Episode Four
Now we're getting to the meat of the schedule. Heck we might even get to know some of the names of this season's nasty young ladies. I do wonder some times where the drama is going to come from now that Brittaney is gone. We've got some angry women this season, I do wonder if this episode is the spark that ignites the fire.
The preview makes us think that there's Beverly Drama.
Is that Bret singing in the beginning during the opening credits? Oh, that's terrible. You couldn't pay me to go to one of his concerts.
Snap, Maria is gone. Maria the model is gone. "A medical condition". Damn, she is hot and could have been a real contender. Cryin' shame.
They are headed to Chicago. Finally going to a town of more than 35,000 folks. No more Paduka, KY. Going to the second city.
Marcia is not only a party girl, she's a bruised party girl. Check out the hip-pointer as she moons the other van.
The girls are looking especially nasty as they walk to the stage. Oh, and I love how Bret is strumming the guitar with Joey and Big John on stage as the girls come in. As if the guys were having some quality 'guy time' talking about the fate of the universe and whether there will be peace in the Middle East in our lifetime.
Allie asks a good question. Do they give these outfits to the girls or do they bring their own. There is a similarity to the sluttiness of the girls' outfits.
We're down to nine girls. I'm starting to hedge my bets and thinking the penthouse pet could be in the running. A sleeper, if you will. We just froze the frame on the girls while they stand there. The Penthouse chick is tiny. Much smaller than all of the others by it looks like 5 inches - well, the way John measures five inches. I think her name is Tia. Oh, Taya.
Joe, the stage manager, stresses safety. The girls have on slutty "underwear", at best. But they'll be safe since they get boots. Yep, boots, that'll help.
This competition is bad news. Taya drops off the stage bigtime. OUCH! Stop showing the footage! Eek. To her credit, yeah, she shows Bret her determination. She's in pain maybe with a broken leg and there's two guys watching her work. Where's their beer?
Marcia is huge. She may be an Amazon. Sure, she's the South American and all so it is an easy correlation. Did anyone notice that they keep blurring her chest? She's wearing 'clothes', but it must be made of cellophane.
All the drama was with the losers. Mindy's bitching, Taya's crying. Sour grapes all the way around.
VIP SuiteGifts from Bret. Skanky dresses and crappy jewelry. They have set the bar so low with these girls yet they are still impressed.
Farah hates being with the losers and now she's alone with bitchy and the crier. Ginormous boobs is not happy. Oh, that's too rich. The whiney twins and Farah are in general admission.
There's more covering up of the girls on stage. These babes are falling out all over the place. Remember the good old days when there was a little scantily clad outfits and occasional nudity? These ladies are just looking to get nekkid whenever they can. Brittanya is just falling out all the time.
Oh, let's meet the band. Hanging with the boys. Beverly makin time with the drummer with the mohawk. And Ashley, the big blonde, has an issue with this? Who is she, the social conscience of the group? Whew, thank goodness, and her tit with 'James' tattood she's the perfect one to judge fidelity.
So all the more sweet when the "Social Conscience" starts pukin on the bus. "I'll puke on your Mom". Yep, that's the girl for Bret. He needs to take her home so she can puke on good 'ol Mom. Hey, it is the life of a rock star, or so we're told.
The next morningAshley comes clean that they weren't making out, just a kiss, but later, I don't feel that was her story. Yeah, she's less psycho than Laci, but just as two-faced. And, at least Laci was entertaining - this girl is just a bitch.
Allie thinks Marcia has a problem. Yes, English as a second language is her first problem. The old Te-Kill-Ya might be #2.
On the roof:
It is a tear down on Mindy. Yep, she's busted as little Miss Poopy Pants at the concert. She may have totally blown it.
Doh, and from left field Ashley throws Marcia under the bus on the lunch date. Hell, both busses. Yeah, she's an evil woman. But, Bret lets that slide with a "she's got a good heart." So, Ashley moves on to target #2 on her self professed "agenda".
Beverly is called out for kissing the drummer. Ashley can't wait to start the piling on. She'd be a good Survivor player. The lie of the day: Bret takes the high road and says to Bev, "it doesn't matter how drunk I get, if I came to your party, I wouldn't be making out with your friends." Oh, that's just a load of BS. He'd be banging your best friend, and her sister, Laci would be filming it and Circus Boobs would be doing the lighting. THEN, Bret would be getting pissed off if you didn't join them. There's no high road for Bret. He doesn't know that path.
Down to Elimination
Nine girls, do we even need to have someone gone since we lost Maria in this episode?
What is his plan? Has anyone noticed that we're four episodes in and he hasn't knocked boots with anyone that we can tell? Is he behind schedule? At first I was thinking because he hasn't spent any time with these girls alone, but then I don't think that would hold most of these girls back. It is a very different dynamic on the road versus the house from Season 1 &
2.
So we're down to three. And there's a curve ball. He's sending Big John away. I guess he doesn't want any witnesses for what's going to go down, mafia style.
At this point, I think he needs to boot Marcia. She brings nothing to the table aside from comic relief and a higher bar tab. Mindy blew it by being pissed and showing it at the concert, but that shouldn't be too bad. But, not Bev! She's getting the shaft if she's voted off. He checked with CiCi on Daisy, I'm sure this can all be cleared up with a quick chat to Mohawk Boy. Aw hell, what do I know??
All three on thin ice. Props to Marcia for coming clean that she doesn't know him. It isn't like he's Ricky Martin, you know.
