Episode Five

This afternoon, before we started into our weekly little ditty, I had a thought about Marcia. You know, she really did it right. She was completely honest that she really doesn't have the hots for Bret, but she was the queen of the party scene. In the belief that "it is better to burn out, than to fade away," Marcia took that to heart. She's off somewhere right now burning out...

Oh, and another thing. Allie noted how there's no more 'touching good-byes' during elimination. No hugs, kisses, last minute grab-a-thons, nuthin. The girls just get the "your tour ends here, I gotta a bus to catch so just stand there feeling ashamed with the cameras on you while I walk away." Yep, life is hard on the road. Back at the house, he'd at least walk them to the door.

OK, on with the show. I wonder where we'll go this week. I've heard great things about Edna, OH.

Still in Chicago. Headed to St. Louis. Woooooo! None of them know where that is.

So, we're travelling. Man, Ashley is hard core. Can you imagine coming home to that each night. Leave one sock laying on the floor and she's gonna be all over your "sloppy" ass.

I swear, we're omnicient. Last episode we noted that Bret hasn't had as much hands-on luvin as in the past. Opening right up, he comes out with it. Yep, he hasn't had any "connections" on the tour. In other words, Bret needs to get his freak on and can't believe he hasn't shagged any of the posse as of yet.

Oh, another strip club. What a shock. I may have to turn in my 'man-badge' pretty soon 'cus this is getting old. Well, a twist, he found three chicks at the Greyhound station and wants to make them into hotties.

Natasha steps forward. "This will be a piece of cake. I know what I'm doing. I've been to cosmetology school." Thank God for that. Whew, what a relief to know that the bag ladies are in such experienced hands. Reminds Allie of Dumb and Dumber when he's running down the jetway screaming back at security, "it's OK, I'm a limo driver." If they wind up staying at a Holiday Inn Express, it is all over.

Yeah, it is a total put-on. Pretty sure the bag-ladies have some "experience".

Ashley's team is loaded. You've got Natasha, the cosmetologist, and Ashley who's main qualification in the area of makeovers is that she's "hot", if she does say so herself. Somehow I gots to believe that this won't be a What Not to Wear episode.

Anyone notice that Farrah is speaking a lot more? She's a clear little sister of Ashley.

He's pulled a twist with a three-way tie and dating all of the captains on a date. And he's gonna bring the new skanks onto the bus. Yeah, he's playing the numbers game. He didn't get any ass in the first four episodes so he needs to increase his odds. Good plan.

Finally, Bret comes to the realization that some of these girls "may just be here to party." Oh, and he comes clean that "he's a little hurt right now." New math: brutha ain't got no ass equals "feelings hurt." He's a bitch.

Brittanya thows down class warfare. Too hot to compete with this girls. Almost feel sorry for these new girls, they can't help it if Bret wanted them to stay.

Aw, Ashley starts crying. Give us strength. She's got a bruised ego, nothing but. Holy crap, did she really accuse Natasha of being a man?? Bret is "really attracted to" Ashley. Why not - it's a sure thing. I got $50 that says that she's a stripper. He's said time and time again that he has issues with that, but he's working to get some ass.

How did the new girls suddenly get luggage? Clothes?

You know, Ashley may have a point. Natasha does have a tu-tu on that could be covering the package...

The Date:
Mindy throws her hat in the ring. Gotta admit, she's hot and seems relatively sane. Not clowned-up like Ashley, Farrah, and several of the others. Could this be the good girl that makes it to the final two? I say it is between her and Taya for the good girl role. I'm thinking Beverly is now on the way out. I would say she's on the way down, but that could paint the wrong picture.

Man, Brittanya has a temper. What a whack-job. Her ritalin prescription must have run out in Indy.

Wait, Bret says that he and Natasha are brutally honest with each other. There's some build up. How does one subtly ask such a thing? Say it. SAY IT!!! "Are those beans and franks under that tutu or are you just happy to see me???"

Tick-tock-tick-tock

He chickens out. Couldn't he at least have searched for an Adams apple?

Back to the hotel:
Bret's getting to know the new girls. One has a daughter turning three. He's got a three and eight year old. Whoah, did we just have a Keanu Reeves moment? Isn't this the third season? Three year old? Checking the math, he started filming this stuff when his youngest either wasn't born yet, or at least less than one. Now that's staying power.

Bev decides to call him out in front of everyone. And he lays it out. Well, that soured the mood. Truth hurts, don't it BITCHES?!?!

Time for Bret to get some Ashley. Yeah, just what we figured. He could call almost any girl into his bus and a get it on. Just snap the fingers and it is on like Donkey-Kong. If the bus is rockin, don't come a-knockin.

Bev gets upset over this. Did she not see either of the first two seasons?? Is there a mystery here? The only mystery we were aware of was how long it took for the bus to start rocking this season!

Ashley's walk of shame. She and Farrah are clearly two birds of a feather.

Next morning:
Bret pulls the new girls out on a date. Yeah, this is sweet. He's playing the jealousy game to see who of the originals really gives a damn. Head games. Now we see the dastardly plan in it's entirety.

Date night at the bowling alley. Good move. This is real quality time. This will wind up the other hens in a HUGE way.

Pre-Elimination:
We're back for the requisite Bret work out scene. Didn't have any kick boxing practice or Thai Chi to make him appear all intellectual, worldly, and shit.

Brittanya walks in saying that she's shy and innocent. And she's walking in wearing nothing but a small piece of tin foil. Yep, that's shy and demure. There's nothing upstairs with this girl. And again, while we're at it, what's up with the pierced dimples? Her pierced cheeks look like the little silver candies you put on a gingerbread man. Ridiculous - Put the piercing gun down.

Elimination:
He keeps the new girls. Good way to stir the pot. Allie is pleased as she is already sick of the other girls.

He kept Beverly. I thought he may have booted her or she self-selects.

Down to three. Farrah is kept. Booo! In reality, she could tryly be a man - that would be irony considering her smack about Natasha. Did you see the legs on her? Like tree trunks. Squats 350-400 easy.

OOOOO, he drops the 'friend' line to Natasha. We all have had the "Friend" line dropped on us at some point in our lives...Kiss of death. Yep, she's gone. There'll be a strip search on the way out. No Willie Wonka underneath that skirt. He breaks with tradition and he gives her a hug. Bret does have a heart in season three. Except he walks her back to her position on the stage so they can film the last few minutes of humiliation. Sweet.

The close:
Bret, in his own words, wants everyone to know taht he didn't kick Natasha off 'cus he thinks she's a man. Just for posterity. But, one can't be too safe in this day and age........