Episode Ten

Again, week after week I am flabbergasted at how the season has just flown by. We're down to four girls and it is starting to get tight. The wierd part is that we have four "good" girls. No outlandish stripper contributions, no overly botoxed nasty chicks covered in tatts, just four upstanding young ladies. Or maybe not. They gotta do something to spice up the end of the season.

We wake up and they're are all in one room. Bev is shit-talking the blond-terage - sweeeeet. Good for her. Revenge is sweet. If only there was money involved for making the final four.

We start busting on Taya. Taking turns trashing her and her neurotic running of the mouth. Fair 'nuf.

Excellent. Universal Studios. Thank goodness they didn't go to Disney. Parents would be sending their kids' therapy bills to Bret Michaels and VH-1.

Faces are cracking. Bitching about Taya. Mindy crying for no reason. Has anyone noticed that Jamie is just the most level-headed one in the group? But Mindy is hot, Jamie is not. (Allie wonders, doesn't anti-drama count towards hotness? John confirms, NO.)

Here's the problem, Mindy is spilling her heart out to the chicks that could take him away from her. Does anyone see the irony? Wait, they do this every season.

They have to put together a song. This could be a disaster. Quite possibly the lamest contest yet. Kinda like that dance contest they had in season two. Mindy is just collapsing. Big John should pick her up later for a cast-off. He could do worse. Taya is knocking this out while calming Mindy down. Hmmm.

Did I miss the part where we went from everyone busting on Taya to Mindy's crack-up. AYE CAHNT SANG. Enough! Just give up and shut up. Ug.

They just playing with our emotions. Does anyone think that Mindy looks like Janet Jackson? Got them cat eyes...

WOW, Bev knocks a home run!!!!!! And it is funny too. "And how many skanks I had to beat". Good line.

Jamie does well too, despite not being able to sing. But, then she gets a little nasty with her opinion of Taya. The cat-fight of the good girls is beginning. Bitchy, bitchy, and bitchy.

What's up with Mindy's shirt? EEEK, she is absolutely tone-deaf. And to top it off, she has no rhythm. She's a perfect mate for Johnson, Naven R. Make it stop.

Man, this blog is lame. I think it is because the show is lame. There's just too little to work with. Good thing Bret is giving up after this season if he can't find his mate. They are gonna cat fight from here on. I'm thinking to pick on Bret's use of the word "un-confidence". As Chris Rock said, "Somebody didn't get enough hugs."

Mindy is messin with Taya's head. This is kinda good. The lineup before he selects the winner you can tell that Taya is distracted. Wow, who farted in the studio? Bitches just getting petty. Wait, that's what makes them bitches.

Bev's fun-bags are just falling out of that top. Who knew she owned something like that??

What can go wrong? Who knows. These are some over-sensetive bitches. Allie is wondering who is getting their period in the next 24 hours... Is it their love for Bret so strong that all common sense and decorum flies out the window? What's amazing is that he hasn't knocked boots with anyone left on the show and this is the reactions that we're getting. Imagine how heated this would get if he'd been throwing the Poison pelvic thrust at one or two.

Yep, this is gonna get lame. Mindy and Jamie are sitting in the hotel. Don't they have any money? Can't they go to the pool or the hotel bar? Wait, props to Jamie for coming up with the idea of slutty photos. Or to the producer who gave them the camera because THEY were dying of boredom in the hotel room with the girls.

The concert. Bev has a corn dog, or otherwise known as a dick on a stick. Couldn't they have done something with that?? Hell, can't I do something with that. Shit, nope.

Back to the hotel. They are still bitchy. Doesn't this shit go on in college sororities?? (Allie says yes.) If we have to witness this, can't they be in lingerie and heels? Boob(s), buttcheeks showing through thongs? Shouldn't we get some nudity to make up for this bitchiness? Will there be a adults-only version of the show released in video? Out-takes on VH1? Anything? We deserve that.