He's pissed about giving the gift away. Oh, and she can't even get his name out. Chad? Bret? Sally? She's going out a winner. Holding her head high. Or her hair out of the toilet. Whatever - She partied harder than anyone else on the bus - we'll miss her Dorito-breath and body shots.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Episode Three - Goin to Illinois, uh,uh,uh
Episode Three
And we're back. So the promos for this week center around the hockey game. This is a retread event from previous seasons and to demonstrate the retreaded-ness they brought back the ultimate retread - Laci. This chick is a joke. Daddy's little girl, goin through all of the rebellion stuff with the nose piercing, hair dying, and trying to sing in a rock band. A bad, metal
band.
So with those thoughts, on with the show. I'm predicting tears within the first seventeen minutes.
Makin it in Indiana.
We get an intro to Maya. Haven't heard from her yet.And Ashley sets the tone for 'king bitch' this season.
Holy crap, they are headed to Champaign, Illinois. Yeah, you are making it when you are headed there. This makes me think that the Cheboygen trip is a reality.
Man, Laci is lookin ROUGH. Time is not her friend. Neither is smack.
How surprising that Brittaney "could have been an Olympic hopeful if she didn't have to quit". Quit to do what??? But, with tears in her eyes, she"s happy with the way that everything turned out. I'm starting to think that her whole world is some sort of fantasy. She can skate backwards, something I could never accomplish, but then she's done plenty else that I haven't
done either...
This could be painful. I'll be shocked if there are no broken bones. If you put white-bread out there, I'm begging for wrist braces. My money is on the pink team.
Laci decapitates Baby Bret. Too sweet. That girl is going to make some man miserable for the rest of his life.
Anyone know where Mindy's from? She's got one heck of a drawl.
Natasha is laid out. This harkens back to Dallas from a couple of seasons ago getting abused on the motorcross. Oh, this looks serious. Medic!
We stopped it at the fifteen minute mark to take stock. There's Marcia talking about how rough it is out there. Take a look at her right arm. She's pretty bruised. Of course tequila might have something to do with that. Personal experience tells us that tequila makes you bump into things.
Black team out there and all four of them down on the ice at once.
Farrah speaks!!! I think this is the first time we've heard from her. Oh, and as an aside, Circus-boobs Erin from the first season has nothing on lung capacity compared to some of these girls. Farrah and Ashley aren't far behind.
Beverly pulls a fast one and makes everyone think she can't skate. There's some moxi in that girl. Majot points for good, clean, underhandedness on her part. We Love her. That was a good job.
You can pop an implant? Melissa thinking she popped one. Ashley busts on her saying that if she can pop an implant playing Baby Bret hockey, her boob job must have come from Tijuana. Oh, that's good - the laugh out loud moment of this episode. As side note, I was once in the desert of Needles, CA at a sketchy bar called the Red Dog and the bartender was talking about
her boob job from TJ. Seems as though you can get them done for half the cost of work done in the US. So she and her mother both had them done for $5K. And did anyone notice the scar Melissa's lip? We may have to start calling her 'the Joker'.
Damn, no tears and we're at the 25 minute mark.
But we got psycho-Brittaney on the date so you know something bad will happen. Out of the blue I notice that the tit-tat on Ashley says 'James'. No really, that's going a lot too far. First, you defile a breast, a cardinal sin in the first place, but then you do it with some guy's name and then show it on TV while chasing after another guy?? Just what every guy wants to see is some other guys name when they look up from motorboating those puppies. Not a strong decision maker that one.
The Date
Oh these are evil women. Going through Brittaney's stuff. She kept the stinky socks. That is freaking crazy. She's got this homeless-bag lady thing going. Or she's a hoarder. I'm thinking that porn thing didn't pay the bills all that well and she'd got to scrimp and save where she can. Got to save the fries and ketchup.
Oh damn, they are in Peoria at Big Al's. I've been there. I swear, just for work. Back in the early 90's that was THE place everyone had to go to when you visited Peoria. I remember callin my buddy Matty-Matt from there just to let him know I'd made it. Then I hand over the phone to the female bartender and he's asking "what are you wearing?" Smooth operator that
man.
Allie just noticed that Big John hasn't spent much time on screen. He has got to be over this whole thing by now.
One of the girls is 'going to show Bret the real me'. Yeah, acting like a stripper on stage is always a prescription to get to know someone. Beverly is a classy girl, but she may be digging herself a hole.
Anyone notice that Farrah got a lot of air time today? I wonder if she's gettin tossed at the end of the date and this was her day to shine.
OK! Finally, we get the tears from Brittaney at 34 minutes. I was way off. Nice to know that she taught other girls of porn how to save for retirement. Yep, I'll buy that. She's got Certified Financial Planner written all over her. Most Olympic skating hopefuls quit the game, do porn, then a CFP. Makes sense to me. Of course, if it was Katarina Witt...
Uh oh, Bret is having a heart to heart with Bev. Oh snap, she's got three kids at home. Oh, that's a little bit of a surprise. Yeah, he's retarded. He says "be who you are.". That's what she is doing, I think. But three kids...
The return from the date
Brittaney is whacked. OK, she did ask the rink folk if she could have the socks, so it wasn't technically stealing. However, asking for them is just bizarre, so we think that is still fair game to give her shit about it.
Who is calling home? The teasers before the commercials are killing us. It is Melissa. That's a shock. She nearly lost boob for this, but then calls home. Yeah, she's a goner. Maybe when she goes home she can get her roots done while she's at it.
Next morning
Bret's figured out that Brittaney is not just crazy in a fun rock-n-roll kind of way, but crazy-crazy, in a clinical kind of way. Yep, 'bout time. He was talking about the porn-star mystique. Isn't this the same guy who has issues with strippers? Every rose has its thorn and all that? Which reminds us, we haven't heard that song yet this season. I guess it is saved
for those more tender moments that come later.
