The sluttiest chick that I can think of from the previous seasons was Angelique. Frenchy has no socially redeeming values and under no circumstances could be considered attractive. Somehow I think we could top, or bottom, that in this season. These girls already have incredible levels of bimbocity.
And right out of the gate we have piercings. On has cheeks done, the other the lower lip. Talk about someone that just "needed a few more hugs" growin up...
Aw shit, we got Bret feeling sorry for himself and trying to sell us a sad, sad song of his troubled life. Oh, and he's just thrown down the gauntlet that if he doesn't find the right girl he's giving up. Nooooo. Don't tell us that. No, don't try to make us think you have standards at this point.
Let's meet the "Lovely Ladies":
Whoooooo. First girl is a "former" porn star. (Not that there's anything wrong with that.) Yep, that let's us know what we're in for this season. And that transitions us right into a Subway commercial for five dollar foot-longs. Yep, that's just what she was working for. Oh, and her passion is music. No more pecker-hopping, she's into the vibe.
Holy crap. This is really scary. A lab experienment has gone very wrong. The evil Dr. Feelgood has crossed Frenchie with Daisy and created the monster that is Nikki. Dead ringer with the lips of Frenchie, body of Daisy, and the brains if neither. She's a DJ and got arrested for her "art" of graffiti. Yeah, that's someone with a future. "Six months of 'like' jail time" And she has written the lyrics of her "rap" on the back of a 'genial herpes' flier? What rock did she crawl out from??
"I'm hot just standing there breathing" - Ashley
Heather - "I've never done anything like this." How did they find someone relatively normal?
Oh, we've got someone from the foothills from the Appalachian Mountains. Masters degree in storytelling?? Allison is certain that she went to ETSU for that degree. And while it may seem like we're mocking her, and we will of course, this part is straight up. ETSU and the area is a haven for story telling with festivals in the fall where some pretty talented folk entertain with their delightful delivery. But this chick, Constandina, had us thinking fruit-cake from the very get go with the third-eye (no Doug, I'm not turned on by her red dot). I expeceted to hear she was Shamanda from Kasmir instead of Candy from Bristol.
Natasha is an aspiring Madame, but she sounds like a man.
Marci is Destiny from Season Two. Yeah, we're seeing repeats all over with this new cast.
My father is disabled and married to a 26 year old - Stephanie. We need to hear more about her family.
Kelsey is cute.
Maria is 40. Wow!
Mindy is our token redneck.
Farrah. Now that's one scary smokin chick. All fake in every way that Brett's looking for. Yep, she's my leader.
Brittanya??? Pierced dimples? Just had to go for something different, didn't you. Just when you couldn't think of any where else to pierce.
Beverly is Allison's horse, bringing the cool down to earth attributes of Jess (winner, season 1) and Inna, the Ukranian Love Tank (made decent showing, season 2). Oh, and Beverly dissed Bret "being with Ambre" when he asked whether he's met her back stage at his Atlanta show. So I get this straight, he's still livin the life where he picks out the girls from the crowd and the bouncers bring them backstage to "meet the band." I thought those days were long gone, but I'm thrilled to hear that they have survived.
Samantha has nothing. Nothing stands out about her.
Oh, a Penthouse Pet. Yes!!!!!!!!! We have a leader in the clubhouse. Taya draws the line in the sand with an ass shot.
And here come off the clothes. The first girl to go enter the 'skin to win' cafe is the worst looking one. Doh, and nice bruise on the ass cheek as she just drops the dress. Gia is a hooker.
What, no bandana for Big John??
Commercial for Herpecin L. We, uh, fast forwarded through that, but it did catch the eye.
These girls are incredibly stupid. The Daisy clone is a characture of a real person. Oh, this is sad. Did I really say that we'd see this one through just to support Bret's sincere search?? This is us at our most masochistic, but we do it for you, dear reader. VH1 is run by a bunch of sadists.
All the blondes on one bus. OK, so there are no real blondes on this show, but you know what I mean. Marcia is the new Brazilian Love Tank. There's a lot of retreading of characters here. Where's the Rodeo? Laci? Oh, and we've got crying ten minutes into the ride on the pink bus. I think we're guaranteed tears on every episode.
Whooooo. Partying in Louisville!! Talk about lighting the house on fire. Man, by the time they get to Branson this show will be out of control. The National Guard will be out by Schenectedy.
With all of the girls shitty on stage and the Ma(n)dame is upset because two girls are "swapping diseases"??? What kind of house of prostitution are you gonna run if that bothers you? 'Cus no guy is going to call the agency looking for a little girl on girl action...
Alright, Beverly is ready to live this lifestyle. Sure, she has the personality of a guy, but she's game. And she may be the only one with real boobs.
First night and they are throwing drinks and shit. That's busting the sloppy-drunk cherry pretty damned early, but we're not here to judge.
Oh, and there's some carpet diving on the first night. And there's Melissa the drama queen ready to leave. Sad, sad, sad. Don't they do any vetting on the casting couch?? Oh, and you'd think you'd get your roots done before you met "The Love of Your Life" Bret Michaels.
Big John has to count heads each morning. Nice. Who knew the ex-marine also has skills as a kindergarten teacher?
Samantha is a cross between Rodeo, Peyton, and the one with Elvira hair. I guess it is true when they say that all of the great stories have already been written.
Costandina has a pretty dramatic identity crisis. She's really gone native, but the other kind of Indians. I think I'll refer her 'dances with sacred cows'.
A little "face time" for Beverly. She's a real fan and you all know that strokes the Bret ego. Oh, and they take a slam on my girl CJ from season 2. Why they gots to hate? Yep, she made the top ten just on that sit down.
Oh, and the porn star spills her guts in the hallway. Who ever thought that she could be so needy? Yep, needed them hugs.
Blondterage? These are some scary-assed bitches. Chick-fight in the other room. What is it, 10 in the morning? Marcia's justification to choke the other one is because "you should never waste alcohol" - that's a girl with priorities. And we all know that Bret loves drama. This season started at 20,000 ft.
Elimination begins...
Love as the camera pans over all the girls that they are swaying in the breeze. Props to the drunken ability of the girls in stillettos.
Yeah, he made the right move dumping Heather and Stephanie since they just can't live that lifestyle. Nikki even has the tats on her hands. It is comical how much she is patterned after Daisy. What band member did she wind up with? (Nikki S. was waiting back stage after elimination).
"Gia can not go home." Great, so we've got her talking about herself in the third person. Who is she, Ricky Henderson?? Was she a boxer in another life?
And he keeps the porn star. Oh, she will not age well. It is nothing about her past professional 'services' that scares us. She's more needy than a cat in heat.
Oh, the segui at the end where we see Bret on the road, playing guitar by himself, contemplating life's deep mysteries. I'll be shocked if we don't have the Dhali Lama at some stop on the road. Gunga-gadunga.
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