Breakfast:
Lame. Even the cooking looks lame. I cranked out a better breakfast for my baby with expired eggs this morning and she's a sure thing (for me) with whitty banter. WTF: Is Taya crying over eggs benedict without the dick?? Get over yourself.

Mindy is ready to spill. She tries to spill on Taya, but with limited success. What ever happened to people taking care of their own issues? Standing up for themselves. Is this how women work? (Allie says: Only psycho women.) What I'm loving is that Mindy's pissed that Jamie interrupted, but Jamie did her a solid by bringing the pictures. If Jamie hadn't provided the delivery, they'd never get into his hands. If she were Heather or Daisy, she would have conveniently "forgotten" that Mindy was even there when the pics were taken, much less brought a framed photo down for her.

Elimination:
Taya shit talks Bev. You know, I don't really care if she wants to get something for her kids that he signed. Probably the only chance she'll get for something like that, if she doesn't win. Yet the whole damned episode was a chasm between Taya and Mindy. Interesting concept but lame.

Jamie stays??? That's a little surprising. But, good.

Bev gets the shoe. Boots lasted longer than any of the blondes - awesome. In the end, we all can recognize that she didn't sell herself and do things (strip on stage at a club) she'll regret. WOW, made it to the final four with dignity pretty much intact. Well, except for getting shitfaced on multiple occasions in front of everyone and having emotional outbursts. Goodbye Bev - you were Allie's horse from the start!

Episode Nine

OK, before we watch, I'm betting that he'll use the phrase "the sexy six." With such a limited budget, I'm sure they are struggling with finding writers so they'll just retread the previous season's lame nicknames. Couldn't they have brought Flav in to give an assist? I gotta believe he'll work for cheap and was full of nicknames during FoL.

So who do we have left? Let's see (hand rubbing on chin)...

Ashley: Stripper. Single mom. Set new levels of trashy-ness with every word that comes out of her mouth. Imagine coming home to her when she's in a bad mood. That vicious attitude and razor tongue unleashed on you, and not in a good way. I can't, for the life of me, see what is to like about her. Nasty tats, circus boobs, bad makeup, and bad hair. Take away the freakish boobs, she looks to be in shape, a must for her job (but not for Farrah) - yep, that's the compliment that I can come up with for her.

Taya: Penthouse Pet. Single mom. Former stripper. Gets into too much drama. Other than that, just not sure what's wrong with her. Based on Bret's previous relationships (re: Pam Anderson) it seems like she'd be right up his alley.

Julie: We think a stripper, since they did pick her up at the strip club after the show started. Seems level headed, doesn't get into any issues with anyone else. But nothing stands out about her.

Brittanya: "Go Go Dancer". Single mom and possibly not a good one. Vapid was our word from day one. We've consulted Roget and like "namby-pamby" and "vacant" as other strong adjectives. Wierd tats. Strange pierced dimples (run out of things to pierce???). Nice figure. But the girl can't carry a conversation to save her life. There's nothing there, or certainly nothing worth talking about upstairs. Crickets.

Mindy: Great body. Yep, that's what we know. I think she's from Alabama, but that's all we know. She didn't mention kids, did mention that she has a real job, and that's what I recall. Older than most of the rest, I think in her early thirties.

Beverly: No occupation that we know of. Single mother of three. Drunk. Serious drunk. Anger issues when drinking. Real boobs. Rocker kinda chick. She's the real fan of his and is comfortable with the lifestyle, except for the other girls around him. Maybe too comfortable with the lifestyle. I'd have some serious questions if the three kids are from different fathers.

Does anyone remember the big deal of Rodeo's kid? Two years ago this was monumental. Even last season with Christy Joe and her two kids there was some level of taboo-ness. This year I think we have four moms left. Does that mean next week we can have the fertile five??? I think even Flav could come up with that one.