Is Melissa lying through her teeth? Is she manic-depressive? Split personality? Watch out - Bret can roll the tape back just like they can in a convenience store robbery.
Elimination
Well, the promos show him getting pissed so you got to believe that Melissa is gone. Let's all hope that a Brittaney move is on track as well.
Finally, there's Big John. Bret may need his protection for a psycho Brittaney attack, if she's eliminated. Uh oh. Melissa self-selects. Bret makes a show kicking her out.
And we finally get to know some names. Beverly sticks around, but she could be too nice for him.
Let's all take a moment and say good-bye to Brittaney. This is going to get ugly. Someone get a mop. This could be bad. Gettaing dumped by Bret Michaels is one of the hardest things she's ever done in her life?!?!?!?!!? Really??? No, really?? You must be kidding. At least she has her socks to keep her warm. Oh, and did you all notice them weating those white, long socks?? What up with that??
And we're back. So the promos for this week center around the hockey game. This is a retread event from previous seasons and to demonstrate the retreaded-ness they brought back the ultimate retread - Laci. This chick is a joke. Daddy's little girl, goin through all of the rebellion stuff with the nose piercing, hair dying, and trying to sing in a rock band. A bad, metal
band.
So with those thoughts, on with the show. I'm predicting tears within the first seventeen minutes.
Makin it in Indiana.
We get an intro to Maya. Haven't heard from her yet.And Ashley sets the tone for 'king bitch' this season.
Holy crap, they are headed to Champaign, Illinois. Yeah, you are making it when you are headed there. This makes me think that the Cheboygen trip is a reality.
Man, Laci is lookin ROUGH. Time is not her friend. Neither is smack.
How surprising that Brittaney "could have been an Olympic hopeful if she didn't have to quit". Quit to do what??? But, with tears in her eyes, she"s happy with the way that everything turned out. I'm starting to think that her whole world is some sort of fantasy. She can skate backwards, something I could never accomplish, but then she's done plenty else that I haven't
done either...
This could be painful. I'll be shocked if there are no broken bones. If you put white-bread out there, I'm begging for wrist braces. My money is on the pink team.
Laci decapitates Baby Bret. Too sweet. That girl is going to make some man miserable for the rest of his life.
Anyone know where Mindy's from? She's got one heck of a drawl.
Natasha is laid out. This harkens back to Dallas from a couple of seasons ago getting abused on the motorcross. Oh, this looks serious. Medic!
We stopped it at the fifteen minute mark to take stock. There's Marcia talking about how rough it is out there. Take a look at her right arm. She's pretty bruised. Of course tequila might have something to do with that. Personal experience tells us that tequila makes you bump into things.
Black team out there and all four of them down on the ice at once.
Farrah speaks!!! I think this is the first time we've heard from her. Oh, and as an aside, Circus-boobs Erin from the first season has nothing on lung capacity compared to some of these girls. Farrah and Ashley aren't far behind.
Beverly pulls a fast one and makes everyone think she can't skate. There's some moxi in that girl. Majot points for good, clean, underhandedness on her part. We Love her. That was a good job.
You can pop an implant? Melissa thinking she popped one. Ashley busts on her saying that if she can pop an implant playing Baby Bret hockey, her boob job must have come from Tijuana. Oh, that's good - the laugh out loud moment of this episode. As side note, I was once in the desert of Needles, CA at a sketchy bar called the Red Dog and the bartender was talking about
her boob job from TJ. Seems as though you can get them done for half the cost of work done in the US. So she and her mother both had them done for $5K. And did anyone notice the scar Melissa's lip? We may have to start calling her 'the Joker'.
Damn, no tears and we're at the 25 minute mark.
But we got psycho-Brittaney on the date so you know something bad will happen. Out of the blue I notice that the tit-tat on Ashley says 'James'. No really, that's going a lot too far. First, you defile a breast, a cardinal sin in the first place, but then you do it with some guy's name and then show it on TV while chasing after another guy?? Just what every guy wants to see is some other guys name when they look up from motorboating those puppies. Not a strong decision maker that one.
The Date
Oh these are evil women. Going through Brittaney's stuff. She kept the stinky socks. That is freaking crazy. She's got this homeless-bag lady thing going. Or she's a hoarder. I'm thinking that porn thing didn't pay the bills all that well and she'd got to scrimp and save where she can. Got to save the fries and ketchup.
Oh damn, they are in Peoria at Big Al's. I've been there. I swear, just for work. Back in the early 90's that was THE place everyone had to go to when you visited Peoria. I remember callin my buddy Matty-Matt from there just to let him know I'd made it. Then I hand over the phone to the female bartender and he's asking "what are you wearing?" Smooth operator that
man.
Allie just noticed that Big John hasn't spent much time on screen. He has got to be over this whole thing by now.
One of the girls is 'going to show Bret the real me'. Yeah, acting like a stripper on stage is always a prescription to get to know someone. Beverly is a classy girl, but she may be digging herself a hole.
Anyone notice that Farrah got a lot of air time today? I wonder if she's gettin tossed at the end of the date and this was her day to shine.
OK! Finally, we get the tears from Brittaney at 34 minutes. I was way off. Nice to know that she taught other girls of porn how to save for retirement. Yep, I'll buy that. She's got Certified Financial Planner written all over her. Most Olympic skating hopefuls quit the game, do porn, then a CFP. Makes sense to me. Of course, if it was Katarina Witt...
Uh oh, Bret is having a heart to heart with Bev. Oh snap, she's got three kids at home. Oh, that's a little bit of a surprise. Yeah, he's retarded. He says "be who you are.". That's what she is doing, I think. But three kids...
The return from the date
Brittaney is whacked. OK, she did ask the rink folk if she could have the socks, so it wasn't technically stealing. However, asking for them is just bizarre, so we think that is still fair game to give her shit about it.
