchie, body of Daisy, and the brains if neither. She's a DJ and got arrested for her "art" of graffiti. Yeah, that's someone with a future. "Six months of 'like' jail time" And she has written the lyrics of her "rap" on the back of a 'genial herpes' flier? What rock did she crawl out from??
"I'm hot just standing there breathing" - Ashley
Heather - "I've never done anything like this." How did they find someone relatively normal?
Oh, we've got someone from the foothills from the Appalachian Mountains. Masters degree in storytelling?? Allison is certain that she went to ETSU for that degree. And while it may seem like we're mocking her, and we will of course, this part is straight up. ETSU and the area is a haven for story telling with festivals in the fall where some pretty talented folk entertain with their delightful delivery. But this chick, Constandina, had us thinking fruit-cake from the very get go with the third-eye (no Doug, I'm not turned on by her red dot). I expeceted to hear she was Shamanda from Kasmir instead of Candy from Bristol.
Natasha is an aspiring Madame, but she sounds like a man.
Marci is Destiny from Season Two. Yeah, we're seeing repeats all over with this new cast.
My father is disabled and married to a 26 year old - Stephanie. We need to hear more about her family.
Kelsey is cute.
Maria is 40. Wow!
Mindy is our token redneck.
Farrah. Now that's one scary smokin chick. All fake in every way that Brett's looking for. Yep, she's my leader.
Brittanya??? Pierced dimples? Just had to go for something different, didn't you. Just when you couldn't think of any where else to pierce.
Beverly is Allison's horse, bringing the cool down to earth attributes of Jess (winner, season 1) and Inna, the Ukranian Love Tank (made decent showing, season 2). Oh, and Beverly dissed Bret "being with Ambre" when he asked whether he's met her back stage at his Atlanta show. So I get this straight, he's still livin the life where he picks out the girls from the crowd and the bouncers bring them backstage to "meet the band." I thought those days were long gone, but I'm thrilled to hear that they have survived.
Samantha has nothing. Nothing stands out about her.
Oh, a Penthouse Pet. Yes!!!!!!!!! We have a leader in the clubhouse. Taya draws the line in the sand with an ass shot.
And here come off the clothes. The first girl to go enter the 'skin to win' cafe is the worst looking one. Doh, and nice bruise on the ass cheek as she just drops the dress. Gia is a hooker.
What, no bandana for Big John??
Commercial for Herpecin L. We, uh, fast forwarded through that, but it did catch the eye.
These girls are incredibly stupid. The Daisy clone is a characture of a real person. Oh, this is sad. Did I really say that we'd see this one through just to support Bret's sincere search?? This is us at our most masochistic, but we do it for you, dear reader. VH1 is run by a bunch of sadists.
All the blondes on one bus. OK, so there are no real blondes on this show, but you know what I mean. Marcia is the new Brazilian Love Tank. There's a lot of retreading of characters here. Where's the Rodeo? Laci? Oh, and we've got crying ten minutes into the ride on the pink bus. I think we're guaranteed tears on every episode.
Whooooo. Partying in Louisville!! Talk about lighting the house on fire. Man, by the time they get to Branson this show will be out of control. The National Guard will be out by Schenectedy.
With all of the girls shitty on stage and the Ma(n)dame is upset because two girls are "swapping diseases"??? What kind of house of prostitution are you gonna run if that bothers you? 'Cus no guy is going to call the agency looking for a little girl on girl action...
Alright, Beverly is ready to live this lifestyle. Sure, she has the personality of a guy, but she's game. And she may be the only one with real boobs.
First night and they are throwing drinks and shit. That's busting the sloppy-drunk cherry pretty damned early, but we're not here to judge.
Oh, and there's some carpet diving on the first night. And there's Melissa the drama queen ready to leave. Sad, sad, sad. Don't they do any vetting on the casting couch?? Oh, and you'd think you'd get your roots done before you met "The Love of Your Life" Bret Michaels.
Big John has to count heads each morning. Nice. Who knew the ex-marine also has skills as a kindergarten teacher?
Samantha is a cross between Rodeo, Peyton, and the one with Elvira hair. I guess it is true when they say that all of the great stories have already been written.
Costandina has a pretty dramatic identity crisis. She's really gone native, but the other kind of Indians. I think I'll refer her 'dances with sacred cows'.
A little "face time" for Beverly. She's a real fan and you all know that strokes the Bret ego. Oh, and they take a slam on my girl CJ from season 2. Why they gots to hate? Yep, she made the top ten just on that sit down.
Oh, and the porn star spills her guts in the hallway. Who ever thought that she could be so needy? Yep, needed them hugs.
Blondterage? These are some scary-assed bitches. Chick-fight in the other room. What is it, 10 in the morning? Marcia's justification to choke the other one is because "you should never waste alcohol" - that's a girl with priorities. And we all know that Bret loves drama. This season started at 20,000 ft.
Elimination begins...
Love as the camera pans over all the girls that they are swaying in the breeze. Props to the drunken ability of the girls in stillettos.
Yeah, he made the right move dumping Heather and Stephanie since they just can't live that lifestyle. Nikki even has the tats on her hands. It is comical how much she is patterned after Daisy. What band member did she wind up with? (Nikki S. was waiting back stage after elimination).
"Gia can not go home." Great, so we've got her talking about herself in the third person. Who is she, Ricky Henderson?? Was she a boxer in another life?
And he keeps the porn star. Oh, she will not age well. It is nothing about her past professional 'services' that scares us. She's more needy than a cat in heat.
Oh, the segui at the end where we see Bret on the road, playing guitar by himself, contemplating life's deep mysteries. I'll be shocked if we don't have the Dhali Lama at some stop on the road. Gunga-gadunga.
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