I'm all about Taya or Mindy. Of course, I'm in for the good girls. When I count down the remaining six, we have one bad girl in Ashley, one potentially bad girl (if she had a brain) in Brittanya (BTW, did anyone see her dumping OJ during the infamous salsa incident last week?), and four nice girls with Bev nice, but strange and with issues. I'm betting Bret will go for Ashley and Mindy for the final two.


On with the show.

They open with the girls waiting to see who won and who didn't. Ashley takes it hard that Farrah is gone, weeping for her eliminated BFF.

I'm wrong, "The Smoking Hot Six".

I just found out that her name is Jamie, not Julie. Yeah, that's how much she stands out. Oops.

Nicer conversation, the girls just chatting. Ashley: "This is the most boring conversation I've ever had. I'd rather say nothing than talk to this group."

Ambre is back. She still looks real good. Oh, and they dated for ten months. Do the math. How can that be right? And how often could they have been together. And Heather. Allie is thinking Heather is looking better, definitely better than she did in season one. She's aged reasonably well. The money she gets from these things are probably paying for some 'work'. And Brittanya has issue with Heather 'cus Heather had issue with Daisy. I imagine that she and Daisy could have been BFFs in a different time and place.

The ex's episode. Bev takes it badly that her ex didn't show. Too badly. So, he didn't want to air his dirty laundry on a cheesy VH-1 show...honestly, having a hard time holding that against him.

Here's what I love, they use the term ex. I've said this before and I'll say it again, unless you were married, the term 'ex' should not be used in any way. Dating, living together, none of it means a damned bit if you didn't make the commitment to get married. To call an old boyfriend/girlfriend an 'ex' is a poor way of trying to parallel that relationship with being married. Feh. [John has ranted. WTF, it is our blog, ranting is what it is here for.]

Oh, and the trash comes out. Brittanya's guy is named Royal T. Oh, that's too funny. And, so so so fitting.

Bret takes the girls for a few drinks. Yeah, just a recipe for disaster with Bev already in a bad mood. Throwing oil into a hot pan.

So Jamie is a rock groupie. Hmmmmm. Could be good.

Now we meet Ashley's left tit moniker, James. This guy is here to take her back. Yeah, I want to meet the guy who's name is on my girl's fun bag. This guy is a little too confident. Thinking that Bret hasn't bagged Ashley? He's fooling himself. Roll back the tape!!

Volcano Bev is about to erupt. Awesome. In an effort to "help", Ashley offers a shot of alcohol. Nice move on her part. Turn up the heat on the drunk.

"Whassa Going On Court". We love the use of Allie's favorite Bret quote. Nice. Maybe they did hire a writer. This is beyond Flav.

Is Jamie a gypsy? What's with the headband? Little bit of a crazy groupie. Is she just in for the band life? ABBA cover band groupie wanna be?

Ashley is thinking about leaving. Sweet - The gig is up! You knew that evil hosebag (wife's word) has got plenty to be ashamed of and not enough character to stand up for her history. To be expected. Taya is just pissing on the fire (smells very bad by the way) and telling her that she shouldn't be afraid of anything if it isn't true. It is like the angel and devil sitting on Pinto's shoulders in Animal House: Devil - "Fuck her. Go ahead, look at those cream puffs." Angel - "No, that would be wrong." Taya is playing the angel and getting into Ashley's head. Sweet. This is the kinda thing we all hoped would happen one day to her, and to Laci from the first season. You know that Big John will be reporting back on this.

DAMNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!! Ashley lives with this guy. Fire. Flames. Absolute combustion. We're talking Independence Day blow ups. Watch for them on the next season of "Vegas Ink".

Taya was doing fine. She's a burlesque dancer. The this Jaz freak goes off. He just gets a little nutty. You wonder if he intentionally went off just to deflect the attention from her. Of course he did seem kinda weird when Ambre was talking to him previously. Very very psycho.

