Episode Three - Goin to Illinois, uh,uh,uh

Episode Three
And we're back. So the promos for this week center around the hockey game. This is a retread event from previous seasons and to demonstrate the retreaded-ness they brought back the ultimate retread - Laci. This chick is a joke. Daddy's little girl, goin through all of the rebellion stuff with the nose piercing, hair dying, and trying to sing in a rock band. A bad, metal
band.

So with those thoughts, on with the show. I'm predicting tears within the first seventeen minutes.

Makin it in Indiana.
We get an intro to Maya. Haven't heard from her yet.And Ashley sets the tone for 'king bitch' this season.

Holy crap, they are headed to Champaign, Illinois. Yeah, you are making it when you are headed there. This makes me think that the Cheboygen trip is a reality.

Man, Laci is lookin ROUGH. Time is not her friend. Neither is smack.

How surprising that Brittaney "could have been an Olympic hopeful if she didn't have to quit". Quit to do what??? But, with tears in her eyes, she"s happy with the way that everything turned out. I'm starting to think that her whole world is some sort of fantasy. She can skate backwards, something I could never accomplish, but then she's done plenty else that I haven't
done either...

This could be painful. I'll be shocked if there are no broken bones. If you put white-bread out there, I'm begging for wrist braces. My money is on the pink team.

Laci decapitates Baby Bret. Too sweet. That girl is going to make some man miserable for the rest of his life.

Anyone know where Mindy's from? She's got one heck of a drawl.

Natasha is laid out. This harkens back to Dallas from a couple of seasons ago getting abused on the motorcross. Oh, this looks serious. Medic!

We stopped it at the fifteen minute mark to take stock. There's Marcia talking about how rough it is out there. Take a look at her right arm. She's pretty bruised. Of course tequila might have something to do with that. Personal experience tells us that tequila makes you bump into things.
Black team out there and all four of them down on the ice at once.

Farrah speaks!!! I think this is the first time we've heard from her. Oh, and as an aside, Circus-boobs Erin from the first season has nothing on lung capacity compared to some of these girls. Farrah and Ashley aren't far behind.

Beverly pulls a fast one and makes everyone think she can't skate. There's some moxi in that girl. Majot points for good, clean, underhandedness on her part. We Love her. That was a good job.

You can pop an implant? Melissa thinking she popped one. Ashley busts on her saying that if she can pop an implant playing Baby Bret hockey, her boob job must have come from Tijuana. Oh, that's good - the laugh out loud moment of this episode. As side note, I was once in the desert of Needles, CA at a sketchy bar called the Red Dog and the bartender was talking about
her boob job from TJ. Seems as though you can get them done for half the cost of work done in the US. So she and her mother both had them done for $5K. And did anyone notice the scar Melissa's lip? We may have to start calling her 'the Joker'.

Damn, no tears and we're at the 25 minute mark.

But we got psycho-Brittaney on the date so you know something bad will happen. Out of the blue I notice that the tit-tat on Ashley says 'James'. No really, that's going a lot too far. First, you defile a breast, a cardinal sin in the first place, but then you do it with some guy's name and then show it on TV while chasing after another guy?? Just what every guy wants to see is some other guys name when they look up from motorboating those puppies. Not a strong decision maker that one.

The Date
Oh these are evil women. Going through Brittaney's stuff. She kept the stinky socks. That is freaking crazy. She's got this homeless-bag lady thing going. Or she's a hoarder. I'm thinking that porn thing didn't pay the bills all that well and she'd got to scrimp and save where she can. Got to save the fries and ketchup.

Oh damn, they are in Peoria at Big Al's. I've been there. I swear, just for work. Back in the early 90's that was THE place everyone had to go to when you visited Peoria. I remember callin my buddy Matty-Matt from there just to let him know I'd made it. Then I hand over the phone to the female bartender and he's asking "what are you wearing?" Smooth operator that
man.

Allie just noticed that Big John hasn't spent much time on screen. He has got to be over this whole thing by now.

One of the girls is 'going to show Bret the real me'. Yeah, acting like a stripper on stage is always a prescription to get to know someone. Beverly is a classy girl, but she may be digging herself a hole.

Anyone notice that Farrah got a lot of air time today? I wonder if she's gettin tossed at the end of the date and this was her day to shine.


OK! Finally, we get the tears from Brittaney at 34 minutes. I was way off. Nice to know that she taught other girls of porn how to save for retirement. Yep, I'll buy that. She's got Certified Financial Planner written all over her. Most Olympic skating hopefuls quit the game, do porn, then a CFP. Makes sense to me. Of course, if it was Katarina Witt...

Uh oh, Bret is having a heart to heart with Bev. Oh snap, she's got three kids at home. Oh, that's a little bit of a surprise. Yeah, he's retarded. He says "be who you are.". That's what she is doing, I think. But three kids...

The return from the date
Brittaney is whacked. OK, she did ask the rink folk if she could have the socks, so it wasn't technically stealing. However, asking for them is just bizarre, so we think that is still fair game to give her shit about it.

Who is calling home? The teasers before the commercials are killing us. It is Melissa. That's a shock. She nearly lost boob for this, but then calls home. Yeah, she's a goner. Maybe when she goes home she can get her roots done while she's at it.

Next morning
Bret's figured out that Brittaney is not just crazy in a fun rock-n-roll kind of way, but crazy-crazy, in a clinical kind of way. Yep, 'bout time. He was talking about the porn-star mystique. Isn't this the same guy who has issues with strippers? Every rose has its thorn and all that? Which reminds us, we haven't heard that song yet this season. I guess it is saved
for those more tender moments that come later.

Is Melissa lying through her teeth? Is she manic-depressive? Split personality? Watch out - Bret can roll the tape back just like they can in a convenience store robbery.

Elimination
Well, the promos show him getting pissed so you got to believe that Melissa is gone. Let's all hope that a Brittaney move is on track as well.

Finally, there's Big John. Bret may need his protection for a psycho Brittaney attack, if she's eliminated. Uh oh. Melissa self-selects. Bret makes a show kicking her out.

And we finally get to know some names. Beverly sticks around, but she could be too nice for him.

Let's all take a moment and say good-bye to Brittaney. This is going to get ugly. Someone get a mop. This could be bad. Gettaing dumped by Bret Michaels is one of the hardest things she's ever done in her life?!?!?!?!!? Really??? No, really?? You must be kidding. At least she has her socks to keep her warm. Oh, and did you all notice them weating those white, long socks?? What up with that??