Who is calling home? The teasers before the commercials are killing us. It is Melissa. That's a shock. She nearly lost boob for this, but then calls home. Yeah, she's a goner. Maybe when she goes home she can get her roots done while she's at it.
Next morning
Bret's figured out that Brittaney is not just crazy in a fun rock-n-roll kind of way, but crazy-crazy, in a clinical kind of way. Yep, 'bout time. He was talking about the porn-star mystique. Isn't this the same guy who has issues with strippers? Every rose has its thorn and all that? Which reminds us, we haven't heard that song yet this season. I guess it is saved
for those more tender moments that come later.
Is Melissa lying through her teeth? Is she manic-depressive? Split personality? Watch out - Bret can roll the tape back just like they can in a convenience store robbery.
Elimination
Well, the promos show him getting pissed so you got to believe that Melissa is gone. Let's all hope that a Brittaney move is on track as well.
Finally, there's Big John. Bret may need his protection for a psycho Brittaney attack, if she's eliminated. Uh oh. Melissa self-selects. Bret makes a show kicking her out.
And we finally get to know some names. Beverly sticks around, but she could be too nice for him.
Let's all take a moment and say good-bye to Brittaney. This is going to get ugly. Someone get a mop. This could be bad. Gettaing dumped by Bret Michaels is one of the hardest things she's ever done in her life?!?!?!?!!? Really??? No, really?? You must be kidding. At least she has her socks to keep her warm. Oh, and did you all notice them weating those white, long socks?? What up with that??
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Midweek musings
So this week I'm listening to the radio and they are talking about the Dallas Cowboys, especially, Terrell Owens. (stick with me, I'll bring this around to RoLB). The radio guy is talking about what a high-maintenance player TO is and that he'll be nothing but a cancer in the locker room after he's been with a team for a year or so. That first year he's great, second not so much, and by the third, he's an outright distraction and hurts the team.
Radio-guy, Colin Cowherd, a Vegas guy if there's ever been one, puts it this way: You can't give high-maintenance players long-term contracts. You have to keep them on their toes so they'll behave since you always have the ability to dump them at the end of the year. He sums it up with this line "marry the good girl, date the stripper." He goes on to explain, "The stripper says 'I love you, baby', then two days later is taking a twenty in her thong from a long-haul trucker. She says she's 'saving money for nursing school'." Which brings us back to last week's thoughts about Bret and the good-girl /nasty-girl quandary he finds himself in.
With this in mind, this week, start looking at the girls and classifying them as Good or Nasty. The Good list got a lot shorter last week when three Goodies were tossed, but there are still one or two out there. And in what column do you put the Penthouse Pet and the retired model? Good or Nasty? Points to ponder as you watch this week.
Radio-guy, Colin Cowherd, a Vegas guy if there's ever been one, puts it this way: You can't give high-maintenance players long-term contracts. You have to keep them on their toes so they'll behave since you always have the ability to dump them at the end of the year. He sums it up with this line "marry the good girl, date the stripper." He goes on to explain, "The stripper says 'I love you, baby', then two days later is taking a twenty in her thong from a long-haul trucker. She says she's 'saving money for nursing school'." Which brings us back to last week's thoughts about Bret and the good-girl /nasty-girl quandary he finds himself in.
With this in mind, this week, start looking at the girls and classifying them as Good or Nasty. The Good list got a lot shorter last week when three Goodies were tossed, but there are still one or two out there. And in what column do you put the Penthouse Pet and the retired model? Good or Nasty? Points to ponder as you watch this week.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Episode Two
Episode Two:
OK, we've talked a lot this week about the quality of the contestants for this season. With the threat that Bretwill quit if he doesn't find a girl on this season I think they've pulled out all the skanks. Which got me to thinkin, in the first two seasons he wound up with a final two of a good girl (Jes and Ambre) and a skank (Heather and Daisy). And I kind a think the good girls got gooder and the skanks got skankier. As nasty as Daisy was/is, I'm not sure that she holds a candle to some of these girls. And Daisy is a tremendous skank by any, like, measure. So if we're progressively headed in two directions, then what this season is really missing is Sister Mary Margaret. Then, when Bret chooses the good girl, as he's done twice previously, we'll have the two of them run off to the convent together.
Oh, and another thought. We'll try to do a better job of framing where we are in the show when these comments happen. But since the $$ haven't started rolling in yet, you'll get what you get.
While I'm thinking about it, how about the list of towns where he's playing. The opening episode had him playing in Louisville. I think we're going to see the delights of Nantucket, Cheboygen, and Mizzoula.
Did I mention that I predict that we'll see tears in every episode this season. These skanks are trashy, but emotionally crippled at the same time. This is a recipe for fun.
Opening:
Allie is surprised that the girls have to sleep together. No complaining on my part.
Hoo Doggie, we're goin to Indy. And now we'll get to see a complete mockery of the institution of marriage. Good advice on the bus - if you can't come up with vows, start drinkin.
Constandina is going to do some sort of Indian vows. Great, nothing like arranged marriage vows. Priest: "Do your parents take this man to be your lawful wedded husband? Accepting three cows and a goat in exchange for your life as an indentured survant walking five feet behind your husband?" Bride: "Yep, that's me. Ready to donate my clitoris and self respect for the sanctity of marriage. All that talk about the temple and whatnot."
Yeah, these aren't smart girls. It is fine if you don't want to dress the part, but then you better come with some strong vows. Beverly the Rocker Girl could bite it if she doesn't get in the spirit. But we appreciate the attempt at being the non-slutty, more original contestant.
Porn-star is a 'singer-songwriter'? Who knew?? Five pages of vows? She hurts. Definitely not enough hugs.