Brittanya's day in "court". The previews made this seem like an event. Bret's line of the year, "Lies make baby Jesus cry." The wife cackles. Nice. This guy, Royal T, is also out of control. Brittanya then gets all emotional. Here's the best part, while I know this was edited, she didn't even listen to what Heather was saying. He did say that shit and she's not even listening. This girl has gone from waterish (Roget) to pungent in a few minutes. What I've just realized is that this girl isn't vapid, she's stupid (or stoopid for those in WVA). Here's no higher thoughts out of her besides eating, screwing, and fighting. Nothing. Ok, fair enough, we'll add getting tattoos and piercings. But, after that, NOTHING. Got the three+ basic levels down, but I don't see her reading Proust late into the night. Beetle Bailey maybe, but that's as far as she goes.

Now, Bret just realizes what's he's got left. This was absolutely the best thing they could have done. While I personally never care to meet my wife's former boyfriends, this has been revealing. So far, every girl that we consider trash, has shown her true colors through her own actions and those of the boyfriends and proved to the "jury" beyond any reasonable doubt that they are trash.

Beverly: No one stands in for her. She was pregnant at 17. Yeah, that can cause some serious anger. She held up well in front of Ambre and Heather, but her out-takes afterwards showed some bile. They are probably right though, she never got a chance to cut loose so now is her chance. Fair enough - known plenty of people like that.

Mindy comes out smelling like a rose. Like we knew she would. What I am getting out of Mindy is that she's moldable to who she's dating. We still have no idea what she does for a living or how she passes her time.

Ashley and James. Yep, she couldn't even spit it out that they live together. One mark that she has for her is that they have a kid together and are raising the child. Daisy had no excuse. And they differ on whether they still sleep together. He says yes, she says no. This is too damned funny. He's here to take her home, she tells us she's ready to move on. How can you move on when you share a roof? Stupid girl. And amazingly stupid choice of sperm donor.

As an aside, like any crazy situation, it's the kids who are the victims. Wish them the best, they are gonna need it with these people for parents.

The review. Bret may have just nailed it with Bev. The girl didn't get her teens and twenties since she was married and raising kids. Not having custody of the kids is a mark in my eyes as well - what's the story on that?

Elimination:
So who do we say good-bye to tonight. I'm going with Ashley, Allie is saying the spitter, Brittanya.

Ashley came up to the hotel room to talk to Bret. The girl is desperate. And Bret must be thinking she is lying her ass off. Here's the funny part. Can he imagine being with her, having joint custody of the child, and this asshole showing up for visitation on a regular basis? No chance. Just stepping into a mess with this skank. Who wants that at 44 when you already have your own child-rearing issues?

Jamie just goes nuts when she's picked for her pass.

Taya gets emotional. She is a drama queen. Love the violins in the background.

Beverly needs counseling. Maybe she just needs a good lay? At least she got married. Props for her over the two remaining skanks.

And the candle burns down.

No big shock and no big heart ache that "The Spitter" is sent packing. Adios.

Ashley said that not telling him about living with James is just "the one thing." There's no understanding for her beyond this. She does not get the gravity of her situation. If she's just say that she is here open and ready to fall in love, she can stay. Hmm, ah, silence...

And they are both gone!!!!!!!!!! Let the trumpets blare. Fanfare. We're both right!!! Yep, the skank couldn't look him in the eye. The best part is that she lashes out at the others after she's gone. No concept that she's responsible for her own actions.

Holy shit. We just got four good girls. How in the hell did that happen? Has Bret really figured it out? Does he finally know what he's looking for? Or at least think he knows? The earth has shaken, the seas boil, and the heavens open! The week will go so slowly until next Sunday...

E True Hollywood Story

Oh, this should be good. Some how, some way, we have a true Hollywood story on our man Bret. I mean, really, he's no Tawny Kattaan.

And there we have it, the prototypical kid photos. There's his Dad, Wally. Yep, same guy that we saw at the Nichols' wedding.

Yes, they are telling us that Bret was anything buy normal. Yeah, that's fair. Oh they are talking about his diabetes. You know, this could explain a lot. Maybe he's living day to day since we never know what could happen to him next 'cus of the disease.

