Season Finale

This is it. The end of the line. No, really, this is the end. THE END. Bret said so. Why do you doubt me? Why would I lie. I mean, I'm just reporting the facts and laid out from our man and we all know that he's as honest and straight-up as the day is long. Well, not like these last few days since this was a three-day weekend that went WAY too fast, but a long day. You know, like a Tuesday. Those are long damned days. But I digress. Where was I? Oh yeah, Bret said, under no uncertain terms, that this is the end for him. And who are we for doubting him in any way.

On with the show. Which hottie will Bret choose? The one with the international pedigree (don't forget, Penthouse is the International Magazine for Men) who may or may not be a dancer or the Southern Belle that we know NOTHING about? Oh, the quandry.

FINALE
Gasp!!! Did the preview show a ring? Maybe he means what he says. Eek.

We do a season in review. And my bride is snoring she is so bored. Damn, Mindy is hot. Not a debatable issue.

Man is Taya is a sensitive wench. Not a debatable issue. Allie chimes in with "she's an emotional shit bag." Not too sure what that means, but it can't be good. (FYI, the spell-check on this thing just told me that shit bag is two words, not one. Allie insists it is one word, though. In case you ever need to know)

IN THE HOTEL
Taya is a Barbie doll. They are both downplaying their looks.

Hold the phone. We have the first bit if news on Mindy. In the season finale we learn that she's from Cincinnati. You're telling me that she's not from Grennbow, AL??

He's grilling them over breakfast. He notices that Taya is high maintenance. 'bout damned time. Man, that's a lot of bacon on the table. Is that metaphor for someone getting porked???


FLYIN to the DR
Oh, check how he gets into the limo. Nice adjustment of the package as he slides into the middle.

He's taking Mindy out for the evening. And he bought her an outfit. That's a risk.

Good plan. Mindy takes some notes to make sure that she covers all the areas she needs. Good idea. This is the failure of Jamie. I'm still convinced that Jamie had all the right things to say, she just didn't say them well and the garbled message burned her. Mindy has no idea of that, but her plan of using a crib sheet may take her a long way.

Oh, she is blowing it by not taking the notes out of the bag. WTF????? You idiot. Bringing out the notes shows forthought and lets him know that you take this seriously. Dumbass. KEEP THE NOTES BACK IN YOUR PURSE. I'm really hoping that the notes taking was just to help her organize her thoughts so she could remember everything. Hey, we all do that at times.

Bret has a plan to open her up. Yep, get her liquored up. (If that doesn't work, the roofies are comin' out.) While not a novel approach, it has proven very effective over the centuries. Oh, and a curveball. Tango classes. And it is a good idea. Props to Bret for a novel idea.

Walk on the beach. And she brings out the notes. Thankfully, she does it. And it pays off as they head to the love-den.

TAYA in the TUB
She just said that she's bothered by the fact that Mindy isn't back yet. So she's going to have a "romantic alone time" in the tub. By herself. Does she know that water and "electric devices" are not a good mix?


We have Mindy's 'walk of shame'. Mindy is feeding into the headgames for Taya. Wow, Mindy pulls a Heather and just flaunts it in her face. It must be the smell of Bret that makes girls do that. Taya has lost respect for her (but not Precious Bret, I'm sure). What in the world is she thinking? Has she never seen this show before? Is she unaware of the three-some with Laci, Heather, and Brandi B in season one? Stupid, stupid girl.


TAYA'S DATE
They are going on a zip line. Who doesn't want to be the guy strapping Taya in? A few well-placed hands while "strapping her in". Which is much better than letting her "strap one on" in case you need to know.

Dinner. Will he ask the hard questions? Yep, he does. He is a little troubled by her sincerity. Oh, and the producers are eating this up. I feel like I'm watching Talk Soup by the graphics.

Bret plays the "take it back to my room." And the woman who judged Mindy pretty hard last night didn't blink when they got up from the table. He was pretty smooth tho, eh? But wait, there's more.

I just realized that she isn't wearing her Penthouse necklace. What a shock. "He knows how to crawl into your heart and stick in there", and I'm thinking he knows how to do some more 'stickin' if you know what I mean - and I'm sure that you do. So Taya doesn't put out. Really. Who would have called that?? We are shocked.


The next day
Mindy is in a good mood. Taya needs to "get her mind in a good place." Christ, I don't care how hot she is, and Taya is hot, but that's the kinda phrase that just makes one go soft. Crackers in bed? Don't give a damn. But "mind in a good place" is not the phrase that pays for this compadre.

Ouch!!! Did they have to show Mindy's lip-waxing? Oh damn, just get a razor for Pete's sake. Guess they aren't going to show the Brazillian wax job. That must have been what that scream was for. Have to buy the DVD for that.


Engagement rings. Man, this could be construed (mis or not) as one Hell of a head game. They both are floored as they should be. This message says "the one of you that doesn't get this, came this close." I'd think this would send Taya into a tizzie.

Elimination:
Are Mindy's breasts real? Discuss.

Bret makes a joke regarding his commitment phobia. Damn, that's funny. We should have a beer with him one of these days.

Could Bret be any farther apart from them? It has to be fifty feet. Is he yelling? With the ocean in the background, who could hear anything. I think he could let one rip and no one would hear it. Not that anyone is close enough to pull his finger.

The conversations on the goods and bads of each. He seems to have Mindy nailed. I like that he recognizes that others probably thought they could walk over her. More astute than we gave him credit.

He tears Taya down pretty hard before the commercial. Are they messin with us??

And he calls Mindy down. The spacing is working out to drown out their conversation. And he turns Mindy down. Poor choice. Wow, watch her face get hard, fast. Like her interview lines - just another asshole in rockstar clothing. I guess she did miss seasons one and two. Don't get me wrong, Bret's cool in my book, but any girl wanting to date him should have no illusions.

He spent three-hours walking up and down the beach pondering what to do. What slays me is that he pulls this crap where he has to set 'the scene' to show himself as a deep thinker by "walking three hours on the beach" or some other shit.

The wife is not pleased. Pretty douche ending to all in all a douche season, compared with the other two. The producers made him work the engagement ring in but he'll hang on to that for safe keeping!!! HA! At least we got one last laugh from the Rock of Love Bus!!!