Yeah, he went for the kiss straight up on the model. She is a strong candidate.
And the belly dance starts. And well received. Also original...she won't make it to the end because she's just too out there, but we may learn more about here.
Samantha is this season's Ambre. "I promise to always be easy". Nice.
Loving Bret's shirt. Note to self, sport the Bret Micheal's look for the wedding in PR.
A plaster mold of her chest by Mindy. That is fantastic. That's a good surprise. I'd think Lloyds of London would require a plaster cast so them puppies can be insured. How else could you identify them if something happened to them. Photos just wouldn't do.
Aw crap, Brittaney is "truly hurt" as she doesn't get picked. This woman is just an open wound. Just plain psycho. Drama, drama, drama and it is just the second episode. Did this chick have to go to therapy after every porn movie 'cus the guy did her, wiped it on her back, and walked away???
And to the reception:
Holy crap, Brittany is over the edge with the bikini dance.
"Are you smarter than a rock star?" That's too good 'cus these girls are thinkers. Taya is a screamer. Look out for that one. These 'interrupt cards were a great idea'. And more tears from Brittaney. Christ, she must be getting dehydrated with all the cryin.
And the race card is played by the porn star. Sweet. They are making this season dynamic.
The date:
"Ah, my future ex-wives". Yeah, he's truly rolling in it now. This is better than being in the house. I hate to say it, but this mobile RoL is truly Bret in his element.
I just figured out that the cheek-pierced chick has a necklace with brass-knuckles. Oh, that just screams she's the one to take home to Mom and Dad. Toss in the clitoral piercing and she's made a name for herself. (BTW, there are to many chicks to get all of the names right. I SWEAR it will get better as the numbers dwindle.)
So what are the other girls doing at the pool:
Marcia is one big lover of the tequila. Yeah, she's a solid drinker.
Melissa, one cute girl who probably should have addressed the roots issue before the show. She's back at sending the ultimatums. Have any of these girls ever seen the show before?
Constantina just threw up the total cock-block. Three year vow of celebacy. Hmmmm, poor timing. Maybe Buddha didn't teach the lessons of the casting couch. Might have to go back and read the Upanishads, baby.
Selection time:
Please, for the love of all that is right in the world, porn-star needs to go home. And check into a facility. I mean really. I have to admit, I wuz loving the thought of having a 'performer' on the show, but this girl has worn out the welcome in two episodes. This was a perfect chance to stand up for mainstreaming porn, much like Ron Jeremy in Big Brother, but this could set the industry back big-time.
Megan is the next Jes.
Oh, three are going home today.
Taya is one confident chick. Of course being a Penthouse Pet doesn't hurt ego.
You have to be kidding me. Brittaney stays? Yep, that's a shocker. He booted two good girls and the Gypsy. What up with that? Yeah, this is a clear case of the producers getting in his ear. I'm betting that none of the last six had any chance, but the three he kept made more noise and will make better TV. And, therefore, more blog fodder. Bring it.
OK, we've talked a lot this week about the quality of the contestants for this season. With the threat that Bretwill quit if he doesn't find a girl on this season I think they've pulled out all the skanks. Which got me to thinkin, in the first two seasons he wound up with a final two of a good girl (Jes and Ambre) and a skank (Heather and Daisy). And I kind a think the good girls got gooder and the skanks got skankier. As nasty as Daisy was/is, I'm not sure that she holds a candle to some of these girls. And Daisy is a tremendous skank by any, like, measure. So if we're progressively headed in two directions, then what this season is really missing is Sister Mary Margaret. Then, when Bret chooses the good girl, as he's done twice previously, we'll have the two of them run off to the convent together.
Oh, and another thought. We'll try to do a better job of framing where we are in the show when these comments happen. But since the $$ haven't started rolling in yet, you'll get what you get.
While I'm thinking about it, how about the list of towns where he's playing. The opening episode had him playing in Louisville. I think we're going to see the delights of Nantucket, Cheboygen, and Mizzoula.
Did I mention that I predict that we'll see tears in every episode this season. These skanks are trashy, but emotionally crippled at the same time. This is a recipe for fun.
Opening:
Allie is surprised that the girls have to sleep together. No complaining on my part.
Hoo Doggie, we're goin to Indy. And now we'll get to see a complete mockery of the institution of marriage. Good advice on the bus - if you can't come up with vows, start drinkin.
Constandina is going to do some sort of Indian vows. Great, nothing like arranged marriage vows. Priest: "Do your parents take this man to be your lawful wedded husband? Accepting three cows and a goat in exchange for your life as an indentured survant walking five feet behind your husband?" Bride: "Yep, that's me. Ready to donate my clitoris and self respect for the sanctity of marriage. All that talk about the temple and whatnot."
Yeah, these aren't smart girls. It is fine if you don't want to dress the part, but then you better come with some strong vows. Beverly the Rocker Girl could bite it if she doesn't get in the spirit. But we appreciate the attempt at being the non-slutty, more original contestant.
Porn-star is a 'singer-songwriter'? Who knew?? Five pages of vows? She hurts. Definitely not enough hugs.
Yeah, he went for the kiss straight up on the model. She is a strong candidate.
And the belly dance starts. And well received. Also original...she won't make it to the end because she's just too out there, but we may learn more about here.
Samantha is this season's Ambre. "I promise to always be easy". Nice.
Loving Bret's shirt. Note to self, sport the Bret Micheal's look for the wedding in PR.
A plaster mold of her chest by Mindy. That is fantastic. That's a good surprise. I'd think Lloyds of London would require a plaster cast so them puppies can be insured. How else could you identify them if something happened to them. Photos just wouldn't do.