Oh, did we mention that this episode is sponsored by Midol? I shit you not. Right-hand corner of the screen.

Oh, on camera he just admitted that his buddy Ricky is the first and only guy to give him a perm. Who EVER wants to admit to that??? I guess we shouldn't be ashamed of our past - a lesson from Bret.

You know, it would cool to see the numbers about his Q-rating. Let's face it, four years ago he's a total schmuck. If you mentioned his name, you laughed and compared him to Vince Neal of Motley Crue. Losers. I mean, at least Vince at least had a porn filmed with Janine Lindemuller. But he's really gone somewhere with this reality TV thing.

Oh, this makeup thing really grew quickly. Kinda like a disease. But apparently it worked. Who knew? I'm thinking punk bands like the Cure going with makeup, but rock bands? Really did go on a limb with that one. And Glam-rock was born.

"An important business meeting at the Dairy Queen." Can you imagine being able to look back on yourself and laugh that much for such a rediculous scene?

You know, I expected to watch this and laugh my ass off, but I gotta say that the way this show is playing out, these guys really did lay it all out there. Getting kicked out of apartments quarterly. Sounds funny now, but could you imagine living that lifestyle? Hell, I've never missed a payment on anything. Rule follower, and they did it as a way of life. Rock on boys!!!

Now, I just recognized something. I don't think anyone would mistake Bret for being a talented musician, although that's what I think the recognition he's dying for. All of the interviews done with him are in the studio in front of the mixing board. Yeah, he's crying out for recognize him. He loves calling himself a 'rocker' but I think he wants to be a latter day Dylan. He really wants to be considered a musician, not a rocker. Maybe not Mozart, but I think he'd settle for Dan Fogelberg.

I love the way he put it "I was tempted." With the chicks they are putting on camera, he was a lot more than tempted.

Oh, this is kinda cool to see his different looks. There's different looks all through the years, some of which you can not recognize, but the voice is the same.

Uh oh, time for the drama part of THS. If you don't know, everyone that they profile has some major crisis that they have to overcome to be the success they are. And Bret's issue is a bike wreck. Drink riding. Damn.

"Every Rose has it's Thorn", has entered the room. It was the 900 lb. gorrilla we've been waiting for. And he comes clean that it is the exotic dancer he was dating that cheated on him that drove him to write it. Check the previous entries regarding Bret and the bad girls. This must have been the skank that started it all.

Bret finds a girl. Yeah, she's pretty hot.

And CC is the hardest drinker and drug guy in the band. Who knew?? And it all falls apart at the MTV Music Awards. Trading punches backstage between Bret and CC. Mebbe he's as tough as he presents to be.

And the band falls down.

How do you replace your lead guitar player mid-way through a tour? Do you just keep players that know your repetoire in your rollodex??

Damn, another wreck. This time on four wheels. 80 miles a hour wrecking a Ferrari. Who knew that he was so beat up? Lost four front teeth, broken nose, ribs, fingers... eeek!!!

He shagged with Pamela Anderson? Before Tommy? Good for him 'cus no one wants go in behind that. If you know what I'm talkin 'bout...

Oh no. He wanted to be a movie star. Oh, this is stuff that shouldn't come out. "A Letter From Death Row" Look it up. Straight to video.

There was a secret sex tape with him and Pam?? Again, beats Tommy to the punch. This puts him way above Vince. Janine was hot, very hot, but she's no Pam. He sued the guys trying to push the tape and they each took home over a mil. So what made her willing to put out another film? Could it be the thunder??? Does Bret have something to hide?? OK, just kidding, can't bust unless I'm willing to go there myself??

Bret goes solo. Oh, second album is a country album. This explains the hat. So he blends the bandana with the hat to meld his two worlds of rock and country.

Two kids, Rain and Georgia. Their mom's pretty hot in her own right. He was with her for nine years. So it is possible.

Big John shows up. Good to see ya. Bret going to Iraq.