Aw crap, Brittaney is "truly hurt" as she doesn't get picked. This woman is just an open wound. Just plain psycho. Drama, drama, drama and it is just the second episode. Did this chick have to go to therapy after every porn movie 'cus the guy did her, wiped it on her back, and walked away???
And to the reception:
Holy crap, Brittany is over the edge with the bikini dance.
"Are you smarter than a rock star?" That's too good 'cus these girls are thinkers. Taya is a screamer. Look out for that one. These 'interrupt cards were a great idea'. And more tears from Brittaney. Christ, she must be getting dehydrated with all the cryin.
And the race card is played by the porn star. Sweet. They are making this season dynamic.
The date:
"Ah, my future ex-wives". Yeah, he's truly rolling in it now. This is better than being in the house. I hate to say it, but this mobile RoL is truly Bret in his element.
I just figured out that the cheek-pierced chick has a necklace with brass-knuckles. Oh, that just screams she's the one to take home to Mom and Dad. Toss in the clitoral piercing and she's made a name for herself. (BTW, there are to many chicks to get all of the names right. I SWEAR it will get better as the numbers dwindle.)
So what are the other girls doing at the pool:
Marcia is one big lover of the tequila. Yeah, she's a solid drinker.
Melissa, one cute girl who probably should have addressed the roots issue before the show. She's back at sending the ultimatums. Have any of these girls ever seen the show before?
Constantina just threw up the total cock-block. Three year vow of celebacy. Hmmmm, poor timing. Maybe Buddha didn't teach the lessons of the casting couch. Might have to go back and read the Upanishads, baby.
Selection time:
Please, for the love of all that is right in the world, porn-star needs to go home. And check into a facility. I mean really. I have to admit, I wuz loving the thought of having a 'performer' on the show, but this girl has worn out the welcome in two episodes. This was a perfect chance to stand up for mainstreaming porn, much like Ron Jeremy in Big Brother, but this could set the industry back big-time.
Megan is the next Jes.
Oh, three are going home today.
Taya is one confident chick. Of course being a Penthouse Pet doesn't hurt ego.
You have to be kidding me. Brittaney stays? Yep, that's a shocker. He booted two good girls and the Gypsy. What up with that? Yeah, this is a clear case of the producers getting in his ear. I'm betting that none of the last six had any chance, but the three he kept made more noise and will make better TV. And, therefore, more blog fodder. Bring it.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Season Premiere
Oh God! It has started. Now I have to admit that the last season hit some pretty new lows w.r.t. social relevence, goodness of mankind, and just plain decency. But we're committed to standing by Bret in his search and seeing this through (well, at least the opening). The preview we watched had one great quote from Big John "I specifically told you girls not to act slutty!!" With that in mind, let's dive into the bus and see where it takes us.
The sluttiest chick that I can think of from the previous seasons was Angelique. Frenchy has no socially redeeming values and under no circumstances could be considered attractive. Somehow I think we could top, or bottom, that in this season. These girls already have incredible levels of bimbocity.
And right out of the gate we have piercings. On has cheeks done, the other the lower lip. Talk about someone that just "needed a few more hugs" growin up...
Aw shit, we got Bret feeling sorry for himself and trying to sell us a sad, sad song of his troubled life. Oh, and he's just thrown down the gauntlet that if he doesn't find the right girl he's giving up. Nooooo. Don't tell us that. No, don't try to make us think you have standards at this point.
Let's meet the "Lovely Ladies":
Whoooooo. First girl is a "former" porn star. (Not that there's anything wrong with that.) Yep, that let's us know what we're in for this season. And that transitions us right into a Subway commercial for five dollar foot-longs. Yep, that's just what she was working for. Oh, and her passion is music. No more pecker-hopping, she's into the vibe.
Holy crap. This is really scary. A lab experienment has gone very wrong. The evil Dr. Feelgood has crossed Frenchie with Daisy and created the monster that is Nikki. Dead ringer with the lips of Frenchie, body of Daisy, and the brains if neither. She's a DJ and got arrested for her "art" of graffiti. Yeah, that's someone with a future. "Six months of 'like' jail time" And she has written the lyrics of her "rap" on the back of a 'genial herpes' flier? What rock did she crawl out from??
"I'm hot just standing there breathing" - Ashley
Heather - "I've never done anything like this." How did they find someone relatively normal?
Oh, we've got someone from the foothills from the Appalachian Mountains. Masters degree in storytelling?? Allison is certain that she went to ETSU for that degree. And while it may seem like we're mocking her, and we will of course, this part is straight up. ETSU and the area is a haven for story telling with festivals in the fall where some pretty talented folk entertain with their delightful delivery. But this chick, Constandina, had us thinking fruit-cake from the very get go with the third-eye (no Doug, I'm not turned on by her red dot). I expeceted to hear she was Shamanda from Kasmir instead of Candy from Bristol.
Natasha is an aspiring Madame, but she sounds like a man.
Marci is Destiny from Season Two. Yeah, we're seeing repeats all over with this new cast.
My father is disabled and married to a 26 year old - Stephanie. We need to hear more about her family.
Kelsey is cute.
Maria is 40. Wow!
Mindy is our token redneck.
Farrah. Now that's one scary smokin chick. All fake in every way that Brett's looking for. Yep, she's my leader.
Brittanya??? Pierced dimples? Just had to go for something different, didn't you. Just when you couldn't think of any where else to pierce.
Beverly is Allison's horse, bringing the cool down to earth attributes of Jess (winner, season 1) and Inna, the Ukranian Love Tank (made decent showing, season 2). Oh, and Beverly dissed Bret "being with Ambre" when he asked whether he's met her back stage at his Atlanta show. So I get this straight, he's still livin the life where he picks out the girls from the crowd and the bouncers bring them backstage to "meet the band." I thought those days were long gone, but I'm thrilled to hear that they have survived.
Samantha has nothing. Nothing stands out about her.
Oh, a Penthouse Pet. Yes!!!!!!!!! We have a leader in the clubhouse. Taya draws the line in the sand with an ass shot.
And here come off the clothes. The first girl to go enter the 'skin to win' cafe is the worst looking one. Doh, and nice bruise on the ass cheek as she just drops the dress. Gia is a hooker.
What, no bandana for Big John??
Commercial for Herpecin L. We, uh, fast forwarded through that, but it did catch the eye.
These girls are incredibly stupid. The Daisy clone is a characture of a real person. Oh, this is sad. Did I really say that we'd see this one through just to support Bret's sincere search?? This is us at our most masochistic, but we do it for you, dear reader. VH1 is run by a bunch of sadists.
All the blondes on one bus. OK, so there are no real blondes on this show, but you know what I mean. Marcia is the new Brazilian Love Tank. There's a lot of retreading of characters here. Where's the Rodeo? Laci? Oh, and we've got crying ten minutes into the ride on the pink bus. I think we're guaranteed tears on every episode.
Whooooo. Partying in Louisville!! Talk about lighting the house on fire. Man, by the time they get to Branson this show will be out of control. The National Guard will be out by Schenectedy.
With all of the girls shitty on stage and the Ma(n)dame is upset because two girls are "swapping diseases"??? What kind of house of prostitution are you gonna run if that bothers you? 'Cus no guy is going to call the agency looking for a little girl on girl action...
Alright, Beverly is ready to live this lifestyle. Sure, she has the personality of a guy, but she's game. And she may be the only one with real boobs.
First night and they are throwing drinks and shit. That's busting the sloppy-drunk cherry pretty damned early, but we're not here to judge.
Oh, and there's some carpet diving on the first night. And there's Melissa the drama queen ready to leave. Sad, sad, sad. Don't they do any vetting on the casting couch?? Oh, and you'd think you'd get your roots done before you met "The Love of Your Life" Bret Michaels.
Big John has to count heads each morning. Nice. Who knew the ex-marine also has skills as a kindergarten teacher?
Samantha is a cross between Rodeo, Peyton, and the one with Elvira hair. I guess it is true when they say that all of the great stories have already been written.
Costandina has a pretty dramatic identity crisis. She's really gone native, but the other kind of Indians. I think I'll refer her 'dances with sacred cows'.
A little "face time" for Beverly. She's a real fan and you all know that strokes the Bret ego. Oh, and they take a slam on my girl CJ from season 2. Why they gots to hate? Yep, she made the top ten just on that sit down.
Oh, and the porn star spills her guts in the hallway. Who ever thought that she could be so needy? Yep, needed them hugs.
Blondterage? These are some scary-assed bitches. Chick-fight in the other room. What is it, 10 in the morning? Marcia's justification to choke the other one is because "you should never waste alcohol" - that's a girl with priorities. And we all know that Bret loves drama. This season started at 20,000 ft.
Yeah, he made the right move dumping Heather and Stephanie since they just can't live that lifestyle. Nikki even has the tats on her hands. It is comical how much she is patterned after Daisy. What band member did she wind up with? (Nikki S. was waiting back stage after elimination).
"Gia can not go home." Great, so we've got her talking about herself in the third person. Who is she, Ricky Henderson?? Was she a boxer in another life?
And he keeps the porn star. Oh, she will not age well. It is nothing about her past professional 'services' that scares us. She's more needy than a cat in heat.
Oh, the segui at the end where we see Bret on the road, playing guitar by himself, contemplating life's deep mysteries. I'll be shocked if we don't have the Dhali Lama at some stop on the road. Gunga-gadunga.
The sluttiest chick that I can think of from the previous seasons was Angelique. Frenchy has no socially redeeming values and under no circumstances could be considered attractive. Somehow I think we could top, or bottom, that in this season. These girls already have incredible levels of bimbocity.
And right out of the gate we have piercings. On has cheeks done, the other the lower lip. Talk about someone that just "needed a few more hugs" growin up...
Aw shit, we got Bret feeling sorry for himself and trying to sell us a sad, sad song of his troubled life. Oh, and he's just thrown down the gauntlet that if he doesn't find the right girl he's giving up. Nooooo. Don't tell us that. No, don't try to make us think you have standards at this point.
Let's meet the "Lovely Ladies":
Whoooooo. First girl is a "former" porn star. (Not that there's anything wrong with that.) Yep, that let's us know what we're in for this season. And that transitions us right into a Subway commercial for five dollar foot-longs. Yep, that's just what she was working for. Oh, and her passion is music. No more pecker-hopping, she's into the vibe.
Holy crap. This is really scary. A lab experienment has gone very wrong. The evil Dr. Feelgood has crossed Frenchie with Daisy and created the monster that is Nikki. Dead ringer with the lips of Frenchie, body of Daisy, and the brains if neither. She's a DJ and got arrested for her "art" of graffiti. Yeah, that's someone with a future. "Six months of 'like' jail time" And she has written the lyrics of her "rap" on the back of a 'genial herpes' flier? What rock did she crawl out from??
"I'm hot just standing there breathing" - Ashley
Heather - "I've never done anything like this." How did they find someone relatively normal?
Oh, we've got someone from the foothills from the Appalachian Mountains. Masters degree in storytelling?? Allison is certain that she went to ETSU for that degree. And while it may seem like we're mocking her, and we will of course, this part is straight up. ETSU and the area is a haven for story telling with festivals in the fall where some pretty talented folk entertain with their delightful delivery. But this chick, Constandina, had us thinking fruit-cake from the very get go with the third-eye (no Doug, I'm not turned on by her red dot). I expeceted to hear she was Shamanda from Kasmir instead of Candy from Bristol.