Oh snap, they are talking about some crazed fan that took gun shots at his tour bus. Oh, that's screwed up. Someone is willing to take pot shots at Bret?? It isn't like he's Celine Dion.

Ah on to the show. Jes gets very little mention. Daisy gets lots of camera time. What a shame. No view of Ambre. I guess we'll just have to wait for next weeks RoL for her guest spot.

So who's the production company behind RoL?? Is it Michaels Entertainment?? He could be making serious bank pulling this off.

So that is the burn-through on Bret's THS. No wife editing, no deep thoughts, just a rant as I watch.

Till Sunday, rock on. Time for some hoops.

What episode is it again???

Aw hell, it has been a few weeks since we last saw one another, and I have to say that we missed you dearly. Of course, a weekend bender playing golf with the boyeez and another weekend in the 70's with no plans really took our attention from Bret. It is Tuesday, part of the week is gone, and time to get back in the groove.

While I wait for the end of Dante's Peak so I can press play, I'll take this time for a little pontificating. I am shocked at the level of trash that they have found for this season of the show. The first season seemed so innocent and cute, but there were a few bitches, original personalities, and our initiation to Bret's inner struggle between the good girl and bad girl (read stripper). Ultimately, the good girl was chosen, then the abomination that is his life took over and they never spent any time together after the show. Season two gives us more of the same, but takes us to a new level of nasty, dirty, tattood, skanky, botox-injected, saline maxxed-out hooker in Daisy. But we also found an equal to Bret in Ambre. Equal in age and self-assuredness. She is what appears to be the only professionally successful contestant.

This year we just have a bunch of nasty chicks with very little going for them. Sure, there's a Penthouse Pet, but that's about it. While I'll never consider season one girls dreamboats, we are clearly scraping the bottom of the barrel. We've got three strippers, one Pet, a GoGo dancer, a mother of three, and whatever Mindy is. Bret says that this the last season. Thank God 'cus I dont' think that they can get any lower in their contestants and the skanky drama.

But still we watch, and I blog. Press play now.

This is a good competition, even though it conjures some bullshit about Bret and his relationship with his kids and incorporates giving back to the armed forces. Sweet, they are taking care of the kids in bikinis by the pool. [later edit: after the THS, looks like the Iraq interest is genuine. My bad.]

Shocker, Brittanya has a kid, but kids "get on my nerves". Taya has one too, shocking. Farrah could feed an army of mutant mites, but she is bloated in that bikini. Who's flippin her a sawbuck for a lap dance? Who's' legs are that strong???

Getting a little girl to paint your nude tats. Christ, that girl is the queen of trash. [later edit: just found out that the tat is of her. Nude. Should I be shocked??]

Another shocker, Ashley has a kid too. That is seven women and at least four have kids. What ever happened to the scarlet letter? I mean, we can't all have the nuclear family, but these numbers are prepsterous.

Good move by Taya for courting the kids. Will it work out??? Who is the best??

Oh, from the mouths of babes, about Bret's babes.

Oh, and Ashley's naked tat is of herself. Too rich.

Beverly is just just out of control. She doesn't handle losing well. Oh, she's gettin plowed - have another pint of Grey Goose. Who's gonna be holding her hair back when she's riding the ceramic throne? Not handling her liquor well, or at all. You gotta believe that this is her ticket home.

Anyone notice that Big John is completely in his element on the road? He was cool and shit at the house, but this is where he thrives.

Oh, dagger eyes from Beverly. Getting psycho... And she's wearing cammo. Guys dig the cammo. Going through the levels of drunkeness. Self loathing is stage seven.n Next mood swing in only three minutes (need time for another shot first - please hold).

Yep, I'm missing the McLaughlin Hour for this.

Ah, bitches by the fire. For a guy who is totally washed up, he's having a great time. Not a shabby gig, if you can find it.

Back to the drama that is Bev. Bev on the wagon. Brittanya is taking command. She's got nothing between the ears and it is all still working for her.