Natasha is an aspiring Madame, but she sounds like a man.
Marci is Destiny from Season Two. Yeah, we're seeing repeats all over with this new cast.
My father is disabled and married to a 26 year old - Stephanie. We need to hear more about her family.
Kelsey is cute.
Maria is 40. Wow!
Mindy is our token redneck.
Farrah. Now that's one scary smokin chick. All fake in every way that Brett's looking for. Yep, she's my leader.
Brittanya??? Pierced dimples? Just had to go for something different, didn't you. Just when you couldn't think of any where else to pierce.
Beverly is Allison's horse, bringing the cool down to earth attributes of Jess (winner, season 1) and Inna, the Ukranian Love Tank (made decent showing, season 2). Oh, and Beverly dissed Bret "being with Ambre" when he asked whether he's met her back stage at his Atlanta show. So I get this straight, he's still livin the life where he picks out the girls from the crowd and the bouncers bring them backstage to "meet the band." I thought those days were long gone, but I'm thrilled to hear that they have survived.
Samantha has nothing. Nothing stands out about her.
Oh, a Penthouse Pet. Yes!!!!!!!!! We have a leader in the clubhouse. Taya draws the line in the sand with an ass shot.
And here come off the clothes. The first girl to go enter the 'skin to win' cafe is the worst looking one. Doh, and nice bruise on the ass cheek as she just drops the dress. Gia is a hooker.
What, no bandana for Big John??
Commercial for Herpecin L. We, uh, fast forwarded through that, but it did catch the eye.
These girls are incredibly stupid. The Daisy clone is a characture of a real person. Oh, this is sad. Did I really say that we'd see this one through just to support Bret's sincere search?? This is us at our most masochistic, but we do it for you, dear reader. VH1 is run by a bunch of sadists.
All the blondes on one bus. OK, so there are no real blondes on this show, but you know what I mean. Marcia is the new Brazilian Love Tank. There's a lot of retreading of characters here. Where's the Rodeo? Laci? Oh, and we've got crying ten minutes into the ride on the pink bus. I think we're guaranteed tears on every episode.
Whooooo. Partying in Louisville!! Talk about lighting the house on fire. Man, by the time they get to Branson this show will be out of control. The National Guard will be out by Schenectedy.
With all of the girls shitty on stage and the Ma(n)dame is upset because two girls are "swapping diseases"??? What kind of house of prostitution are you gonna run if that bothers you? 'Cus no guy is going to call the agency looking for a little girl on girl action...
Alright, Beverly is ready to live this lifestyle. Sure, she has the personality of a guy, but she's game. And she may be the only one with real boobs.
First night and they are throwing drinks and shit. That's busting the sloppy-drunk cherry pretty damned early, but we're not here to judge.
Oh, and there's some carpet diving on the first night. And there's Melissa the drama queen ready to leave. Sad, sad, sad. Don't they do any vetting on the casting couch?? Oh, and you'd think you'd get your roots done before you met "The Love of Your Life" Bret Michaels.
Big John has to count heads each morning. Nice. Who knew the ex-marine also has skills as a kindergarten teacher?
Samantha is a cross between Rodeo, Peyton, and the one with Elvira hair. I guess it is true when they say that all of the great stories have already been written.
Costandina has a pretty dramatic identity crisis. She's really gone native, but the other kind of Indians. I think I'll refer her 'dances with sacred cows'.
A little "face time" for Beverly. She's a real fan and you all know that strokes the Bret ego. Oh, and they take a slam on my girl CJ from season 2. Why they gots to hate? Yep, she made the top ten just on that sit down.
Oh, and the porn star spills her guts in the hallway. Who ever thought that she could be so needy? Yep, needed them hugs.
Blondterage? These are some scary-assed bitches. Chick-fight in the other room. What is it, 10 in the morning? Marcia's justification to choke the other one is because "you should never waste alcohol" - that's a girl with priorities. And we all know that Bret loves drama. This season started at 20,000 ft.
Elimination begins...
Love as the camera pans over all the girls that they are swaying in the breeze. Props to the drunken ability of the girls in stillettos.
Yeah, he made the right move dumping Heather and Stephanie since they just can't live that lifestyle. Nikki even has the tats on her hands. It is comical how much she is patterned after Daisy. What band member did she wind up with? (Nikki S. was waiting back stage after elimination).
"Gia can not go home." Great, so we've got her talking about herself in the third person. Who is she, Ricky Henderson?? Was she a boxer in another life?
And he keeps the porn star. Oh, she will not age well. It is nothing about her past professional 'services' that scares us. She's more needy than a cat in heat.
Oh, the segui at the end where we see Bret on the road, playing guitar by himself, contemplating life's deep mysteries. I'll be shocked if we don't have the Dhali Lama at some stop on the road. Gunga-gadunga.
Preview
Yo, yo, yo. Yep, we're back with the new season of Rock of Love Bus. In a grand demonstration of patience contrary to either of our personalities, we've waited a couple of days before diving into this delicious entree. I mean, really, what can be finer than Brett on the road with 20 horrific skanks while the brutha is tryin to make a living? Nothing I say.
We did watch the short preview on the VH1 website a couple of weeks ago and we're primed. My initial thought is that we'll see nothing redeemable about any of these "women", but that hasn't really stopped us before, has it?
We did watch the short preview on the VH1 website a couple of weeks ago and we're primed. My initial thought is that we'll see nothing redeemable about any of these "women", but that hasn't really stopped us before, has it?
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