Props to Taya and Mindy for finding each other in this myriad of disaster. Mebbe Bret isn't the only one that finds true love on the road. Yum.

Oh, strong move by Jamie. She's been a fly on the wall for weeks with nothing to show for it, but she waited her turn and slid right in when the window opened. Those bitches must have been pretty hammered to run off like that and leave one girl alone with Bret. What statergery.

Great, it is getting bad. Salsa in someone's suitcase. Mmmm, crossing a line, perhaps, but pass the chips (waste not, want not). The best part is that Brittanya is nothing but a follower. She's catching on with the strippers without the game.

Ashley on a date with Bret. And Farrah has to suffer the fools in the room. "Lame"

Oh, nothing says romance like skull vases at the dinner table.

Allie has thrown down that Ashley is Laci, Heather, and Daisy all in one. I believe that we've found one of our finalists. Unless she blows it, she's got the golden ring. And then she blows it by taking up for Farrah. Who gives a crap about Farrah?? What the hell are you here for?? 'Cus there are plenty of stripper girlfriends you can make on the road. But, they do make out a lot. Hmmmm.

Bret is letting us know that he's disenchanted with Taya. How? I'm going on the record that either Taya or Mindy plays the good girl role in the finals. If they keep with the same formula, he's got good versus bad. Dead on that the producers are in his ear letting him know that he needs to keep one of them around.

DOH!!! The "friendship zone" with Farrah. S.W.A.K.O.D. Sealed with a kiss of death. What is really funny is that she may actually be a real person, but she's such a follower of Ashley that there's no chance that the real her will come out. I actually think that about most of the girls.

Bev lays it on the line. If she gets the boot, she had her chance, said her peace, and has to just take what comes knowing that she was honest to him and with herself. And, what she's saying is a fair and reasonable argument.

The Elimination
I wonder, how can he be suddenly soured on Taya when she was great with kids? Next to Mindy, Taya is the hottest one.

Allie just made a parallel. Freeze frame on the girls right after Ashley gets her pass. See Farrah on the right. Give her some leather gloves with her nails sticking out and a can of tear gas and she turns into Big Boob Beth, wife of Dog the Bounty Hunter. Yep, good eye, honey.

Bev seems shocked that Brittanya gets by. Fair 'nuff. And she stays! I'm a little shocked. Mortified is a good word, thank you Taya. Allie thinks she sucks. John thinks she brings nothing to the table other than her looks and the pierced dimples are just fucking stupid. Vapid describes it best.

So who is it? Is there a chance that he's gonna throw out the Pet of the Year??? Really??? There are six women he'd choose over a Pet of the Year?

Nope!! See-ya, Farrah. There are a hundred strippers in Vegas hotter than you.

PS: Catch the "E! True Hollywood Story: Bret Michaels" on Wednesday, March 11, at 8pm on E!

Episode Seven

Whew, after a much needed break, we're back. Yep, Bret and the girls took last week off and it gave us all time for reflection. At some point we really do need to ask ourselves what the hell we're doing watching this show. Or, what the hell WE are doing watching and writing about this dribble. Isn't there some good Tolstoy lying around somewhere????

On with the show.

Ashley is just full of bile. What an angry woman. I don't think that I've seen such an angry woman. At least not since Hugh Grant found cheated on Liz Hurley with Devine Brown.

Going to Alabama. Excellent. Mebbe we're gonna learn to stew up some possum for good eats.

Truck shop games. Finally, an original idea for season three. We've retreaded for six full episodes up till now. Let's git it on!!!

BAM. And it comes out. Taya looks down on Ashley and Farrah because they are strippers. Yep, we nailed it a few weeks ago when we called them out as being dancers. Really, what else could these two be good for. The dichotomy of Bret keeping strippers around after all the shit-talking he's done about them the last two years (Heather, Brandi B, Daisy). He lets them get close, just not to the holy grail.

Beer belly flop. Excellent. And little Kelsey from Utah goes for the no-bra flop. Now that's thinking outside the box. Or maybe with her box. And Ashley again just brutal with the venom toward Beverly, her teammate. At this point, Ashley defines a "hater".

The go-go dancer sucked at the pole dance. Cami's a stripper too??????? Whoah. Nice move.

So Farrah goes for the whole "reverse psychology" and wants Taya to dance with the pole. Yep, let her embarrass herself in front of everyone. That Farrah, she's a thinker alright. Taya has got skills with the pole. Must be jacked up from winning the Pet of the Year award. Or maybe they practice pole dancing in between shoots at the Ranch.

Farrah and Kelsey figuring it out like "Scooby and Shaggy, solving a mystery." Oh, that's rich. Nothing like an obscenely-breasted stripper comparing herself to a couple of cartoon boobs.

Loving the way that Farrah pulls her shirt down trying to influence the judges. She's letting us know that she's real "creative". Creativity is spelled b-o-o-b-s.

Kelsey wants to thank her girls. Which girls? Teammates or 'the girls'?

Now we're in Alabama.

Bret visits the hotel room to chat it up with the ladies. What's going on with the chick with pierced dimples? Did they take markers to her chest? What up with that? Idle minds and hands ...

Aw, Bret is spending some quality time with the Blue Team. Ashley takes command. Beverly gets sloppy with no idea what's going on.

Kami has issue with other girls throwing themselves at him. How does she not know this is going on? Does she live in a cave? Is she not familiar with the casting couch? Rock groupies? Whores in general?? And Bret is rather unsympathetic. One more gone. This may be the best self-selection in three seasons. She made the decision and didn't get all wishy-washy like CJ and some of the others.

And Kelsey starts to show her true colors. Getting a little bitchy.

Damn, they get their own Wally World adventure. All by their lonesome.

This is the episode of quotes. First, we had Farrah as "Scooby and Shaggy". Next we've got her saying "I don't want to speak badly about anyone, but I think Taya is kinda fake." Does that parallel with the Southern tradition of, "_______, bless her soul . . ." Well, we are in 'Bama after all. The cat-claws are coming out strong.

See, now Kelsey shows a sweeter side. Oh, and Farrah chimes in again with "she looks like she's kissing her dad." Man, that girl is on a role. If this gig doesn't work out and the stripping thing gets old, she's a ringer for the opening act in Vegas.

Oh, and it gets ugly on the bus. Tag team on Taya.

Who are these people getting this crazy for Bret?

Man, Farrah and Kelsey are slammed. Big John lays down the law. They are shit-tay. And the quote of the year, "I specifically asked you not be slutty." Kelsey just loses it. A total meltdown. Holy crap. Laying on the speed bump crying, with cigarette in her hand. Awesome.

And here comes Big John, enforcer, coach, inspirational leader. He's greater than Ghandi.

Elimination.

The stage seems a little bare. These three are worse off than the girl from the first episode. OK, if you record this, just freeze it right before Bret walks in. In recap from left to right. Mindy's looking cute, ready to see her man. Plus, she's at home in the South. Brooklyn is composed, stickin the plan. Taya is her usual narcessistic self. Farrah, with her hand on her hip, leg sticking out, trying not to too drunk. Kinda like the first time when you come home drunk in high school. Kelsey is just glassey-eyed. Ashley, barely standing. Brittanya looks pissed with her hands on her hips, etc. Even her tits look pissed. No one likes an angry boob. And Beverly is a bit miffed as well. The bet is that Bev's picked up a few lbs. on the road. That lifestyle can really pack on the pounds.

Ashley picks up the best quote. "I puked like, a lot." Smooth.

Kelsey says she's ready to face the music. And the music slams her in the face. In front of one and all he gives her the boot. And Ashley asides to Farrah, "I don't think she has any of my clothes so it is OK." She does not quit. As drunk as she is, it just keeps spewing out of her. Someone must have killed her puppy as a child.